Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Word To Ya Motha

I'm becoming increasingly aggravated (imagine...me! aggravated!) with some of the phrases and words I've heard recently.

Let's start with the most redundant, idiotic, useless, annoying word invented in the past decade: 'Ginormous'. Kudos, wordsmiths. You took the word 'gigantic', which means really big and combined it with 'enormous', which also means really big and made a new word that means...wait for it....really big. So you see how it looks in a sentence, 'The people that use this word are ginormous douchbags'.

I'm inventing a new word. It's 'hig'. I've simply combined 'huge' and 'big' to make a word that means the SAME FUCKING THING!! Doesn't work? How about 'buge'? Or even better, keep those same four words that mean large and simply insert my favorite. Example: 'That woman is fucking enormous!' Problem solved.

Since baseball season is starting up, one of my least favorite phrases will come into play at some point soon. 'Grand slam home run'. I hear this all the time and it makes me grind my teeth. By definition 'grand slam' is a home run with the bases loaded. By adding 'home run' to the end of that you are effectively saying 'It's a home run with the bases loaded home run.' Oh, well. It's not like they went to school for broadcasting or communications or anything.

One Ford commercial has a bunch of people test driving different cars, then raving about how great the new Ford car is. I wonder if they plan on following up in 2 years when their new Ford, which they chose over a Honda and Toyota, has been in the shop 4 times and recalled 3 others. I'm thinking no. Anyway, one guy says of the Ford 'It's a one hundred percent home run'. Really? 100%? You sure it wasn't one of those 75% home runs, otherwise known as a triple? What about a 97% home run? Solid single? I can't figure out which is worse. That a guy says that or that Ford thought it was a good idea to use that particular quote in it's ad.

There is a girl in my office that ends conversations with 'anyhoo'. As in 'Anyhoo, I have to get back to work'. What's annoying is she will do this over instant messenger, on the phone or in person. Another girl always starts any conversation with 'how are ya?'. It doesn't matter if we just had a 20 minute conversation earlier that morning. If one ends and another begins, it's always 'Hey, how are ya?'. Only then can a second conversation commence. I've used 'I'm the same I was 10 minutes ago when we last talked' on multiple occasions. Doesn't stop her.

Then you have the corporate lingo that's been floating around for years. It's not 'used', it's 'pre-owned'. If you're lucky it's 'certified pre-owned'. Like you get a piece of paper with a seal on it saying 'This has indeed been used before'.

You should 'think outside the box' while sticking you in a 5 x 5 box.

We're not moving people around, we're 'restacking'. I like moving better. Restacking makes it sound like we're sardines. Think I just made a counter argument to myself.

You should 'work smarter, not harder'. This is something I cling to when people question my dedication. 'I may look like I'm surfing the web all day, but I'm working smarter, not harder.' Of course, I define smarter as 'doing less work and getting away with it' but they don't need to know our definitions vary.

I know what you're thinking: 'This coming from the guy that uses doodad'. Yes, doodad is perfectly acceptable because I don't use it all the time. It has it's singular place in my vocabulary. I suppose my biggest problem is replacing 'Hi' or 'Hello' with 'Hey'. As in 'Hey, how was your weekend?' Not sure why I do this. It just feels natural.

Besides, people should count their blessings. If I'm saying 'hey' to you, it usually means I'm not cursing you under my breath.


Today's distraction: Please refer to the new phrases worksheet in an effort to clean up your language. It really is getting to be a problem. For the record, 'I see' has been a part of my work place vocabulary for a while now.


French said...

OMG, I know! Ginormous? First of all, I fucking hate 'OMG', so I started you off with it. I've been using 'egantic' instead of ginormous just to test the waters and piss people off.

On the contrary though...actually, I'm gonna write my blog about the contrary...words I love. Thanks for the inspiration, Johnboy. Much obliged.

**OMG, I looked up 'invalid' and one of the definitions is shut-in. Good enough for me to continue using it in my original context I guess, but you were more right than I was.**

BeachBum said...

I like the sound of 'egantic'. Sounds like a rare insect. Let's start using it, but not give a definitive description of what it means.

Example: "Not sure, but I think that waiter is egantic"

If anyone asks, we'll just answer "Man, if you don't know by now, I can't explain it to you."