Monday, February 26, 2007

Putrification

There are certain things I'm beginning to notice as I approach 40. The most noticeable and problematic are that injuries aren't healing as quickly as they used to. When I was in high school, I sprained my ankle in practice. It was a bad one, too. I was back playing within a week. Piece of cake.

These days I throw my back out picking up a wrapper off the floor and it takes me a week just so I can sleep normally again. My buddy who just turned 40 last month spent the last three weeks visiting a chiropractor because he aggravated his sciatic nerve. He was so bad, his hips were actually thrown out of alignment. He was also diagnosed with arthritis in his some of this vertebrae. Did he do this lifting something heavy? Working out at the gym? Having vigorous sex with his girl? No, he did it bending down to put in a DVD. I will quote him "Our player is under the set so I bent down and heard a pop. Next thing I know I'm face down on the floor in more pain I've ever felt in my life. I actually cried!"

Then there is the family. Christmas Eve was spent in the hospital because my mother had a minor stroke. She's over 70 now and, as I told my wife, we better get used to these calls because they'll be coming more frequently. My father is 75 and in fairly good health, but we all wonder what will happen to him if my mother dies first. They've already had the talk with us about their will and revive wishes should it come to that. Real upbeat dinner talk.

Aging! Good times! I caught a cold about 3 weeks ago and still have some residual effects from it. (Will share another theory I have about that later). I notice if I'm on my feet too long my lower back stiffens. The pinkie I have broken multiple times aches when it gets cold. With every hair cut I get my forehead gets larger and there is more and more gray on the floor. On Saturday and the woman actually used her buzzers on my ears! MY EARS! Hair is growing in places it never grew before.

Oddly, I have no issue with any of these things. If anything I just laugh, adjust and move on. I'm comfortable with myself and complete lack of any attractive qualities. Turning 40 really has nothing to do with that anyway. What I do have a problem with is this: "When a man turns 35 he must run twice as much to maintain his weight".

Maintain! Not lose. Maintain. A man's metabolism basically cuts in half after 35 years of age. Let's say I run a mile a day (AHAHAHAHAHA, that's funny). After 35, I need to run 2 miles a day just to stay where I am. 3-4 miles to lose weight. So, if I stay at 1 mile a day I'm going to gain weight. What a gyp!

Fortunately I haven't fallen into that whole 'running for exercise' trap. But it still means all the biking, kayaking, and B-ball is just fighting a losing cause. I can't win. I would have to do all those things twice as much and who has the time? I work for a living now. Have kids. A wife tracking me with a GPS device implanted in my left testicle. The time in my life I should be increasing my routine I actually have less time to exercise than ever before.

No wonder George Gervin and Bill Laimbeer weighed a combined 700 pounds at the All Star Weekend. I literally gasped when I saw the Ice Man in his uniform. But what should I expect? The poor guy never stood a chance.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still keep active mainly because I enjoy my recreation. I know it's still good for the heart and gets me out of the house. It also is my explanation for drinking red wine, beer and coffee. It's all good for the heart. The experts say so! I love the experts.

Besides, with my forward thinking I've already used this info to my advantage. Telling wifey that we need to have twice as much sex for me to maintain my manly figure. She hasn't bought it, but I can tell I'm wearing her down.

Soon will be having sex twice a year!!

Today's distraction: Find out the exact day you're going to die! Mine is December 18th, 2039. Which means I'll probably drop when I'm trying to find the perfect Christmas gift for my new 25 year old girlfriend who just happens to be the Playboy Playmate of the Year. Hey, it could happen! Right after I hit the lottery.

http://www.deathclock.com/

No comments: