Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Barbie's Funhouse

I'm delighted to announce that breast augmentation has become the most common plastic surgery procedure in the U.S. Go boobs!! Bigger tit requests are up 11%, with Silicon implants rising 18% since the FDA approved their use. Years and years ago, I had a grand old time with a girl who had silicon implants. They felt real enough to me, but seemed to not be as sensitive as natural ones. Think I prefer naturals to the fakes. Although since I'm married now they're just for show (for me anyway). Besides, with the exception of Phil Mickelson and Hurley on 'Lost', I'm in favor of all boobs.

Almost 11.5 million cosmetic surgeries in total during 2006. If you eliminate Joan Rivers, Burt Reynolds and Carrot Top it drops to about 8 million. Exact numbers from this article. I'm focusing on women only for reasons that will become obvious.


Surgical # procedures
Breast augmentation 383,885
Lipoplasty (liposuction) 350,420
Eyelid surgery 182,397
Abdominoplasty (tummy tuck) 164,800
Breast Reduction 145,822

Nonsurgical # procedures
Botox 2,881,119
Hyaluronic Acid 1,519,923
Laser Hair Removal 1,308,739
Microdermabrasion 921,970
Sclerotherapy 541,291 (spider veins)

Botox injections are still far and away the most popular cosmetic procedure while the fastest rising is vaginal surgeries. Beginning in 1995 this.......

Wait....

What???!!!

Vaginal cosmetic surgery?

Why, yes. Cosmetic surgery for the vagina. Pussy procedures. Surgical tugboats for the love canal. Shoring up the baby tunnel. OK...you get the point. Wait one more: Re-sugaring the nookie cookie. That one didn't work so well. Point being, women are now undergoing 'laser vaginal rejuvenation', 'designer laser vaginization', and my personal favorite 'revirginization' where the doctor reattaches the hymen. As one married woman who had this done for her husband's birthday gift claimed, 'It's the ultimate gift for the man who has everything!'

Sorry, lady, but if he truly was the man who had everything, he has a 24 year old bombshell blowing him every day during lunch. I digress. Potential costs for these procedures range between $3000 and $9000. Ca-ching for plastic surgeons!

Dr. Christopher A. Warner recently opened the 'Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute of Washington'. Besides owning the institute with the greatest name in history, he specializes in laser tissue repair to 'enhance sexual gratification' for women who may have had vaginal damage during childbirth. He also wants to give women the option of making themselves look younger down there. 'Youthful aesthetic look' is how he phrases it. Plus he can make those who are not virgins, appear to be virgins. I'll bet Middle Eastern women will be excited to hear about that option plan.

Critics (always there are critics) claim 'there is no evidence they are safe or effective, because they have never been studied scientifically'. Well, damn, man...sign me up!!! If it's for science I'm all for examining the effects of surgical vaginal procedures and whether it produces the desired sexual result. I'll even test the 'revirginization' aspect. Closely. In fact, they may need to have the procedure a few more times after my examinations are complete.

Personally, I'm not that fond of plastic surgery just for the sake of 'perfecting' oneself. What I like about women are their imperfections. A small scar over the eyebrow, a nose that's slightly crooked when looked at from a certain angle, the way one ear might be just a bit smaller than the other. A beautiful woman is beautiful because of those imperfections, not in spite of them. But that's just me. If a woman (or man) wants to improve something they are insecure about, then by all means. Our society is (supposedly) all about empowerment and confidence and if that helps someone become more comfortable with themselves then do what you want.

What I don't like are these invented 'procedures' that don't help at all. I can't claim one way or another whether these vaginal procedures are legitimate or complete crap. I can say that most of these cosmetic surgeries don't seem to help much or produce the desired effect. We've all seen those celebrities that had a face lift. Ain't always attractive and tend to make the person look worse and often pathetic. My sister in law receives the botox injections and it's obvious when she's had them just before we see her. She looks like she's constantly surprised. She can't smile or frown. Or talk. Or blink. Seriously, what's the point? I have no wrinkles, but my face is now flowing onto the floor. There's a big improvement.

Speaking for myself, I like my women natural. Both physically, emotionally and mentally. Don't try to be someone you're not. Don't tell me things you think I want to hear.

And don't turn yourself into a Barbie Doll. Remember, Barbie was so plastic and tight she never got any action. Granted, a flamingly gay Ken probably contributed to that.

Today's distraction: Some of the worst celebrity plastic surgery. Author seems to be stretching it with Shannon Elizabeth. I don't see much of a difference that a good night's sleep wouldn't account for. Heather Mills and Barry Manilow are just wrong. If you scroll to the bottom and click on Archives you can go month by month. I would like to take this moment and tell Melanie Griffith to please stop. Just stop.

And, of course, the King of Plastic Surgery.

No comments: