Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Immigration Retardation

There is ongoing debate regarding the immigration problem in the United States. Our highly respected President and leader has offered the brilliantly simple (minded) plan of building a really, really big fence. Really big! Like THIIISSSS long! He even named it: The Secure Fence Act. I was hoping they would name it Keep The Fuck Out Act, but they always disappoint me. Maybe that will be the sign on Mexico's side.

Predictably Republicans and Democrats have come down on opposite sides of this issue. With Elephants aligning themselves with organizations such as Federation for American Immigration Reform or FAIR, which seems to be anything but. Their website claims it 'seeks to improve border security, to stop illegal immigration, and to promote immigration levels consistent with the national interest.' Never mind that immigration levels since 1912 have been in the millions. They want it to a 'more reasonable' 300,000 a year. Not sure about you, but I think Republicans definition of 'reasonable' conflicts with mine.

The JackAsses don't want a fence put up at all. It will probably cut down on their view and lower their property values. Understandable. But they publicly say putting up a fence will be an eye sore and 'goes against everything America stands for'. I assume this means spending trillions for a hopeless cause in a foreign country, voting for who has the best voice on 'American Idol' and driving around in a massive GM Suburban that averages 3 miles per gallon.

No!! What they mean is that America is the country of equal opportunity. That by erecting (hee hee....erecting) this fence we will be eliminating the possibility of the American dream for tens if not hundreds of immigrants. How dare we! Note: the actual word used was 'thousands'

Once again, both parties are missing the main problem of this immigrant issue. Namely, who is going to be emptying the trash can in my office or landscaping my lawn or cleaning my pool? I don't have a pool, but if I had one, it would need to be cleaned. Right? I mean, what the fuck? I have needs, too!! Stop the flow of immigrants and who's going to clean the public rest rooms? You?! Me?! Little retar....uh sorry.. 'special' Ricky? Don't think so. He's got Stop & Shop carriages in the parking lot to gather up. The government never thinks of the little guy.

As usual, I have the answer. We hire illegal immigrants to build the fence! They can build it, but it can only be two feet high and once they get done they need to paint it and maintain it. By the time they get done, they'll have to start all over again. Like the Golden Gate Bridge.

I know, you're thinking this defeats the purpose of the Immigration Bill. We're still letting them cross into our country. Again, simple solution. You just move it one inch over the border into Mexico. This way they aren't technically entering the country. Who's going to complain? If the Mexican government makes a fuss, we just tell them it was an agreement made during their last siesta. Then just give them some Levi Jeans, a bunch of Ford Fiestas and we'll be good.

Plus, we can sell advertising space on this bastard. Just think of how much money can be made on a 6,000 mile billboard. We'll pay for Iraq and Iran (we're heading there next, in case you're wondering). We'll even let the high rollers make their ads neon. Maybe throw up a Bob's Big Boy statue that can double as a watch tower. Even make him mobile so he can hunt down and stomp the illegals trying to sneak over.

Better yet, let's have that TruckZilla thing patrolling the border. You know that one that they use at the monster truck rallies. Who's going to cross over with the possibility of running into a truck that transforms into a fire breathing monster? Very few, I would guess.

See what you have to look forward to with me as President. I'm full of ideas like this. I think outside the box. Stray from the norm. Get shitfaced and creative (I need to be the first to be the second). Who would be more fun to have in the White House? Exactly. I'm counting on your vote.

Today's distraction: Pretend you're an immigrant sneaking across the border and avoid the police for as long as possible. Harder than it first appears since you're on a bike and the cops are in cars. Pedal, Jesus! Pedal for your life!!!

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