Thursday, May 10, 2007

Jury Doody

By the time you read this I'll be sitting in a jury room in Cambridge, trying to avoid eye contact with the other misfortunates around me and hoping to get out of there without any further obligation. My only hope is the hotline that you call the night before. I am burning incense, using voodoo, calling John Travolta, anything I can think of to sway the Court Gods into telling me I don't need to show up Friday morning.

The last time I was summoned to perform my civic duty was about 5 years ago. For whatever reason they called me to Framingham. I tried to get it changed to closer to home, but those bastards just wouldn't listen. Then, the day I had to go we just happened to be in the middle of a blizzard. No, not just a snow storm, a full fledged, how the hell am I getting out of my driveway, school cancelled, work optional blizzard.

I kept calling the hotline and the recording kept saying 'Court is scheduled as usual. Potential jurors should arrive by 8 am'. This was the recording right up until I got in my car and plowed my way to a courthouse 30 miles away from where I was living. Took me 2 hours to get there, so I was an hour late. I walk in, ask the guard where I should go and he says 'Oh, court's been cancelled.' I then got back in my car and drove another 2 hours back to my house. Good times! The good news is that was my jury duty. I got full credit just for showing up. Yay for me!

Tomorrow (today for you) will be different. It's maybe a 10 minute drive and it's been beautiful, so inclement weather won't be an issue. I have another problem, too. I'm supposed to go on a business trip next week, but if I get sucked into a trial I'm going to have to cancel it. Especially if it's something that takes up the better part of next week. My only hope is that it is a Friday, so court is usually slow. Monday's are the worst. All the arrests from the weekend have been piling up just waiting to give their side of the story.

Just in case, I've devised a few game plans to make sure I don't get selected for anything. I want a one and done deal. Pros and cons for each are offered.

Acting insane

Pros: This has the best chance of working as I'm rather odd anyway and it really wouldn't be a stretch.

Cons: Could wind up under 'evaluation' for extended period of time.

Dropping racial slurs as often as possible
Example: 'Do you have any prejudices?' 'Absolutely not, sir. Well, unless you include them spics and niggers. Oh, and the towel heads, too. I would convict one of them there terrorists in a second. So, except for those people and the Jews, I have no predijuices at all.'

Pros: Nobody wants a racist on their jury. I hope.

Cons: If court officer is black, I could get the living snot kicked out of me.

Insult the judge

Pros: Kicked out of court.

Cons: Possible jail time.

Wear and blast iPod at all times

Pros: Get to enjoy my fantastic taste in music and filter out the judge, bailiff, and everyone else. If it get selected how would I ever know?

Cons: Could actually increase my odds of being selected as I won't say anything offensive or stupid.

Wear suit and pretend I am highly important and shouldn't be wasting my time with something so trivial as jury duty

Pros: If I talk into my cell at all times, I might annoy enough people to get thrown out.

Cons: I hate ties.

Bomb threat

Pros: At the very least, a two hour break.

Cons: Believe that's a federal offense and might be facing life in jail. Possible injuries from stampede of people.

Acting like Rain Man

Pros: Could pull it off fairly well. Never make eye contact, repeat certain words over and over when spoken (example: 'Please stand!' Me - 'yeah, stand. everyone stand. stand...everyone....stand..stand.')

Cons: Might bug the shit out of myself

Arrive naked

Pros: Way too many to count

Cons: Traumatizing a building full of other people. Wait, this is actually a Pro. How about my nude ass sticking to those cheap chairs.

Sexually harass any good looking women in my vicinity

Pros: It's who I am, anyway. One might actually take me up on the offer..AHHAHAHAHAHA, man I am funny

Cons: Lawsuits, divorce, never see boys again. At least two of those are cons.

Arrive drunk

Pros: Most fun

Cons: Would need to start drinking at 4am. I suppose I could just stay up and drink all night......

Suicide

Pros: All my troubles are over, boys' college education paid for, finally get some sleep.

Cons: Rulers of the afterlife (if there is one) fighting eternal holy war over who gets me. I go to the loser.

I'm sure some other options may present themselves as I figure the layout. Maybe there is a back door I can sneak out. Just like back in the high school days. Sign my name to the sheet, pretend to get coffee, bye bye class.

As always, I'm open to other suggestions.

Today's distraction: Here's an Ohio man who had the same thought I did. He spent a night in jail, but was eventually removed from the jury. So, a night in jail or jury duty for a week or more. I really liked his excuse, too.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

LOVE the title!
-(I don't know what name to go by anymore, I give up)

French said...

Here's a surefire way to avoid being selected. Enter wearing a cutoff flannel and black jeans, along with a mesh cap sitting high on your head. Put on your best southern drawl and close one eye, keeping the other eye open as wide as it'll go. When they've seated all of the jurors in the courtroom and start talking about the selection process, stand up and interject with something like, "When you figure we gon' hang dat sumbitch? I knows hows to smell a criminal, and he be guilty." (keep that eye closed and lean forward, pointing your finger at the magistrate like she'll be the one placing the noose around the neck)

BeachBum said...

Fortunately, I'm already done. They needed 7 people for a civil trial and I was number 33. Didn't even come close.

I do like your idea, though. And it made me wonder if showing up like a pirate would have any effect. I'd get a pegleg, parrot, eyepatch, the works. I would even put pirate down as my employment.

I could say shit like 'Let's fry 'im up! I miss the smell of burning flesh'. Maybe next time.