Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Kobe or Not Kobe

In the never ending battle for who can be the biggest, active douchebag in sports, Kobe Bryant has vaulted himself into a huge lead; leaving Barry Bonds - who has been curiously quiet and well mannered as he approaches 756 - in his dust.

Bryant is unhappy with the current state of his Laker team and the lack of moves or lack of not making non-moves they have made or not made the last few years. Confused? So are Laker fans, who remember vividly the Colorado rape case, Kobe throwing Shaq under the multiple buses during a police interrogation and the subsequent friction between his enormous ego and Phil Jackson that caused Jackson (winner of nine, that's right, NINE titles) to walk away in disgust.

They remember it, in fact, as vividly as if it happened about three years ago. Just after they got swept by the Pistons in the Finals and Kobe whored himself around the league to up the Laker's paycheck for his services. Wait, it was just three years ago? How time flies.

A couple of weeks back Bryant was interviewed by the soft spoken Stephen A. Smith and admitted he wanted a trade, since he wanted to win more than anything and he was frustrated by the lack of activity by the Lakers to get them to the top. You know like paying out the nose for a me first guard at the expense of being able to afford any other star players. Those kind of moves.

But, wait. Kobe didn't mean that at all. After having an 'emotional' conversation with Phil Jackson (who somehow decided to come back and coach this dickwad), he recanted his trade demand and announced that it was just 'hard' for him to see his beloved Laker team having so much trouble. I mean, what the hell, if they would just do what he said, they'd be better off and be winning again.

But, wait again. Turns out Guru Jackson only convinced Kobe for so long, because Kobe just posted on his website that he really does want to be traded. Yes, he still loves the Lakers and their fans, but the one thing he 'won't sacrifice is WINNING'. The caps are all his.

Earth to Kobe, earth to Kobe, you in fact did sacrifice winning three years ago. Remember that big guy you used to play with? The one that went to Miami and won another title with Dwayne Wade? 'Member him? If I remember correctly (and I do), he was traded out of town per your request. I know, I know you and Buss say that wasn't the case, but we all know the truth. You wanted to have your own team and that could never happen with Shaq and his charismatic shadow blocking your sun at every turn. He had to go.

Remember going to the Clippers and making a big show of how they were courting you around town? Remember how it was right in the Laker's own back yard and you used the idea of watching you play in the same building in another uniform their worst nightmare? Remember how it scared the Laker's into opening up the vault for you? That was fun. And nice work, by the way. Any other, less media savvy player wouldn't have thought of that. But you know which buttons to push.

Just like the buttons you're pushing now. You want out of the huge mess you created in LakerLand and you want out now. The problem is you also want to be loved and adored by all the fans you're about to fuck over for your own personal gratification. It's not enough you get what you want, you want your adoring public to want that for you, too.

Well, guess want, Kobe. Fans aren't as stupid as you think. They see through your 'I love the Lakers' charade. They know you're just spinning your demands into something noble and pure; playing the 'I just want to win' card on every hand.

Problem is if you really did 'just want to win' then you never would have sent Shaq packing. You would have realized you needed him. You would have never made the Lakers pay you that much money knowing it would limit what movement they could make over the next few years. You want to just win? Fine. Have the Lakers rip up your current contract and renegotiate a new one that pays you less and gives the team more flexibility. You want Jason Kidd on your team? You want Kevin Garnett on your team? Then it's time to put your money where your mouth is.

But we both know that will never happen. Because we both know what kind of person, player, man you really are. One that is selfish, condescending and thinks the world should bend to his will.

You, Kobe Bryant, are nothing but a spoiled brat with unlimited ability and cash and severely limited intelligence and common sense.

Still, if it makes you feel better to place the blame on everyone else, that's your prerogative. It's becoming clear you have some sort of personality disorder that prevents you from taking any responsibility for your own actions or having any semblance of reality based logic. Keep telling yourself that you are unique and deserve special treatment. Keep telling yourself that you are just an ultra competetive athlete that craves - no - needs to win. Keep telling yourself that your fans (the same ones you made shell out another $200 for a Kobe jersey when you inexplicably changed numbers, by the way) will understand why you are doing this.

Keep telling yourself all of that. Soon you'll be the only one listening.

Today's distraction: Visit and voice your thoughts on Kobe's website. He does a great job showing what a nice guy he is by visiting the Boys and Girls Clubs. Of course he has cameras everywhere to document his niceness. What a tool.

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