Saturday, May 5, 2007

Honey, I'm Home

If you haven't heard, the global honey bee population has been mysteriously disappearing. In a phenomenon called Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD for you acronym junkies) honey bee nests are left with only the queen bee and a few worker bees. The rest are gone. Just gone. No dead bees, no trace of anything. According to sources the queen was quoted as saying 'They said they were just running out for milk. Next thing I know I'm all alone caring for the little ones. Bastards! They're all bastards!' Queen bee then burst into tears and flipped to Oprah.

Why should we care? Because honey bees are a vital part of pollination process for over 90 different types of vegetable and fruit plants. That's right. No bees, no food. That's bad, I would gather. What's truly concerning is we have no way of duplicating the pollination process. So those of you thinking we can just 'figure something out' might want to stop that thought. We've already tried and we can't do it.

Reasons why this is happening are a bit cloudy for the moment, but researchers at the Edgewood Chemical Biological Center (a U.S. Army product!!!) have some possibilities. They identified both a virus AND a parasite that could be causing some problems. Here's the press release if you're interested. Doesn't say much other then they used some fancy new technology called 'Integrated Virus Detection System (IVDS)' to discover the pathogens. Whoopie!

Fortunately for all of my loyal readers (all two of you), I may have the real reason. Bees don't want to have sex with the queen. They have fled in mortal terror of their genitals. When bees mate with the queen their genitals literally explode. Then their penis falls off and stays stuck inside the queen to prevent any further mating. Not sure about the rest of you guys, but I would get the fuck away, too. I like my penis and exploding gonads doesn't sound like the best way to end a date. It shouldn't be called Colony Collapse Disorder it should be called Genital Preservation Syndrome (GPS!!! Shit, that's taken).

Interviews with some runaway bees have been tracked down. According to a National Hive article, one worker bee (identified only as Bubba) said, 'All day long it's work, work, work. I mean, what the fuck? We fly around, we pollinate, we fly some more, pollinate, then get back to the nest only to serve Her Holiness Queen Bitch, who just sits around all day sucking on Bon Bons. We never get to have fun and the one time in our lives we get laid our balls explode. This life sucks! Me and my buds are heading to Vegas for a few weeks to recharge.'

So there you go. They aren't dying off, they're just getting ready to form a union. Worker bees unite!

Today's distraction: Play Bee Commando. Fun, stupid little game. If you're at work turn down your volume before you start playing.

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