Saturday, March 3, 2007

Little Buggers

Two of my proudest achievements are my kids, aged 6 and 2. Ok, they're basically my only achievements, but if they turn out to be my legacy, I'll die pleased. They're funny and fairly well adjusted considering who they have for a father. They treat other kids well and rarely throw temper tantrums.

That said, I'm convinced they are trying to see how long I can survive without sleep. My 2 year old has taken to emptying the crib two or three times a night, then crying because part of his clean up involved his pacifiers. I go in there, put everything back and he'll sleep for another 2-3 hours before doing it all over again. After the second time, my first thought getting out of bed is 'That little fucker'.

The last two nights have been spent breaking him of this habit. He now loses everything he throws out of his crib for the night. It goes on the bookshelf until the next night. The side effect of this, however, is he cries long and loud enough to wake the 6 year old. Who in turn, calls to me because he can't get to sleep.

Meanwhile, wifey is snoring comfortably in bed. She claims she's a sound sleeper, but I know she's just faking because she doesn't want to get up. I forced her hand the other night and waited for her to get up with the 2 year old. Her solution? Bring him into bed with us, which is fun since he starts climbing all over me and poking me in the ears, eyes, nose, neck until I move or open my eyes. I can't fucking win.

I would be ok with this if I could catch up on sleep on the weekends. But, lucky me, Saturdays are when the six year old climbs into bed with us at 6 AM and stares at me whispering 'Can we go downstairs now?' in my ear. He refuses to go down by himself ever since my wife decided it would be fun to take him to a haunted house during the Halloween season. As those Guinness guys would say: 'BRILLIANT!'

The thing about kids is they are creatures of habit. They wake up between 6 and 6:30 every weekday morning to get ready for school. This means they get up on Saturdays and Sundays at the same exact time. It's great! And by 'great' I mean 'fucking blows'.

It's not just the lack of sleep, either, I'm having trouble with. The youngest seems to be on a personal mission to get himself killed. Kind of like 'suicide by cop' he's trying 'suicide by dad'. He always takes some of what I'm eating (which is helping my diet), but what he does is climbs into my lap, takes a bite and if he doesn't like the taste of it, will spit it into MY lap! Half eaten food unexpectedly dropped onto your shirt and pants isn't exactly a sign of love.

He's also taken to doing the exact opposite of everything I ask of him. 'Can you hand me that cup?' I'll ask him. He'll take the cup and move it further away or drop it under the table. Then gives me a 'what the fuck are you going to do about it?' look. I'm assuming he's inherited his mother's personality. Bill Cosby once said, 'There's a reason kids are cute when they're young. It's so you don't kill them!' I now completely understand.

Progress is being made, however. As I've told people before, you need to break the kid's will and reshape him the way you want him to be. Reinforce the good, stomp the shit out of the bad. Last night he slept through the night for the first time since coming home from vacation. He's learning to ask for things. The other day he even said 'please'. It came out 'pees', but I'll take it.

Besides, I've found his weakness: Television. He loves 'Cars' and 'Madagascar', so if he wants to watch them he'll need to do something for me first. As I've proven in every other part of my life, blackmail works wonders!

Now if I can just train him to get and open my beers for me, life would be good.

Today's distraction: Watch out for Puki. He looks cute, but is an evil little child. Have fun blowing him away as you make your way down the hall towards freedom (or the next level).

No comments: