Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Colgate Terrorism


Just after 9/11, some psycho was caught trying to light a fuse attached to his sneakers, which, it turns out, were packed with C4. Fortunately he was subdued by multiple fists from multiple passengers aimed at his extra thick skull. Coupled with the strange fact this idiot couldn't light a match, a major disaster was averted.

Because of him, everyone now needs to remove their shoes when going through airport security.

Last August intelligence officers both here and abroad caught wind of a terrorist plot to smuggle liquid explosives onto a bunch of airplanes and blow them up midair.

Now security personnel confiscate any liquids over 3 ounces. This includes shampoos (which I had taken away last trip), bottled water, coffee (bastards!), and basically anything that sloshes.

Now comes a report that for the month leading up to the discovery of the liquid explosives plot, a law enforcement agency (which one was not revealed) asked the Mizell & Co. International Security to obtain documentation on 'previous instances in which terrorists had been discovered carrying liquid explosives and other contraband concealed in tubes of toothpaste'.

That's right. Soon toothpaste won't be allowed.

Surprisingly, there are quite a few instances of this taking place. Dating back to the 70s when a Cuban Castro hater took down a plane carrying the entire Cuban Fencing Team by smuggling explosives and a detonator onto the plane in a hollowed out radio and tube of toothpaste.

In 1989, a 5 year old girl lost her hand when a toothpaste pump had been rigged as a bomb. In 1982, West Berlin agents arrested a Palestinian man when they found 4 blasting caps and 500 grams of a compound used for making explosives. Russian agents actually smuggled the plans for the Concorde in a tube.

You get the point. Lots of shit can be packed into a toothpaste tube. What matters is, once again, we'll be inconvenienced when traveling. Don't bring toothpaste, shampoo, or bottled water. Just buy more when you get where you're going.

That's when it hit me. These aren't terrorist plots. It's a conspiracy backed by CVS, Rite Aid and Walgreens to drum up more business. Think of how much money they'll be making if everyone who flies is forced to buy toiletries when they get where they're going. Then just leave it since they can't fly back with it in their bags.

It's so diabolical as to be genius. I must admit, I'm impressed. They're basically doubling their income by scaring the living shit out of governments and agencies. Not sure what that's called (extortion? blackmail?) but, damn, that's thinking outside the box. Give the executive that came up with that one a major bonus.

If my admittedly psychotic theory is correct, then we should expect the following items to be included in some sort of 'terrorist plot', therefore making them impossible to transport on a plane: Qtips, disposable razors for shaving, soap, fingernail clippers and toothbrushes. Hey, if they can get toothpaste and mouthwash banned, why not toothbrushes. That's the trifecta!

Like Google's plan to take over the world, I'm now onto the major drug store plot. If I suddenly stop posting, you'll know I've been assassinated or arrested on trumped up child pornography charges. I swear, they'll be trumped up.

Today's distraction: 10 Tips for Airline Safety. Some useful info in here, including the first which tells you to select non stop flights because most crashes occur during takeoffs and landings and non stops cut down on those.

Also, number 9 doesn't exactly make the case it's trying to. It sort of encourages it. Which means I'll be disregarding number 10 after ignoring number 9. It's the domino effect.

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