Friday, December 21, 2007

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

I'm desperately trying to get into the holiday spirit, but it's tough with everyone acting like complete dickweeds. Why does the holiday season bring out the worst in people? They're rude, inconsiderate and selfish. But, hey, they need to get their spoiled 5 year old daughter that new Bratz doll so it's all in the name of giving.

Jesus must be so proud this is how we celebrate his birth. He might be even more proud if we celebrated it on his actual day of birth. Some time in September, is the best guess. Think that made him a Leo.

Anyway, my naughty and nice list for the year.

Naughty: Virginia Tech/Mall shooters. Perfect gift - roasting slowly over an open flame for eternity.

Nice: CNN for their tribute to all the victims of the VT killer. Perfect gift - highest ratings of the year.

Naughty: The Spears sisters, Britney and Jamie Lynn. Perfect gift - intense rehab for Britney. Condoms and lessons on how to use them for Jamie Lynn and her boyfriend. Quick question: will any charges be filed against the boyfriend since he's 18 and she's 16? Isn't that statutory rape? Whoops, look what just came out! Guess his perfect gift will be soap on a rope. You know, so he doesn't drop it in the shower.

Nice: Firefighters who worked tirelessly to put out those California wild fires. In fact, firefighters every where. Perfect gift - enough funding to get them the best equipment.

Naughty: Lisa Nowak, our astronaut friend who drove 18 hours in an attempt to kill a romantic rival. Perfect gift - lifetime supply of Depends.

Nice: American voters who voiced their displeasure with the Bush administration by handing control of the House and Congress to Democrats. Perfect gift - quality candidates to choose from (still waiting).

Naughty: The Democratic party who still wilted when confronted by Bush. Perfect gift - testosterone injections in an attempt to grow some balls.

Nice: Barry Bonds (I know!) who showed rare class and dignity while breaking the all time home run record. Perfect gift - public good will.

Naughty: Barry Bonds. Indicted on perjury charges and still he won't admit to doing anything wrong. Perfect gift - integrity.

Nice: Josh Beckett. Putting together a kick ass regular season, then trumping that with a stellar postseason to lead the Red Sox to the title. Perfect gift - Johan Santana as his rotation mate.

Naughty: Minnesota bridge inspectors who somehow missed major structural compromises that resulted in the death of 13 people. Perfect gift - increase in state budget so they can hire more help.

Nice: Larry Craig for providing us the most entertaining story of the year. Perfect gift - his and his matching stalls.

Naughty: Michael Vick. Perfect gift - cat.

Nice: Karl Rove for finally going away. Perfect gift - immunity from upcoming obstruction of justice charges.

Naughty: Alberto Gonzalez for repeatedly remembering who ordered the firing of several attorneys in his own office. Perfect gift - The BrainMaster.

Nice: Apple for providing the public with a cool, smaller new iPod and THE gadget to have this year, the iPhone. Perfect gift - billions in sales.

Naughty: JD Drew who slogged through the first year of his massive contract with the Red Sox. Perfect gift - a huge hit in the playoffs with the bases loaded to eliminate all those negative vibes. Wait....

Nice: John Henry, Larry Luccino, Theo Epstein, Terry Francona, etc for providing Red Sox nation another World Series trophy. Perfect gift - permission to build a new ballpark and move out of cramped, useless, cost ineffective Fenway Park.

Naughty: Mattel who had to recall thousands of toys that were made in China due to lead paint and other dangerous flaws. Perfect gift - factory in United States with built in quality control department.

Nice: Tom Brady for taking the high road when it was apparent to everyone his ex-girlfriend pulled a fast one (and her diaphragm out) on him. Perfect gift - several top notch receivers and a fourth Super Bowl ring. Oh, and a super model new girlfriend.

Naughty: Alec Baldwin for leaving a nasty voice mail for his young daughter and being stupid enough to think his bitter ex-wife wouldn't make it public. Perfect gift - having to deal with Tina Fey on a regular basis.

Nice: Bobby Brown if only for proving he's the sane one in his marriage. Perfect gift - already got it in the form of a divorce from Whitney Houston.

Naughty: Don Imus for attempting humor and failing miserably. This is no way refers to the Rutgers women's basketball team, by the way. Perfect gift - being trampled to death by his own horse.

Nice: Jordan's Furniture for making good on a deal to give out free furniture if the Red Sox won the World Series. Perfect gift - free publicity and returning customers.

Naughty: Thomas Finneran, who pleaded guilty to obstruction of justice charges after redistricting Boston's political areas. Perfect gift - public humiliation and a seldom listened to talk radio program.

Nice: Wes Welker for being a fantasy stud for my team and keeping my wife interested in Patriot games. Perfect gift - weekend with Tom Brady's girlfriend.

Naughty: TJX Corporation 'losing' a few hundred million credit card numbers. Perfect gift - new head of IT security.

Nice: Mother Nature for providing Boston one of the nicest summers in recent memory. Not too hot, little rain. Perfect gift - our undying gratitude.

Naughty: Mother Nature for dumping more snow, sleet, ice and rain on Boston during the month of December than we've had in the past 2 years. Bitch! Perfect gift - major attitude adjustment in the form of torrid sexual affair with Zeus.

Nice: All my loyal readers who have put up with my inane, juvenile, misinformed, illogical ramblings. Perfect gift - cash payments; but since I'm broke you'll have to settle for another year of this blog. Suckers!

I'm off next week, but will post if anything strikes me as worth while.

Until next year!

Today's distraction: Find out if you're Naughty or Nice. I wound up with a Naughty rating, which isn't surprising at all.


lucy said...

i love this. so much.

thanks for cheering me up.


BeachBum said...

Glad to be of service. Keep smiling!

lucy said...

Nice: All my loyal readers who have put up with my inane, juvenile, misinformed, illogical ramblings. Perfect gift - cash payments; but since I'm broke you'll have to settle for another year of this blog. Suckers!

i look forward to it, and grant you the same from me.