Thursday, January 3, 2008

Goals and Predictions

*Deep breath*

Let's try this again.

Happy New Year, everyone! Hope you all enjoyed your parties and hangovers. Wishing you well for 2008 and hope all you achieve all your goals!

Yeah...see? It just isn't me. I try, but it comes off as insincere and creepy. Like I've been over medicated with anti depressants or lobotomized (in a bad way).

Instead here are some of my own lazy goals and random predictions for the new year.

Goal: To become an expert Wii player in preparation for the 2012 Olympics.

Prediction: Considering I can't reach par in Wii Sports Golf and Wii probably won't be an official Olympic sport until 2016, the odds aren't good. Plus I'm developing what can only be called 'Wii shoulder'. Rehab, then more practice.

Prediction: Patriots will not win the Super Bowl this year. One of my rules of thumb is every streak comes to an ugly end eventually. Considering that the Pats will have to play the Colts, Steelers or Jaguars before they even reach the Super Bowl, it's going to be a tough road for them. Now consider they've played two of those teams already and the third is the worst possible matchup for them. Not looking good.

Goal: To make a prediction that the Patriots won't win the Super Bowl, thus insuring they win the Super Bowl. 16-0 ain't shit if they don't win the entire thing.

Goal: Try to find the good in everyone. Including drunken, sloppy, whorish celebrities.

Prediction: Britney Spears turns out to be the normal one in her family.

Goal: Snagging a six figure job with hard work and dedication.

Prediction: The only way I see six figures is by combining five years of my current salary.

Goal: Speaking my mind. No longer will I hold my tongue when I witness a rude or inconsiderate act.

Prediction: At least two emergency room visits and possible jail time by April.

Goal: To start watching at least two television shows I normally wouldn't.

Prediction: Addiction to 'Project Runway' and 'Private Practice' ruins my life.

Goal: Leading by example, especially when it comes to my boys.

Prediction: Multiple calls from the teacher about my seven year old inappropriately touching girls in his class.

Goal: Getting the romance back into my marriage.

Prediction: Sending flowers to a gorgeous 24 year old, resulting in my marriage crumbling and me living out of my truck on a street corner in Chinatown. Again.

Goal: Less chat. More chit.

Prediction: Becoming a social pariah in my office. Again.

Goal: Inventing a device that makes life easier for all mankind.

Prediction: Being overcome with frustration when it becomes apparent nobody would use a wire hanger with a welder's attachment. Other than me.

Goal: Inventing a new catch phrase that takes popular culture by storm and makes me a household name.

Prediction: While 'cuntastic' doesn't catch on, it does make me a household name in a completely unexpected way.

Goal: Read more books.

Prediction: My summer being buoyed by the grand revelation that the cute, little train really can do it.

Goal: Increasing my empathy towards people with disabilities.

Prediction: Still giggling when Dick Clark slurs his way through another 'New Year's Rocking Eve'.

Goal: Keeping up to date with the latest teen pop bands.

Prediction: I still miss the perplexing 'Jonas Brothers' craze. This isn't a bad thing.

Goal: Recommitting to and refocusing my Presidential run.

Prediction: Sensing the threat, all the other candidates block me from attending the debates, hitting the campaign trail and actually showing up on the ballot.

Goal: To post at least one entry a day for this entire year. That's right 365 entries. This in turn propels me into a web sensation that shows no sign of slowing down.

Prediction: Wait...what day is it? Well, that's just fucking cuntastic!!

Today's distraction: Some celebrity predictions from 2007. Love that one predicts Britney will have no trouble 'singing her way back to the top'. Good call on that one.

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