Thursday, February 15, 2007

President BeachBum

Yeah, you read that right. I figure everyone else and their brother are jumping into the Presidential race, why not me? Let's take a look at my competition:

John McClain - too short
John Edwards - too pretty
Mitt Romney - too Mormon
Hillary Clinton - too manly
Barack Obama - too foreign

You really think we're going to elect President a man who's middle name is Hussein and last name is one letter removed from 'Osama'?

I suppose I need a platform, so let's start fleshing that out right now.

First, I'm eliminating any unnecessary government interference. You want an abortion? Go get one. You want to smoke weed in your house? Feel free. Just invite me over. You want to gamble away your life savings? Have fun. Just know that we're taking half of any winnings from you and half of any losses from the house.

Drugs and prostitution will now be legal. Fuck this war on drugs. We can't win anyway. Instead I'm going tobacco on them. We'll regulate it and tax the shit out of it. Prostitutes will be screened for any and all possible diseases on a monthly basis or they won't have their 'Whore License' renewed. We'll set up clean drug houses so people can get high in a safe environment, but they won't be allowed to leave until they're sober. And if they want to go to rehab, well just jump on the bus idling outside. It will take them to a nice, relaxing, state of the art, facility. The money earned from this will go towards....

Health care for everyone. HMOs, you will now be government contractors matching patients with the proper doctors and care. Doctors, you can now treat as you see fit and not over charge for prescriptions and/or unneeded tests. If I catch you scamming the system, there will be no mercy. You go to jail and no more practicing unless it's a forced penile exam by your 300 pound cell mate, Bubba. Good luck with that.

Corporations, since you now have a cash influx from not having to provide health care for your employees, I'm implementing an 'Education Tax' on you. Let's say it will be 75% of what you used to pay for HMOs. So you're still getting back 25% of that money to do with what you want.

75% of this tax is going into a general fund that will double teacher's salaries. You want to know why education is having so many problems? Look a the pay scale in your home town. Now consider what these people have to do for a living and ask if you would do what they do for what it's paying. Would you do it for double that salary? Alrighty then. By doubling the salaries we can now recruit the top minds in the country to teach our children. What intellectual wouldn't teach for 6-7 hours a day for $80,000 a year and still have time to write and publish?

The other 25% of that 'Education Tax' will go towards building and equipment maintenance for the schools. That includes tighter security.

And since I'm in a position of power, I'm developing a new traffic police department. Their sole responsibility will be to drive around town in unmarked, average cars and look for insane drivers. For example, last night some maniac was weaving in and out of traffic trying to find some non-existent hole he could drive through. All he wound up doing was almost side swiping my truck, the Camry next to me and slam into the back of the FedEx truck that stopped for a red light. He did this for 4 blocks and always wound up right next to me at the next red light. If one of my new registry police witnessed this guy, they would have the power to pull him over, take his license away right then and there and impound his car for a week. The charge would be 'DWAA' - driving while an asshole. His license wouldn't be revoked forever, just a week. Second offense, a month. Third, a year and so on. Let's call them 'The Road Warriors'. Love that movie.

Iraq? Consider us out. They've survived centuries before without our interference, they'll survive without us again. There will be one thing I do before I pull out (man, this is sounding like every sex conversation I've ever had): Touring the Middle East on a goodwill tour will be our new military prostitutes. Blowjobs for any and all Iraqi men. Let them know what they're missing. We can cure them of their American hatred in three weeks. And while they're in the area, we can give the Iraqi women lessons on how to do it. I'm betting that once Iraqi men get one and Iraqi women know how to give a proper one making bombs will be the last thing on anyone's mind. In fact, let's make sure the men know how to properly satisfy the women before we go, too. They probably have no idea what the hell is going on underneath those black gowns. Once they figure out how much fun sex can be for both partners, they'll never leave the house. We'll be seeing belly shirts and pierced Iraqi belly buttons in no time. God Bless America!!

As for the debates, well, let's just say things are going to change. First, I want Chris Rock to be the moderator. Second, unpredictable physical violence could break out at any point. Hillary makes a good point on something, I'm throwing a haymaker at her ugly face. Third, personal insults are good for a point. Let's say Edwards criticizes my Iraq policy. I just come back with "Dude, you couldn't even beat out John Kerry for the democratic nomination last time. JOHN KERRY! You fucking loser!" Or "Hey, think your nose is running. Hurry over to your mother so she can wipe it, you pussy." I especially want to rebut by saying 'homosayswhat?" really fast and see who responds. My money's on Hillary.

I'll be fine tuning things in the coming months, including naming my running mate. I'm leaning towards Diddy right now, but he changes his name too often. Maybe Ludacris. Either way the White House be the shizizzle when I get in there!! Go BOYEEEEEEE!!!!

Today's distraction: Pretend you're the President and take shots at Bin Laden. Great fun. Make sure you turn down the volume as the gunshots can be loud.

And since that wears thin rather quickly and I'm pimping myself out for your vote, here's a bonus distraction: Name the Presidents. I got a perfect score. See? I'm more than worthy to be your leader.

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