Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Mentally Unfit

New research conducted by Harvard University psychologist Ellen Langer and her student Alia Crum has concluded that a majority of the positive effects of exercise could be all in our heads. They did an experiment with 84 cleaning women from 7 different hotels. They told staffs at 4 hotels that what they did during their work day constituted good exercise. They told the other 3 hotel staffs nothing.

Results? After 4 weeks the staffs at the informed hotels lost an average of 2 pounds, had their blood pressure drop an average of 10% and "were significantly healthier as measured by body-fat percentage, body mass index, and waist-to-hip ratio." The uninformed hotels showed no change.

Do you know what this means? Do you??!! It means I am now on a mental campaign to convince myself that sitting on the couch, drinking 22 beers a day, and becoming nearly immobile is great exercise. Forget actually going to the gym, I'll just imagine doing nothing is good for me. I'll be dropping pounds in no time. Pecs will be ripped from lifting myself out of bed in the morning...ok...afternoon usually. Biceps will bulge with the effort of lifting a nice cigar towards my mouth. Delts and lats sculpted by showering. I'll develop six pack abs while drinking a six pack.

The options are limitless. Ice cream for lunch? Absolutely! The calcium helps you tone. Chocolate cake for dinner? Of course! Eggs in the recipe provide great protein, which will give you energy for the tough hammock workout you'll be doing later.

Plus, I can get rich on my own diet craze. Let's call it "BeachBum's Tequila Diet". You drink a shot of Tequila for breakfast, lunch and dinner along with your regular meal. I'll tell everyone the proteins and minerals contained within Tequila naturally raises your metabolism and will help you shed the inches! People will lose weight because they'll be convinced the diet is supposed to make them lose weight. I can't lose!!!

Next time you see that huge, buff guy walking down the street - you know the one that can barely move his arms to scratch his head? - that could be me!! I'm working out constantly now. I'm gonna be RIPPED!!

Time to go watch SportsCenter. Did you know it helps bulk up the calf muscles? It's true!! Watching '24' is great cardio, too!! And 'Lost' works your glutes.

Today's distraction: Take a health and fitness quiz. I did pretty sucky at 60%. It was like high school all over again. I just needed to go smoke weed in the back parking lot at lunch and the effect would have been complete.


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