Thursday, February 1, 2007

The Other Woman

I have a problem. You can't help me with it; I just wanted to lay it out to show you how insane my life has become. Giving you a piece of myself, so to speak. Granted it's a deranged, dark piece of myself, but beggars can't be choosers and you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth and all that.

Here's my issue: There is another woman in my life. No, it's not St. Paulie Girl (if ONLY!). No, this isn't a sexual thing, either. I've never had sex with her or even kissed her or held hands. I punched her a couple of times, but it was totally in self defense. Even the cops agreed. In fact, this girl doesn't even know she's the other woman. That's right. I don't talk to her, I don't email her, nothing.

So why is this a problem? Well, we were friends at one point, but wifey wasn't too fond of the idea. See, OW is a knockout. Just ask OW. She'll tell you. Plus we had...let's call it an unusual camaraderie. We shared inside jokes and could crack each other up very easily. Needless to say it didn't bode well for our friendship.

Saturday night is my buddy's big bash. He turned 40 and we'll be bouncing around Boston hitting all the bars. And I know she does the same thing. The chances of us running into her are above average I would say. Better then 50%, at least.

It raises the issue of how I respond to her if we run into each other. Wifey will be there, so it will not be a comfortable situation at all. I've come up with the following options:

Ignore her
Pros: Would please wife
Cons: I would feel bad. No, really.

Say a quick hi
Pros: Proper thing to do considering our past friendship
Cons: Wife will give me dagger eyes and not talk to me for a week
Wait, this is the con part, right?

Bail on my wife and hang with her the rest of the night
Pros: Would be fun
Cons: Divorce; sleeping in street

Pick a fight with the bouncer
Pros: Effective in getting us out of bar quickly
Cons: Potentially painful

Stab myself in thigh
Pros: Effective distraction
Cons: No potential about it, this would hurt. Would also end the night.

Pretend I'm completely shitfaced
Pros: Plausible deniability
Cons: Wife would see through it; kicked out of bar.

Yell 'Fire'
Pros: Major...and I mean MAJOR...distraction; would get us out of bar
Cons: Injuries; potential riot; definite charges against me

Fake Stroke/Heart Attack
Pros: Sympathy from wife; free ride in ambulance
Cons: Could provoke love proclamation from OW if she thinks I'm really dying. That would be awkward.

Point her out to wife. Tell wife she just winked at me
Pros: Epic cat fight
Cons: Uh...give me a minute.....

I'll probably just wait it out and see if wifey notices her first. Or just hope we don't run into each other. Still, never hurts to be prepared and don't think I won't pull some other option out of my ass at the last minute. Done it before and will do it again.

Today's distraction: A list of clues to know your significant other is having an affair. Oddly they don't mention "comes home smelling like sex" or "calls you another name in bed".

While you're there, check out the signs of internet porn addiction (on the left). Number one being "Insatiable desire for porn". Figured it would be "Is always on the computer" or "Is male and between the ages of 13 and 99", but I'm no expert.

Quick note on the fake bombs around Boston yesterday. News mentioned that this is a 'advertising campaign that went drastically wrong' and I couldn't disagree more. Look what everyone is talking about today. 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force' is now a household name. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, will now recognize that character. This could go down as the most effective advertising campaign in history. Sure, some of the little guys were blown up and Turner will have to shell out millions, but you can't buy this kind of publicity. Fox news was even showing the little guy flipping the bird and trying to act all serious. It was great! I won't even mention that they plugged the show's date and time during the broadcast. Oops, just did.

On the other hand, is anyone else worried that these had been in place for over 2 weeks and this is the first time anyone noticed one? If these were real bombs our city would have been in ruins weeks ago.


Anonymous said...

Unless you'd like to act out one of these scenarios, don't go to Ned Devine's on Saturday night. Actually, fuck that...I think you should. That would be incredibly entertaining for me.


BeachBum said...

You just want to see me stab myself in the leg.