Friday, January 19, 2007

Prison Break

You ever wonder what life would be like in prison? We’ve all heard the horror stories about shanks and shivs and anal sex and dropping soap (not necessarily in that order) and eating cockroaches, but how much is true, ya think? I’ve seen “Oz” and “Shawshank Redemption”, but is that accurate? I, for one, don’t want to find out. I know how abrasive I can be and would probably be found hanging from the bars with my own innards if I had to spend a weekend there. So, I’ve taken to preparing some contingency plans in case I’m framed for a murder I didn’t commit. What? It could happen.

Step 1: Befriend someone with same height and build.

Step 2: Swap identities after frame up and kill look alike in a staged accident. Remember to bring plenty of gasoline and matches.

Step 3: Flee to Caribbean with some hot blonde. This can be modified to brunette or redhead. I’m not picky.

Step 4: Live like Whitey Bulger the rest of my days. Figure I’m average looking enough to blend in.

I will probably add a Step 5 about not putting this down in writing, but let’s just see how this plays out. To all of my friends built like me, I’m totally kidding about this.

Today’s distraction: The art of the shiv. My favorite is the typewriter carriage return. Inventive, original and it looks like that thing could do some major damage.

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