Friday, January 26, 2007

The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of....

If there is one word that exemplifies the difference between men and women more than any other, it is this: Fart.

Allow me to elaborate. I have yet to meet one guy out there that doesn't find a well timed fart the funniest fucking thing in the world. Well, one guy, but I'm pretty sure he's gay and just doesn't know it. Very few women will laugh, however. They'll find it disgusting or just walk out of the room or offer up the lame "How old are you?" Sometimes all three!

Example: Our statistics class in college was in the middle of it's final exam. It was pin-drop quiet and the teacher had just left the room for a quick break (which, considering the teacher, probably meant taking a toke behind the bushes). Couldn't even hear any traffic noise. Suddenly, my buddy let's one rip. To this day it was the loudest, longest fart I've ever heard and it must have been by accident, because it slowly morphed into a high pitched squeal in his fruitless attempt to pinch it off. That was it. Not only was every guy in the class unable to talk for the rest of the class, but my test wound up with tear stains on it. I 'm laughing about it now! And it's been 16 years!!!

I do recall some of the girls laughing, but they seemed to be more laughing at the boys unable to control themselves. Laughing at us, not with us, if you will.

Guys take pride in their gas. It's a badge of honor to let one rip at will or use one as an exclamation point. I often use one to make my feelings known about a particular subject or person. "I have one thing to say about that". PHHHEEEERRRRRTTTTT!!! Never gets old. If you use an exaggerated leg lift, it adds to the effect.

How many woman can claim trying to light their own farts on fire? My buddy burnt the pubic hair off his ball sack one night because he didn't believe it could be done. How many women have held one until they were climbing a set of stairs so they could let loose in their friend's face walking behind them? I'll round it off and say none.

If I was more intelligent I would say this is a leading indicator of some higher sociological or genetic difference between the sexes, but I think it's just because guys will never grow up.

That and farts really are funny!

Today's distraction: Choose between all sort of different farts and burps. You need sound so you may not be able to listen to them at work. Just hover the cursor over the Demo icon. You can even scroll down the entire list and make your own musical medley. This could be the best possible use of the Internet I've discovered, so far


French said...

The funniest fart experience(s) I can recall happened when I was growing up. Our family dog used to fart all the time, but they were silent. My dad referred to them as 'green clouds'. As I recall, he would look at Ollie, our dog, and say simply "Another green cloud." And they smelled worse than anything anyone could ever imagine. And it's still fucking hilarious to think about because Ollie absolutely knew why he was getting yelled at. He always looked genuinely embarrased by his farts. But I just love how descriptive 'green cloud' is.

BeachBum said...

That is GREAT!! I'm incorporating 'Green cloud' into my vocabulary.