Crush of the Month

No way I’m forgetting this month’s Crush. I’ve had her in mind since late September. Unfortunately, I really didn’t know that much about her. As you’ll soon see there is a role in her past that was so unexpectedly and pleasantly surprising it vaulted her over all other contenders.

I present for you viewing pleasure, the November BeachBum Crush of the Month.

Who?: Gillian Jacobs! That's who!

Yeah, I know most of you just went ‘Um…who?’ but that’s only because she’s relatively new to the scene.

But that scene has been dramatically improved

If you’ve caught one of my new favorite shows, you know her as Britta, the blond bombshell who gives better than she takes from Joel McHale’s hilariously obnoxious lawyer in ‘Community’.

The genius behind her character is she is intelligent enough to not buy anyone’s bullshit but hopeful enough that she wants to be proven wrong. There is an undercurrent of damaged goods that makes Britta much more interesting than if she were simply a verbal jousting partner for McHale.

What Else? Well, she’s been critically hailed for her work on Broadway, been involved in the highly controversial and very short lived ‘The Book of Daniel’ in which Aiden Quinn has regular conversations with Jesus, costarred in the recent Cameron Diaz movie ‘The Box’ and was the lead in a teenage abuse drama ‘Gardens of the Night’.

So, she’s getting recognized and getting work.

Good for her!

And good for us!!

That All?: Nope. The item that puts Gillian (Can I call her Gillian?) way over the top is her role as a stripper (I heard she goes topless, but don’t have confirmation) in the film adaptation of one of my favorite books: Chuck Palahniuk’s ‘Choke’.

In the interest of full disclosure, I didn’t even know this was made into a movie until I started checking out Gillian’s history. It’s already on DVD and has been added to my Netflix list.

'Yeah, I can do dark and serious, too. It's called talent.'

Not sure how good the movie is, but the book is hilarious, dark, and oddly redeeming by the end. I hope the movie is half as good. That Sam Rockwell and Angelica Houston star gives me great hope.

Congratulations, Gillian Jacobs! You are BeachBum's November Crush of the Month!

Today's distraction: Bizarre signs. While I love the pickup truck, does it mean that guy needs to wear a blue shirt every day?

This and That

Some follow ups and random thoughts for a chilly hump day.

- The car hunt is officially ON! I’m heading to the Subaru place tonight to check out some used Outbacks and other options. I don’t know how people shopped for cars before the internet. I’ve already done my research, know what I should pay and have dealerships lined up ready to serve me. Can you imagine how much work our parents did trying to find a decent car?

- On Saturday I’ll be visiting the Toyota dealership to see what they have for used cars. I’ve noticed fully loaded 09 Camry prices are around 16,000 bucks. And I mean fully loaded. Heated seats and mirrors and 6 speaker stereo systems. Why so cheap? I may be cynical, but it sure sounds like these cars were either in some accident or have been repossessed.

- While it’s a bit disappointing to get rid of the truck, I feel better that my father is buying it. I know he’ll take care of it and I can negotiate visiting rights. I do have his two grandsons to use as bargaining chips.

- I really hope this Sarah Palin fascination ebbs very soon. Maybe once she’s done with her book publicity tour. Yesterday she criticized Newsweek for using a photo of her in a running outfit. She called it ‘sexist’ even though the photo wasn’t a fake. That’s right. She fucking posed for it for some running magazine. So, Sarah, you can’t voluntarily pose for a photo then turn around and call it sexist. That, in turn, means you are a sexist about yourself.

You know what? Just go away already.

By the way, everyone should know that Palin didn’t actually write the book she’s promoting. She keeps blabbering on about when she was writing the book, but she didn’t write the friggin’ thing. She used a ghost writer. I would tell you his or her name, but it doesn’t appear anywhere on the book.

- My biggest fear is that people become entranced enough with Palin that she runs for President and wins! Check out CNN’s politics page. She even has her own section. Please tell me this isn’t happening. It’s all just a phase, right?

- There’s a huge uproar in the Boston area over a pathologist who gave a slide show that included various stages in the development of a human embryo. The presentation was to fifth graders and permission slips were sent home that parents had to sign. And STILL parents are up in arms over this.

Or should I say ‘some parents’, for once again I believe there is a very vocal minority of people out there who will stir up trouble for anything that goes against their hard wired sense of morality. Other parents were interviewed leaving the school and none of them had any problems with what was presented. In fact, one said – on camera – what most rational people are thinking ‘Well, we were informed ahead of time and it IS a science class…’

In reaction to some parent’s (the loud ones) concerns, the teacher running the class has been reprimanded. Even though he followed the proper procedures put forth by the school. Unbelievable.

- On Saturday night I hosted a poker game which was fun and profitable (won $50). Wifey was spectacularly supportive by making dips and purchasing snacks then making herself scarce when the games began. I bitch (pun alert) about her enough in this space that it’s only fair to mention when she rocks.

- I wish I could enjoy when my initial instincts about a person are proven correct. About three months ago my wife had people from work over one night and there was this one dude who I didn’t like from the first minute we were introduced. Just something sketchy and abrasive about him. When I mentioned it to wifey, she just blew it off as my being anti social or not comfortable about her being friends with a guy. Neither was true. I know when there is something ‘off’ about a person and I’ve learned to trust my gut.

Things seemed fine with this ‘friend’ for a few more weeks until he thought it would be funny to bite my wife on her neck. Yeah, you read that right. As if biting anyone anywhere would somehow be amusing. She came home from a night out with a huge mark on her neck and terrified that I wouldn’t believe her. I did (and do) believe her. She was crying and extremely upset that this happened. I was calm and supportive, but secretly I was seething. Not at her; at this fucking douchbag that is socially retarded enough to think that would have ever been a good idea.

She’s been joking about it since, but there’s now this look to her whenever she’s telling someone on the phone the story. A combination of fright and anger that I believe only a woman can truly appreciate. That she had been taken advantage of and in a very bad spot where something ugly could have happened.

For the record, there were other people there when this happened so there was never a real threat of anything more serious happening unless he’s truly a sociopath (which is a definite possibility) and she no longer hangs out with him. She does, however, still have to work with him and things have been tense.

A mutual friend of theirs came over last Sunday and asked me what my reaction was when I heard what happened. I simply said ‘If he ever steps foot in this house again I will kick the living shit out of him’. She started to laugh, gave me a double take and quickly stopped; at which point her and wifey moved to another room.

Later, after her friend had left, wifey brought up the conversation. Apparently her friend must have passed along the exchange. Wifey asked ‘Would you really do something if he came here?’

I asked ‘Why would YOU want him here after that?’

Her: ‘I don’t want him here, but what if people from work come by.’

‘Well, make sure he isn’t one of those people.’

‘Do I need to be worried about us running into him outside of the house?’

‘Not at all,’ I say, ‘He’s the one that should be worried.’

She hasn’t brought him or the incident up since that conversation but I know she’s thinking about it; mulling over if she should be offended or flattered by my reaction.

- On a related note, there was a kid I went to high school with who everyone seemed to like but just rubbed me the wrong way. Not anything I could put my finger on, but one of those loud mouth, blow hard dicks that always had something to say even though he could never back it up. You know that type? They think that because they’re friends with tough kids it makes them tough by association?

Anyway, I purposely avoided this kid but since we lived in the same general neighborhood and shared the same friends I spent more time than I had ever hoped listening to his bullshit. I haven’t seen hide nor hair of him since graduation and found out over the weekend that he’s been convicted of child molestation and just started serving a 12 year prison sentence.

I would feel validated, but it’s way too depressing to think about. Why couldn’t he have just robbed a bank or something?

- Let’s end on a high note.

I got my first play time with the new Droid phone from Verizon. This is Google’s further attempt to take over the world while driving the iPhone into oblivion. My first reaction was ‘This thing is heavy!’. My second, after discovering all it can to, was ‘Holy shit, I want one!’. Not only does it look like the iPhone with touch screen and scrolling, but it unfolds into mini full sized keyboard (which is why it’s heavier than most SmartPhones) for much easier typing. I always have a problem with the iPhones because of the small letters on the screen.

But the ease is just the half of it. My buddy showed me this: Say you’re in a strange city and you want to find the closest Starbucks. You say ‘Find Starbucks’ and it brings up a map on the phone display. There is a red star that shows where you are with green dots marking the Starbucks within a few miles of your current location.

You want to search for something, say ‘Starbucks’ and it brings up the Google Search page for Starbucks. You lost? It has built in voice turn by turn GPS. Company email? You can hook right into your server. You a Gtalk user? You will be! You can IM on the phone. All those iPhone apps? Yup, most of them work on the Droid, too.

Needless to say, this is one cool piece of circuitry. As soon as I can afford one it will be mine.

Then I’ll be part of the Google Droid Army that will be used by whatever computerized sentient being that is in control at Google to wipe out humanity.

Think of it like this: You know that show ‘V’ (which I recommend)? It’s a show about aliens showing up, making super nice to all us humans, showing us cool things and making everything seem better? Only they’re really here for some subvert and evil plan we are not yet aware of? Replace 'V' with 'Google'.


Today’s distraction: Barely a week after the release of the Droid comes rumors that Google wants to unleash it’s very own phone on human…I mean….the marketplace. Screw it. I’m in! Why fight the inevitable?

Week 10 Postmortem

Man alive, what a disastrous weekend.

For the record, I agreed with Belichick’s decision. You want to keep the ball out of Manning’s hands, especially with more than 2 minutes left in a six point game. Let’s face it, if Faulk didn’t bobble the pass everyone would be talking about what a fucking gutsy, genius he is instead of questioning the call.

You don’t win games like that by being timid.

Alas, it didn’t work out.

I, do, however have an issue with a trend that has become more and more common this season: Passing in short yardage situations.

It’s happening so often now nobody even questions it. The Colts, Patriots (although less so this year) and especially the Eagles get in shotgun formations when they have to gain 2-3 yards. Really? You can’t run the ball for 2 yards?

Last night on 4th and 2, the Patriots…well…you know what play they called. But why call a pass? Maroney has been running well and all they needed was two fucking yards. Why chance an interception that close to your one goal line? If anything wouldn't you want to run to keep the clock running? Obviously it doesn’t matter as much on a fourth down play, but when did passing become the new running?

The Colts pulled the same thing on their winning touchdown but that made sense for a couple of reasons. One, they had no time outs left. So if they ran it, got stuffed, then the clock would keep ticking away. Second, their best player is obviously Peyton Manning and you want your best player deciding the game for you. Certainly not Addai, who’s been sporadic at best or a rookie (Donald Brown).

Still, these numbers have to be concerning to any Colts fan: On the year (so far), Indy has attempted 357 passes to only 201 rushing attempts. This doesn’t include plays that may have been pass attempts but ended in sacks. I can at least understand this as Peyton Manning is in charge of that offense. However, has a pass first offense ever won a Super Bowl? Even the 17-0 pass happy Patriot’s team came up short to a run first Giants team.

Since I’m slow on Monday mornings, can anyone tell me if a team that passed much more often than they ran ever won a Super Bowl? The Kurt Warner led Rams, maybe? I’ll bet they were nearly half and half, though. I’ll look that up later.

If you’re wondering, the Patriots have passed 366 times and rushed 249. Again, Brady is the man, so you can sort of understand this trend. The Eagles have passed 322 times and rushed for 204. Westbrook’s injury may have to do with that, but Reid and McNabb have been pass first for years now. Now, check out the Saints, who you would think would top this list: 291 pass attempts to 288 rush attempts. Shockingly, the Saints have become a balanced team.

I’m going to go out on a limb and pronounce that none of these pass first teams will win the Super Bowl. You need to run the ball in order to win; especially in the playoffs. Those that can’t always stagger around after another ‘shocking’ playoff loss to a team that knows how to disrupt a passing game.

Sadly, the Patriots game wasn’t even my lowest moment. Let me give you some numbers: 1.5, 1.3, 5.2, and 6.

What are those numbers? Why those are my starting wide receiver and running back numbers for my so called fantasy team. Respectively: Vincent Jackson, Marques Colston, Marion Barber, Kevin Smith. Watching the Green Bay – Dallas game was especially frustrating as Barber busted off a 13 yard run during their opening drive. Want to guess how many carries he had after that?

Guess. I dare you. His first run netted 13 yards. After that he was handed the ball four more times. That’s 4. What the fuck is that? Does it surprise anyone that Dallas was nearly shut out? Who is in charge of that play calling?

Let’s get to some of the games. My addiction to Red Zone reached new lows (heights?) yesterday. Not only did I blow off the gym because the one o’clock games were starting, but I also held off falling asleep on the couch because I didn’t want to miss anything. Yup, dissed nap time in favor of football time.

I think I made the right choice.

- You think Bear fans are looking back fondly on the Rex Grossman Era? At least you have Derrick Rose to appreciate for the next few years.

- I alluded to this last week, but after watching the Titans completely dismantle the Bills (I know, it’s the Bills) I’ll reiterate it today: Vince Young looks GOOD! I’m sure it helps having Chris Johnson on your team, but Young has never looked comfortable and confident until the last three games. Something is different about him and the results are there to prove it.

- Which begs the question: Why did Fisher wait so long to make the change?

- Speaking of change, when will the Bills make Fred Jackson the starter again. He looks so much more effective during games. Yesterday he had 8 carries to Lynch’s 9. Trend or aberration?

- Chad Henne was guilty of the single stupidest, most confusing, mind boggling play of the year. I really don’t think this will be topped. Allow me to set the stage: Miami up 6 with a shade over 2 minutes to play; third down and about 6; Henne drops back to pass only everyone is covered. He looks to the right sideline for his outlet option, finds him covered, too. So Henne simply throws it to the Tampa Bay defender. If you can find this highlight, you have to watch it. It simply defies comprehension. He threw it right to the other team!! It wasn’t even close. He was looking right at him!! It was so blatant that I wondered if Henne had money riding on the Bucs. I still can’t get over it.

- Great move by Maurice Jones-Drew, although I really wish he hadn’t apologized to his fantasy owners (although a player acknowledging that in the post game press conference was a bit surreal). Winning the game is the only objective and his dropping down on the half yard line rather than running in for the uncontested touchdown (the Jets were trying to get the ball back quickly) was a genius move.

- Quote from the Cincinnati Bengals: ‘Any questions?’

- Now that Denver has lost 3 in a row after winning their first 6, should we not have blamed Mike Shanahan? And now that Cutler is with the Bears and there are a bunch of new players, maybe it’s time to investigate the air in Denver. Maybe there is something that makes the team start strong only to fall to the side after week 8. If not the air, then how about the water?

- While we’re here, the Chargers are now 6-3, as well. Chargers and Broncos meet this Sunday. Boo Yeah!

- Another team that is coming around: The Carolina Panthers. Too bad The Interception Kid is still running the show. There is no way this ends well.

- In a huge upset, the Kansas City Chiefs defeated the Oakland Raiders. Of course, by upset, I mean the stomach of everyone who watched this game.


Holy Shit Stat of the Week: Chris Johnson accounted for 61% of his team’s total yards. This wouldn’t be that impressive if the Titans hadn’t run up 41 points and 378 yards of offense.

Random Monday Night Prediction: After witnessing the Ravens making the Browns’ combo quarterback, Brady Anderson, cry; ESPN becomes so frustrated with such a lousy matchup the announcers switch over to the second half of last night’s Pats – Colts game.


Today’s distraction: Some very specific signs. I need to know the story behind the toilet beer sign. Something tells me I would want to work with that dude.

Bitter Sweet

It’s time, my friends.

Time to say goodbye to one of my true loves.

No, my wife isn’t leaving me. I said true love. She’s just tolerating me for the life insurance. Accidents happen all the time, she likes to remind me. Whether that means she’s planning one or is slowly poisoning my food remains to be seen. I’ll just continue to take it one day at a time and have one of my boys taste test my meals.

Sadly, I’m referring to my truck: a 2001 Toyota Tacoma Double Cab. I bought it after we had son #1 and realized we would have to take two cars away on vacation because we couldn’t fit all the shit we were bringing in just one of ours. Wifey owned a Honda Civic and I was attracting babes with a Toyota Corolla. Go me!

While the Corolla was my first brand new car (only 5 miles on it!), the Tacoma was my first REAL new car. AC, power locks, power windows, 6 speaker stereo system, 4 wheel drive, and – let’s be honest – a manly man’s type of vehicle.

Just looking at it makes hair grow on your chest

With the addition of Yakima roof racks, the kayak comes with me anywhere I go. Plus all the accessories can easily fit in the back. I was golden.

When son #2 came along, we realized the Civic wasn’t going to cut it. Just not enough room for two car seats. So we upgraded her Civic to a Rav4. Well guess what? Even that wasn’t big enough! It was fine if she was just driving the two boys around, but if she needed to pick up one of their friends, there wasn’t enough room.

Sidenote: I’ve learned first hand why cars are so much wider and bigger than ever: kids. These days you need expansive car restraint systems with removable baby carriers strapped down 42 different ways. When I was a kid we all piled into a Volkswagon Bus and fought over who got to sit in the way back. That way back basically being a storage area over the engine. Two of us would sit back there and wave to the cars behind us. Not only did we not have car seats, we didn’t even wear seat belts. Kids are wusses these days.

Wifey wound up trading in the Rav4 and upgraded to a Sienna. That’s right, I’m cruising around in a fucking minvan. I’ll let you in on a little secret. Minivans aren’t so mini. They’re also more luxurious than most cars. It’s loaded, has all wheel drive, AC, power everything, full child restraint systems and enough seating for a football team.

It also happens to have more storage space than my truck. All the seats can fold down and allow a full bedroom set to fit inside. I know this because I just moved a bedroom set two weekends ago. I knew the truck was living on borrowed time when I thought ‘More will fit in the van than the truck and it will be protected from the rain’.

That led to this thought: ‘Huh, I don’t use the truck very often’.

Which led to this thought: ‘Since the van holds more, why do I still have the truck?’

Wheels were set in motion. I started considering the low gas mileage (17 city, 22 highway), the fact that I basically use it to drive back and forth to the gym, and – more importantly – a conversation I had with my father about a year ago.

He mentioned in passing that he might be interested in buying the truck from me if I ever wanted to get rid of it.

That time is now. I have no reason to hold onto the thing any longer. It’s time to get something smaller. The van can do the heavy work while the smaller car can be used for the quicker, lighter legwork. Besides, the truck still has very low mileage (only 60K) and has just passed all sorts of inspections.

So….

The question now becomes; what do I want next? Here’s the criteria I’ve set:

- Not paying over twenty grand. Ideally, I would find something for around 16K.

- Gets good gas mileage. Anything over 25 city will work.

- Enough space for two adults and two children.

- Reliable, but not nice enough I would give a crap if it got scratched up.

- Storage space for my kayak stuff. I can always get more racks for the kayak itself but I definitely need space to store gear such as shoes, life jacket, oars, covers, etc.

- Either all or four wheel drive. This isn’t a deal breaker, but the hill I live on is severe enough without having to worry about ice and snow. At the least it will need front wheel drive, but would PREFER all wheel.

- Refuse to buy any GM or Chrysler car. Their bailout money is coming directly from my paycheck. If anything I should walk in, pick out what car I want and tell the dealership ‘Consider us even’ while driving away.

- Open minded about buying used. In fact, I think I’m already heading in that direction.

For your consideration, here is what I’m looking at.

SUBARU OUTBACK

Pros: All wheel drive, good reliability record, roomy enough for my needs and – surprisingly – is rather sporty looking. Not spectacular, but I wouldn’t be embarrassed riding around in it.

Cons: For a smaller car, these are pricey. They come with a lot of nice features standard, but not sure I want to pay $20,000 for a used car. Also, since they come with all wheel drive standard, the gas mileage isn’t that great. In fact, it’s only slightly better than the truck. Good chance at being labeled a hippy just for driving one.


TOYOTA CAMRY/HONDA ACCORD

These could be the same exact car

Pros: The classics. Can’t get more reliable than these MOFOs. Good price, good mileage, really like the new looks and roomy enough for what I need.

Cons: Yawn…


TOYOTA RAV4

Pros: All wheel drive (on some models), not too expensive, large enough to carry my load (that’s what she said), much sportier look with the new models.

Cons: I don’t know. Every time I look at this I can’t help but think a woman should be driving it. It’s like a truck for girls.


HONDA CIVIC/TOYOTA COROLLA

Pros: Sportier looking than ever, reliable, great mileage.

Cons: Not sure either of these will be big enough. Also not sure I want to back track to another Corolla. To go from a truck to a go cart might be a tough transition.


FORD FUSION

Pros: My brother bought one last year and loves it. Ford did not take any bailout money and seem to be making quality cars for the first time in my life time. Looks great and moderately priced. Who knew making quality products for reasonable prices is a good business model to follow.

Cons: Still not totally sold that these cars will last. Quality in the first three years is one thing, but let’s see how many of these make it past 100,000.


MAZDA 6



Pros: Look at it! It’s gorgeous! Good mileage and they start under 20K.

Cons: Not sure about the room (will need to sit in one to be sure) and reliability is up in the air. My neighbors both have Mazdas and like them, but his Mazda 3 is getting worked on all the time. I don’t need that hassle.



TOYOTA MATRIX

Pros: This is basically a Corolla hatchback, but I’ve driven one of these before and they ride nice, roomier than they look, even new they’re not expensive and fantastic mileage.

Cons: While I don’t have exact measurements, I’ll bet this could fit in the back of my current vehicle. Also, I had an issue with the visibility while driving the other one. The side and back windows are small. I may feel like a college douche while driving, too. Been there, done that.


NISSAN MAXIMA

Pros: I’ve had a crush on this car for a while and recently spotted the new one. That’s the only reason I put this on the list. Might be able to snag one used for the price I’m looking at.

Cons: Not great mileage and on the expensive side. Pity as I would look great in this thing. Although I would be parking it 5 miles away from any other car so it wouldn’t get scratched.


So that’s what I’ve got so far. I think I’ve already eliminated the Rav4 for testosterone based reasons and I’m keeping an eye out for other options.

Opinions and feedback are always welcome.


Today’s distraction: Go four wheel crazy! I blew my truck up about five times before figuring out the trick. Have fun.

Week 9 Postmortem

A few notes before we get to the games.

As noted in the comment section of last week’s Postmortem, there is heated debate as to whether the Vikings should be taken seriously as a contending team or not. The debate stems mainly from everyone from Minnesota believing this team is for real while everyone outside Brett Favre’s gravitation pull maintaining a healthy skepticism.

I need to point out a few things.

I put the Vikings in the Contenders section, which (by definition) means I believe they have what it takes to make a run to the Super Bowl. I merely wanted to point out my personal suspicions that this is a team that hasn’t truly been tested yet. I made the same point about the Colts, if you’ll notice.

Considering the Packers lost to the Buccaneers yesterday, the Bears looked horrible against the Cardinals, and the Ravens are now 4-4 (albeit a tough 4-4), there is solid reason to believe the Vikings have played two decent teams all year. The first being the Ravens who they barely beat at home, the second being the Steelers who forced two killer turnovers.

I would also like to remind everyone of Brett Favre’s past two seasons. His last with the Packers where he threw that devastating over time interception which led to the Giants winning which led to them going to the Super Bowl which led to the Helmet Catch which led to my drinking problem. OK, that’s not entirely true. My drinking problem began in high school.

Last season Favre had everyone in New York ready for the Super Bowl, as well and we all saw how that turned out. No playoffs, Mangini exiled to Cleveland, too many interceptions to count, offseason surgery, another summer of ‘Will he or won’t he’.

I’m not saying the Vikings aren’t a good team. They may be a very good team. We simply don’t know for sure. Besides, Favre has shown a unique ability to get a fan base riled up and excited only to single handedly destroy those same expectations. It’s happened two years in a row and the only difference I see this year is Adrian Peterson (which, granted, is a HUGE difference).

Just don’t be fooled, Viking fans. Favre has been getting away with questionable throws all year. The last game he threw three passes into triple coverage that were caught by Viking receivers. One to Percy Harvin for 45 yards or so. Yes, it was a big gain, but Harvin was also surrounded by three defenders, had to jump above them all to get the pass and was sandwiched on his way to the ground. This was against the Packers who quite possibly suck worse than we had any idea.

Here’s the problem: While Favre gets away with this against lower teams, it makes him think he can always get away with it. Sports nuts love calling Favre a ‘gun slinger’ as if it’s somehow a compliment, but gun slingers tend to be people who don’t always think things through. They have a ‘shoot first’ mentality that will KILL your team in the long run. We’ve seen what happens when Favre tries to force the issue against good defenses. Good defenses are what he will face in the playoffs.

I have nothing against Minnesota. I like the people I’ve met from there. I like the Metrodome. The Twins are my second favorite baseball team. I just don’t want to see you hurt. And there is no surer way to get hurt then believing Brett Favre will lead you to the promised land. If you need support there are groups all over Wisconsin and New York that can prepare you and give you tools to cope.

Let’s hope you won’t need them.

On to a fantasy note.

I’m playing the only guy in our league who is undefeated. As it stands now we are tied at 100 points. I have the Denver defense going tonight. He has Hines Ward. Considering who he plays the rest of the season, this might be his only chance at losing all season long. As incredible as it seems, this guy could go undefeated unless there is some catastrophic injury to Peyton Manning or Chris Johnson.

Go Denver!! I need you to put this guy down.

On a related note, I’d like to ask everyone’s opinion. The guy above (8-0 with no signs of slowing down) has just offered a trade to another team that will result in him giving up Tim Hightower and Santana Moss and receiving Stephen Jackson and Dallas Clark. Now, usually I’m a live and live kind of guy and would never object to any trade involving other teams, but this seems a bit extreme to me. He’s getting the best receiving tight end as well as a running back that could surpass 1800 total yards. Have I pointed out that he’s undefeated?

This means his team will look like this: QBs: Peyton Manning, Carson Palmer. RBs: Stephen Jackson, Chris Johnson, Ronnie Brown, Julius Jones. TEs: Dallas Clark, Jeremy Shockey. WRs: DeSean Jackson, Hines Ward, Roddy White, Percy Harvin.

Can you see why I have a problem with this? The question is, do I go against my long standing belief that teams can do what they want or do I object to this trade on the basis of it being a steal and handing the season title to Team Undefeated? Let me know your thoughts in the comment section.

Onto the games.

- Once again the Saints continue to impress me. I thought for sure the Panthers had them on the ropes, but New Orleans didn’t panic, did their thing on offense, tweaked their defense to stop the run and pulled out another win. I should point out two things:

1: Colston dropped more passes than he has all season. Is he hurt? Or was he just hungover?

2: Next week they play the Rams. Just thought I’d mention that.

- What in holy hell has happened to the Giants? At least we know they won’t lose next week. (Punchline: they’re off)

- Nice to see Michael Turner decided to start playing this year. I’d like to personally thank him for waiting until he was opposing me in fantasy to show up. Way to fuck me over, Turner. Last week was in my pay league, this week my other league. Thanks a ton.

- It’s official. The Bengals are for real. Scary.

- Who is the biggest fantasy killer this year? Matt Forte (5 total rushes for 33 yards) or Steve Slaton who didn’t even start his team’s game after being benched last week? What’s scary is I had pick 10 in my 12 man draft. I had my eye on Slaton from the get go, but dude #9 picked him right in front of me so I decided to get Brees while I could. If Slaton came to me there is no doubt I would have grabbed him. Luck has more to do with fantasy success than anything else.

- I saw Ray Rice at a press conference for the first time yesterday. He looks like he’s 16 years old! He’s also a much better receiver than I thought and should be a top 10 pick next year.

- Hammen made a good point about me praising the Patriots offense even though they had beat up on Tampa and Tennessee. I must be excused as I’m looking for any positive sign from this Pat’s team. Case in point: I really liked how the defense played against the Dolphins. Even though I know it’s the Dolphins and they were facing a rookie quarterback. I'll take what I can get.

- My man crush on Vincent Jackson just got a bit more intense after his game against the Giants. I might be in love. Just a little bit.

- Hey, Vincent Young is now 2-0 this season. I watched some of this on Red Zone and I’ll confess that Young looked good. Like real good. Like Texas against USC good. Color me impressed. He only passed 19 times, but there was a touchdown scamper that reminded me why everyone was so high on him. It might help that he actually looks to be in shape, but I dare say Young looked (gulp!) comfortable as an NFL quarterback.

- On the flip side, Alex Smith and Michael Crabtree are 0 – 2 together and the 49ers seem to be coming apart. Here is Singletary’s first real challenge. How he and his team respond to this will tell us a lot about how good a coach he can be.

- Battle of the Bays resulted in only one sure thing: We won’t have a winless team this year. Pity. I was rooting for 2 or more. Wait, let’s make this two sure things: Aaron Rogers takes way too many unnecessary sacks. There are times he seems scared to throw the ball.

- After watching some of the Seattle – Detroit game I am approaching a sad realization: Kevin Smith might stink. To be fair, it’s hard to tell with his atrocious offensive line, but Stephen Jackson seems to be faring well with his sordid crew.

- After watching some of the Dallas – Philly game and how far the Giants have fallen, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the possibility of something: The NFC East might…just might be…the worst division in football. Eagles and Cowboys were playing for first place and neither team played what I would call focused or inspired football. Even with two running backs going in the game (Barber and McCoy) I could have cared less with what I was watching.

- Closest game of the week: Colts 20 – Texans 17. Check this out:

Total yards: Colts 378 - Texans 382
Total first downs: Colts 27 – Texans 22
Total number of plays run: Tied at 72
Passing yards: Colts 306 – Texans 301
Rushing yards: Colts 72 - Texans 81

Is it any wonder this game was decided by a last second field goal?


Holy Shit Stat of the Week #1: For the first time since December 28th, 2008 one of two things did NOT happen: Jake Delhomme did not throw an interception and the Oakland Raiders did not lose a game.

Holy Shit Stat of the Week #2: Next Sunday New Orleans, who have outscored their opponents by 129 points, travel to St Louis to play the Rams, who have been outscored by their opponents by 144 points. The spread on this game could be over 20 points. And I would still take the Saints.

Random Monday Night Prediction: I’m skipping it for fear I’ll jinx my chances at toppling Team Undefeated. Can’t risk it. Ah, fuck it. Denver returns two interceptions for touchdowns in the first 18 minutes of the game. Let the blow out commence.


Today’s distraction: Some hilarious GIFs for your viewing pleasure. Love the very last one, which took multiple viewings to fully appreciate.

Week 8 Postmortem

Sorry for the delay, but I’ve been a busy man.

Just this morning I have done the following: gym, shower, get kid ready for school, make him lunch, take other son out for breakfast, buy new running sneakers, stop at Target Wonderland (officially known as GreatLand, but I prefer my version) for a new USB drive and toys for both boys, back home to get this entry started, stop writing to go grocery shopping, get back to this.

Those Army bitches ain’t got shit on me.

If you’re wondering, eldest has the day off because it’s election day here in Massachusetts. When I was a kid we simply ate lunch at our desks. Now everyone has an extra day off. The reasoning is security, but I can’t remember one kid being stolen from school by some random dude showing up to cast a ballot. Bullshit! I call bullshit!

Let’s get to football.

I wanted to share two posts from our fantasy website. Both were posted by different guys who – coincidentally enough – are tied for last.

Post #1 by the same guy that was 11-0 at one point last season: “Alright, someone propose a trade - who wants Michael Turner? Kurt Warner? Ochocinco? I don't give a fuck...Pick a player(s), any player(s) and get back to me.”

Note: He mentioned Turner before last night’s game. I asked this morning if Turner was still available. No response, yet, but if so I might make him an offer. I need running back help and Turner looked great.

Post #2 by the guy that hosts the draft every year: “It's safe to say that this will be my last season playing "Fantasy Football", it's making me insane! There is nothing "Fantasizing" about it, we should start calling it "Fuck you up in the head every weekend Football"
What I don't understand about this game is the projected scores! Everyone in this league will get a projected score in any given week of 120 points for example, and everyone will score 150 points or better, except for me because I suck, and my team sucks, and I'm not allowed to score over 120 points in this hellish game! P.S.: I'm gonna go jump off a bridge or something!”

My response to this was: ‘Can we still have the draft at your place?’

As you can see Fantasy Football can take a toll.

As can the season itself. Since we’re nearly at the halfway mark, let’s check out the teams themselves. I’ll split them into categories to make things more organized. Everyone likes organized, right?

CONTENDERS

New Orleans Saints (7-0): Taking into account the Buffalo, Miami and last night’s Atlanta game, it sure looks like this Saints team can win any type of game. Shut down their passing and they’ll run it on you; build a huge lead and they’ll come back; get into a shootout with them and you’ll get burned.

For the record, this is what the rest of their schedule looks like: Carolina, at St Louis, at Tampa, New England, at Washington, at Atlanta, Dallas (what the fuck will the over be in that game?), Tampa Bay, at Carolina. Realistically, this team can finish 14-2. Easily.

Indianapolis Colts (7-0): Another team that seems to win any style of game. For the first time in a long time, they don’t need a huge game from Manning in order to win. Defense is much better than it’s been in a while. Still…

…who have they beaten? They barely beat Jacksonville; they barely beat the Dolphins and the 49ers. Like everyone else in the league they womped on Seattle, Tennessee and St Louis. The only quality win was against the Cardinals who weren’t fully figured out, yet.

We should know more about them in the coming weeks: Texans twice, Pats, Ravens, and Broncos on Dec 13th. Mark your calendars for that one.

Minnesota Vikings (6-1): Yeah, I’m putting them here, but I’m still not sold. The 49ers win was an answered prayer, they didn’t beat the Ravens; merely survived them and they’ve beaten up on the Lions, Rams, Packers (twice) and Browns. Their one loss was at Pittsburgh when 2008 Favre briefly reappeared.

That said, look at the rest of their schedule after their bye next week: Detroit, Seattle, Chicago (three in a row at home? WTF?), at Arizona, Cincinnati, at Carolina, at Chicago, finishing up with the Giants at home. The Bears seem like a team that will cause them problems so let’s figure a split. Possible loss in Arizona. Then what? Giants might not be any good. Maybe the Bengals can keep it up and knock them off, but they’ll be playing in the Metrodome. We’re easily looking at 13-3, maybe even 14-2.

And I still won’t buy it. Anyone else seeing 13-3, first round bye, then Favre throwing a killer interception in the Viking’s playoff game? History repeating itself?

Denver Broncos (6-1): Even after the Ravens loss, I like this team. I’m buying into them more than the Vikings, that’s for sure. Expect a bit of a drop off with the Steelers coming for a visit and a trip to Indy, but they also get Kansas City twice, Oakland and Washington so they should cruise into the playoffs despite a few upcoming losses.


UP AND COMING

New England Patriots (5-2): Don’t look behind you, but the Patriots’ offense is suddenly clicking, they have exactly two contenders to deal with the rest of the way (at Indy, at New Orleans) and their youngish defense is starting to gel. 12-4 is a definite possibility.

Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2): The Vikings game was a reminder not to forget these guys. They certainly seem to be snapping out of their Super Bowl stupor. The problem for the Steelers is a tough remaining schedule: Ravens twice, Bengals, with Denver and Green Bay sprinkled in. Green Bay may be no threat, but it’s tough to tell (see below).

Cincinnati Bengals (5-2): Would you have bet a thousand bucks at the beginning of the season that the Bengals and Steelers would have the same record at this point? Me neither. Kind of bizarre that one of these teams – Steelers, Bengals, Ravens – will be left out of the playoffs. Shockingly, this seems to be the one team that has all the components to make a real life, no shit this time, playoff run. Good (and finally healthy) QB, top notch running game, solid defense. Considering their recent history, it sure seems like something bad is about to happen.

Arizona Cardinals (4-3): They get here simply for being the best team in a crappy division. Although if San Fran can figure it out in the second half, they better watch out.

Winner of the NFC East: With Dallas and Philly at 5-2 and the Giants slipping back to 5-3, figure the winner of this division is going to cause some headaches for their first round opponent. And, no, I’m not including Washington in this conversation.


YOU TELL ME – I CAN’T FIGURE THEM

Green Bay Packers (4-3): I can’t figure out if they are just mediocre or the Vikings are simply a horrible matchup for them. They beat up on the lower teams and knocked off the Bears, but which is the real team? We’ll know more after the Dallas game. I hope.

Chicago Bears (4-3): Team BiPolar! They beat the Steelers and get crushed by the Bengals. They beat Detroit then lose to Atlanta. They beat the Browns….oh…wait…everyone does that.

I get the impression that perhaps this is Cutler’s personality taking over the team. Talented, yet temperamental; flashes of what could be followed by under achievement. Have a tough second half, too.

Atlanta Falcons (4-3): Calling it now. This will be one of the NFC Wild Card teams. They looked good in two losses (at Dallas and at New Orleans), Turner looked fantastic against a good defense, and a much easier second half schedule has this team looking at 11-5 at worst.

Baltimore Ravens (4-3): Their defense isn’t even close to what it was even though it decided to show up against the Broncos. You can run on them now and they seem especially susceptible to screens and delayed draw plays. In other words, they’re trying so hard to sack the quarterback rather than playing defense they can be had. Also, with Flacco coming back to earth, they aren’t nearly as potent.

Houston Texans (5-3): I was tempted to put them in the ‘Up and Coming’ but noticed they’ve only beaten one good team all year (Bengals). They are definitely playing better and I loved the benching of Steve Slaton last week simply to get everyone’s attention. Let’s see how they play against the Colts this Sunday before we move them out of here.

New York Jets (4-4): Not seeing it. Although watch out for the new connection between Sanchez and tight end Dustin Keller. They looked like a Manning – Clark Jr for a lot of the second half.

Miami Dolphins (3-4): They play ever team tough, but have had a killer first half schedule. The second half eases a bit, but they still have the Pats twice and the Steelers. They can cause their opponents fits, but don’t seem to have much staying power. If Henne can improve, this might be a team to be reckoned with.

San Diego Chargers (4-3): They’ve lost to Baltimore, Pittsburgh and Denver. They’ve beaten Oakland twice, the Dolphins, and the Chiefs. That sure sounds like a 9-7 or 8-8 team to me.

Carolina Panthers (3-4): What do you know? Running the ball and taking no chances with The Interception Kid is paying off. That win over the Cardinals opened some eyes. Let’s see where they take it from here.

San Francisco 49ers (3-4): They seem to be just good enough on both sides of the ball, but not quite good enough to make anything stick. I like the foundation, though, and they should continue to improve. The end of this year should tell us more about next year.


SHIT FEST I SHOULDN’T EVEN BE WASTING TYPING ENERGY ON

Buffalo Bills - worst 3-5 team in NFL history

Kansas City Chiefs – hopeless and unhappy in the Midwest

Oakland Raiders – please put our owner out of our misery

St Louis Rams – At least we beat Detroit

Washington Redskins – At least we beat…oh…wait…

Tennessee Titans – Our savior is Vince Young. Oh, shit. We’re screwed.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Oh, yeah. I’m putting them here. They may be the best of the crap, but they’re still crap

Seattle Seahawks – Maybe we should fire our medical staff

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Still striving towards perfection

Detroit Tigers – At least we’ve improved on last season

Cleveland Browns – How the fuck did we win one game?

Wow, that’s a lot of shitty teams for one league.


Today’s distraction: Tips for fighting the elderly. By Pedro Martinez. Need I elaborate?

Crush of the Month (Oct Edition)

Before we get to the Crush of the Month for October, I just wanted to applaud Cliff Lee’s performance in Game 1 of the World Series last night. I’ve been a baseball fan for longer than I care to admit and can’t ever remember being as transfixed by what a pitcher was doing as I was last night.

Every single one of his pitches were top rate. The stellar Yankee lineup was confused and off balance throughout the game and even in the field Lee made things look easy (including a spectacular, behind the back grab of a grounder up the middle). He was at ease, in control and utterly dominating.

If you’re a Yankee fan, you should be worried because now your team is relying on AJ Burnett for a must win game. This could get ugly.

Alright, onto more serious matters.

This month’s BeachBum Crush of the Month is someone who has been out of the limelight recently, but someone whose work I’m just becoming familiar with. Thanks to Hulu and their archived television shows, that is.

Who?: Her name is Aahoo Jahansouz.

Uh….WHO??!: Yeah, sorry, you probably know her better as Sarah Shahi, the actress lucky enough to be born with Iranian blood while living in the good old USA. Tell you what; let’s just start with this:

Hummannahummanaahummanna

I’ll give you a minute to get your breath back.

As you well know by now, Crush of the Month is not based on looks alone. While some of you may be familiar with Sarah’s work in ‘The Sorpranos’ (she was a stripper who consoled Tony) or ‘The L Word’ (never saw it but my imagination is running wild) or even ‘Alias’ as a young journalist, the main reason I have grown to appreciate Sarah is her terrific work in ‘Life’.

Torn between terror and arousal

I’m catching up on this series (which only lasted a season and a half) on Hulu and she is surprisingly good as the hard assed, recovering alcoholic partner of Charlie Crews. She’s so good, in fact, that I was shocked to learn she's a former model. Usually that route doesn’t produce top notch actors.

My only qualm about her character in ‘Life’ is that she doesn’t smile nearly enough thus depriving viewers this stunning vision:

Smile is to the left in this picture

Probably just as well since it would distract from the complex characters and story line.

What Else?: She speaks three languages (English, Persian and Spanish), has absolutely no qualms about posing in the nude, appears to be a fitness freak, and was once quoted as saying ‘I love when guys check me out’.

Consider it done!

She was also a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader and wound up the cover girl of their 2000 calendar. Also, for those of you missing the vision of her beauty and talent, she’s just signed on for a new series called ‘Facing Kate’ about a divorced mother who quits law and becomes a mediator. It’s going to be on USA Network soon, so keep an eye out for it.

That All?: It would be remiss of me to praise Sarah without letting all you possible stalkers reading this know that she is a karate brown belt. This means she’ll have you on your back watching little cartoon birdies dance around your head before you figure out if you were sneaking up on the right lady.

She also is a new mom, having given birth to a son in July. I’m pretty sure that baby could already kick your ass simply by sharing her genes. Watch yourself.

Congratulations, Sarah, for being October’s BeachBum Crush of the Month and good luck on the new show.


Today’s distraction: New motivational posters to inspire you to new heights. Even if that simply means getting out of bed before noon.