Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Urination Nation

In my constant quest to make this world a better place and to keep people from annoying the living shit out of me, I think it’s time for a run down on proper men’s room etiquette. Yeah, we’ve been down this road before and it isn’t complicated, yet there is always a constant stream (pun intended) of idiotic, rude and disgusting guys sharing my pee space.

Let’s keep the obvious ones about eye contact and touching out of this. I’m sure the main offenders have already had the crap kicked out of them. If they haven’t learned by now, I can’t help them.

Four Simple Rules:

Select. We have three urinals in our men’s room here at work. More than once I’ve walked in to find one particular douchebag by himself using the middle one. THE MIDDLE ONE!! What the fuck!?? This means I have no choice but to use a stall. When the urinals are empty and there are more than two, pick the one furthest from the door. Always leave a buffer zone, so if someone comes in after you they won’t have stand right next to you. No normal guy wants that. Please note the ‘normal’ part of that statement.

Aim. I work in what is supposed to be a professional office space where men dress in suits, deal with people in a courteous, respectful manner, yet they can’t seem to keep their own piss off the floor or toilet seat. How fucking old are you? My six year old has better aim. He also knows that if, by some accident you manage to spill then just wipe it up. In summary: 6 year old more considerate and sanitary than men five and six times his age.

Flush. This is particularly important when someone is taking a dump. If you are hung over and taking a massive, nasty shit that smells like you ate a barge full of rotting steamers, then just flush it away. You don’t have to wait until you are completely done, just get rid of it as quickly as you can. Nobody likes the smell of your shit, even if you somehow take some perverse pleasure in it. Exception to this rule: If you happen to be at some skuzzy, little dive bar and the toilet is obviously clogged. In which case, leave said bar and go someplace nice, you cheap bastard.

Wash. Let me say that again. WASH!!! SCRUB!!! RINSE! REPEAT! Oddly enough that same dildo that takes the middle urinal has been witnessed walking out the door without washing his hands on more than one occasion. I’ve even seen highly important men – men who spend all day schmoozing and shaking hands with dozens of people every day - exit the stall next to me after taking a shit, stroll right past the sink and out the door. It takes maybe two minutes to wash. Just do it. Use soap too. Don’t do the fake wash either, where you just scrub your hands under cold water. That’s just lazy and you’re not fooling anyone. What’s troubling is after witnessing an alarming number of people doing this, I now am afraid to touch the men’s room door handle. I do my thing, wash, then stand staring at the door handle wondering how I’m going to get out without actually touching anything. I’m one step removed from being a real life “Monk”. Thanks, scumbags. I’m becoming obsessive compulsive due to your unsanitary, disgusting habits.


Today’s distraction: How well do you know proper urinal etiquette? Care and be aware, my fellow men! And wash your fucking hands!!

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