Friday, February 2, 2007

I'll Cap Your Ass!!

I had the distinct displeasure of taking part in the most excruciating conference call in the history of business. Everyone in our company had to dial in and listen to our CEO page through some bullshit about how great we are doing. I mean 'page' literally as you could hear him leafing through his written statement.

Normally, our company doing great is good news, but nobody buys it as we can't buy anything unless it's been pre-approved and signed in triplicate with your first born's blood. Only then will they deny the request.

Anyway, I was looking around the room at all the Blackberry zombies checking their emails while we sat like accused murderers at our arraignment and started classifying the people in the room. There's the office idiot, there's the complete asshole who shits on his assistants, there's the weird guy nobody understands, there's the pompous ass who amazingly looks condescending just listening to a phone call, there's the party girl who tries to act professional but can't quite pull it off. Does every office have the same jumble of personalities? If so, why and how? If an office is missing a particular component, do they hire accordingly just to balance things out?

For example, let's say the bimbo role is missing from an office. Does management, consciously or not, hire someone who just so happens to be a slut and sleeps with the office guy slut her first week on the job? Is there a gender specific term for slut when it comes to guys? If not, we need to come up with one.

How my mind wanders from boredom. Where was I?

I wonder if our work environment a subtle, delicate ecosystem that needs all the right parts to function properly. Ever notice that when a certain person in the office is out for an extended period of time, things change? Either they're more relaxed and fun or less so. When the weirdo is out on vacation there is nobody to ponder over and make fun of. When the asshole is out, his assistant is suddenly funny and charming. When the mumbler is out we understand everything that everyone says. The dynamic changes, even if it's minor.

How many times have you worked in an office that has the proper mix of people; productivity humming. Then a new hire comes on who just doesn't fit and everyone notices almost immediately. Either they're too lazy, too serious, too freaky and it throws everyone off. Two things usually happen. Either the new person realizes they don't fit and change their behavior accordingly or they leave (voluntarily or not). Then things start functioning properly again. The balance has been restored.

In the midst of these thoughts I sensed someone staring at me and looked over to find the office drunk mouthing to me "I need a drink". When I realized I was looking at my reflection in the window, I shut my brain down for the duration. Next time I'm dialing in from my desk so I can play PacMan.

Today's distraction: A list of cool guns you can make out of office supplies. Pay particular attention to the Advanced Guns section that look like they could really kill someone. Anyone annoys you, just cap their ass. Get it? Pen cap?? Cap your ass?? Right. Carry on.

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