Friday, April 13, 2007

Devil Dog

I have a sneaking suspicion that I may be the spawn of Satan. Allow me to elaborate. Like you have a choice. My arguments:

- Every Friday the 13th I have ever lived through has been a great day. It's like it's the opposite of bad luck for me. I remember having the best date of my life on Friday the 13th. One of the best nights, too (not the same day). On the flip side, I have miserable days on Good Fridays. Every Good Friday.

- I have a severe aversion to anything religious. In fact, I think all organized religion should be banned from society and could easily make a convincing argument that all of the world's atrocities throughout history stem from religious beliefs.

- I don't believe that Jesus walked on water, that Moses parted the Red Sea, or that oil really lasted for 12 days (or however long) for the Jews. Sorry, just don't.

- Think everything written in the Bible is, at the least, exaggerated and, at worst, out and out lies.

- I don't feel guilt about telling truths to people I don't like (long list, btw). If someone is pissing me off or is acting like an asshole or treating other people like shit, I have no trouble telling them off. In fact, I rather enjoy it. Now that I think about it, I have no guilt doing this to people I do like.

- I like sex and think people should have it often. Even if they're ugly. Although if you are ugly, don't ever mention that you have sex to me. I don't need the visual.

- I think everyone should use birth control for two reasons:
A: It opposes one of the most idiotic tenets of the Catholic Church
B: Most people are idiots and shouldn't reproduce.

- I have violated nearly every commandment and sin. There are a few I'm against, like suicide and murder, but there are exceptions.

- I have openly despised more than a fair share of priests, rabbis and other 'holy men'.

- I don't believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy.

- I think Ghandi was a pussy.

- I can be overtly mean to people and not feel guilty.

- I have wished bodily harm on other people and will do so again. In fact, it tends to happen whenever I see ARod.

- I have my doubts as to whether Satan can be defined as evil or bad. The story goes that Lucifer attempted to overthrow God because he disagreed with the way he was running things. God cast him and his archangels out and they made a nice cozy den in the basement. Still, is disagreeing with God necessarily evil? Maybe they just had creative clashes. Philosophical differences.

I know what you're thinking. If Lucifer were my father wouldn't I be powerful and rich? Or at the very least in politics? Well, that's the thing about being the Prince or Darkness. You only care about yourself. Dear old Dad isn't looking out for me. Just himself. I'm sure if he wanted something he would get in touch. There is the other issue of me not actually believing in God or Satan, but let's not dabble in details.

Because, as they say, the devil is in the details.

Today's distraction: Play Friday the 24th and kill all the cute elves while they're packing for Christmas. That I find this fun and funny should tell you all you need to know about me.

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