Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Paint by Numbers

While wifey and the kids are away visiting her sister, I'm painting my upstairs hallway. When the cat's away the mice will....paint? Don't try to stop me! I'm a crazy man!!

I used to paint to earn cash in college and am pretty good at it. One of my many useless skills. I thought it would be a good idea to list the proper way to paint. Just a general 'how to' guide with suggestions and tips. Try and contain your excitement.

Preparation: This is the key to a productive paint job. Make sure you have all the necessary tools to make the job successful. For example, I was getting ready to start on the hallway when I realized I only had 4 beers left. I dropped everything and ran to get another 12. And it's a good thing, too, because when I got back I realized I forgot to pick up any paint or brushes. Which means I spent the rest of the day watching 'The Departed' and sucking down delicious refreshments. Painting can be fun! As far as the actual surface, just paint over it. It's the same as cleaning.

Pick Your Paint Wisely: Guys, this means let the ladies pick and you just approve or deny. We painted our living room 'Desert Sunset' (dark orange) last year. This time she picked out 'Semolina' (light orange). It actually looks nice, but if I had my way I would have tried to custom order 'Iraqi Bloodbath', the team colors of the Celtics (they coordinate nicely. What?) or, in one of my more creative moments, covering the walls with labels of all the different types of beers I've personally tasted. C'mon, they would have been organized and getting all those labels would have been one hell of a

Edge Properly: If there is one thing I want to stress in this entry, it's that border tape is for pussies. PUSSIES! Do it by hand or hire some illegal immigrants to do it for you. You'll spend just as much time, if not more, trying to put the pansy tape in the correct place anyway.

Top Down: No, I'm not talking convertibles here. Start from the top and work your way down. There's nothing more infuriating than getting the walls just right, then realizing you have to put another coat on the ceiling. Little white specks wind up all over your nice new paint job. Of course, you can do what I did and just said it's the new effect all the designers on TLC are using. Or so I hear.....I don't watch that either.

Paint: This ain't fucking rocket science. Just dip the brush or roller, get the excess off and put it on the wall until the old color is completely covered by the new color. Done. Horay! Nice work. Now you're qualified to make eight bucks an hour with no benefits and immigration one step behind you. Congrats.

One more thing. Have fun with it. If you're painting with someone, make sure you roll that spot behind their knees or put a dab in their hair where they can't see it. It could be there for weeks. Also, see if you can roll their entire face before they pull back. Tougher than it sounds.

On a sidenote, I just came back from the store and realized I inadvertently purchased the bachelor grocery list. This included breakfast cereal, bread, makings for nachos, cheese curls (tune in tomorrow), 12 pack of beer and a desert (in this case Enteman's Raspberry Coffee Cake - also great as a quick breakfast). As I realized this, I rushed home because I knew what was in my fridge: Cold pizza. If it weren't for the sippy cups littering the shelves and the dog that won't shut the fuck up, I would truly feel like a bachelor. Needless to say I made nachos and overdosed on college hoops.

Today's distraction: Play a kick ass game of paintball. Helps get out your frustrations if you're having a tough day, too. Enjoy!


French said...

YES, that fucking blue edging tape was the bane of my existence the last time I painted with my Dad (who owns a painting company, mind you). And it really does take longer to edge than it does to paint.

You should dedicate an entire blog to the ultimate bachelor grocery list...I would add Totino's Pizza Rolls, Beer Nuts and the new Hustler to that list. And maybe a tin of long cut.

BeachBum said...

Not a bad idea. I've always been partial to Penthouse, myself. The Hustler girls are a bit to 'crack whore' for my taste. I prefer my 'hos to be a tad more high class. Besides how can you beat that forum full of fake sex stories? You just can't.

I also forgot cold cuts and pb&j. A bachelor staple since prehistoric days.