Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Tinky Winky Learns About Death

I have just learned that the kind, patient, and tolerant Reverend Doctor Jerry Falwell has passed on to his glorious afterlife (am I the only one that thought it was amusing he died in Lynchburg?). Not sure what the cause of death was, but I'm willing to bet Twinkies were involved.

Oh, man, forgive me! Was it Doctor Reverend? Whichever. Either way the world is now down one self serving, egotistical, hypocritical, supposed 'Man of God'. Falwell is a prime...oh, sorry, again....WAS a prime example of everything that is wrong with our country. Someone who cloaks his bigotry, prejudice and hatred in a robe of morality and holiness.

But, you know what? His death is making me reconsider my beliefs. If he could be tolerant, forgiving, and patient, than so can I. As of now, I'm carrying on everything Falwell stood for. I just need to figure out what those things are and my plan will be complete. Below are some quotes directly from Falwell's mouth that should help me find my way.

'There's been a concerted effort to steal Christmas'

No longer! This year I am sworn protector of Christmas. It's not going anywhere.

'That is the way politicians talk. They all use intimidation and political strong-arming to hopefully pick up a vote or two'

Right you are, Mr. Dr. Rev. I promise you I will not use intimidation to pick up any votes during my Presidential run. I may smack a few people around, but no intimidation. Promise!

'A mighty oak has fallen in God's forest'

Uh. Ok, if you say so. I'll get my chainsaw. Does God have an outlet? Mine is electric.

'Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them'

I would add 'or paying for them', but I see his point

'AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals' know what, I'm just going to ignore this one. He might have been coked up when he said this. Mulligan for Falwell. Ok? OK, great. Let's just move on. Quickly now.

'Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America'

Yes!! This is more like it and he's totally right. I saw Graham serving Satan eggs for breakfast one morning. I swear.

'If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being'

Hey! What the fuck, man? I'm not a born again. You calling me a failure as a human being? Most born agains I've known are just substituting religion for other addictive behaviors. God is their new addiction if you will. The fact that I'm a failure as a human being has no relation to my religious beliefs. I'm just a dick.

'Textbooks are Soviet propaganda'

I have no idea what he means by this, but I'll be against textbooks, too. They're so friggin' expensive these days and have all sorts of typos and shit in them.

'It appears that America's anti-Biblical feminist movement is at last dying, thank God, and is possibly being replaced by a Christ-centered men's movement which may become the foundation for a desperately needed national spiritual awakening'

Christ centered men's movement? I thought he was against homosexuality. Does this explain Bush's Presidency? I'm leaning towards yes. And I am afraid. Very afraid.

'homosexuals are] brute beasts...part of a vile and satanic system [that] will be utterly annihilated, and there will be a celebration in heaven'

Whoa, this is way off! Most homosexuals I know are nowhere close to being brutes. In fact, they're rather effeminate in their mannerisms and are fantastic dressers. They tend to be neat and use lots of hair gel, too.

'I really believe that the pagan, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen'

OK, this experiment is over. Falwell was referring to the events of 9/11 with the above quote. Once again confirming his insanity to the world.

He once even disagreed with Dr. Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr's stand on civil rights. I think Falwell was just jealous that King had more titles in his name.

But, wait, that's not the end of it, as Falwell led a productive, isolationist existence. He once called Rev Desmond Tutu 'a phony'. That phony wound up winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Falwell also disagreed with the end of apartheid, thought public schools should be eliminated so churches could teach the country's children, founded the ironically named Moral Majority organization, and thought the Teletubby Tinky Winky was a covert homosexual symbol. Man, those were the days.

He also sued Larry Flynt for a fake advertisement published in Hustler Magazine that quoted Falwell as saying his first sexual encounter was a drunken night with his own mother. Setting off a First Amendment court trial and me into fits of laughter everytime I think of it.

Since this is a Falwell tribute, I will allow him the last word. Goodbye Mister Doctor Reverend Falwell. Sadly, there will be plenty of followers to fill your shoes.

'Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions'

Today's distraction: Take a few minutes and read how you can get spiritual help from Jerry Falwell Ministries. Ran across this line: 'To become a true Christian believer, you must come to know Jesus Christ. This involves a personal encounter with Christ'. Does this mean Christ has to make personal appearances? Man, he's gotta be beat. I bet he didn't see that in his contract or he would have bailed with Mary. Poor guy.

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