Friday, January 18, 2008

Peyton Manning - ACTOR!

Considering how many commercial Peyton Manning has done (my wife not-so-lovingly refers to him as the 'Ad Whore'), it is well past time to rate his finest performances. I know I'm going to miss some, so feel free to point out any misses.

I just realized my biggest problem is going to be identifying which product he's pimping. I know the ads, but not sure what the hell it is he's trying to sell. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of having him in the commercials?

In no particular order -

The Fan Ads: I think this was for MasterCard. It's where he goes around cheering for people doing every day jobs. Getting high fives from Stan in accounting, chanting the cook's name in a small diner, cheering on a coffee shop employee.

VERDICT: His best work. I'm convinced his performances in these are what paved the way for his over exposure. Still, these are highly entertaining. Too bad they don't show them anymore. 'Cut that meat! Cut that meat!'

DirecTV: There are several different ones for the Sunday Ticket. One he is in a game and starts talking to the viewers. Another he comes home to find his father in the backyard with Matt Leinart.

VERDICT: I liked the one with Leinart better, which was made more entertaining by the doofus look Eli displayed throughout. Do you think Peyton required Eli in some of these ads? 'Look, my brother wants to get some exposure. Can we throw him into these spots? He won't talk, just stand there.'

SportsCenter: Case in point. Eli, Peyton and their parents are taking a tour of the ESPN studios. Eli and Peyton are lagging behind and acting like 12 year old boys; exchanging wet willies and pushing each other into walls.

VERDICT: Slightly amusing the first time I saw this, but after it's 1,947,368 airing I was ready to ram my head through the screen.

????: Not sure what he was selling here, but he was wearing a wig and fake mustache while talking about some phone. This may have been Sprint as he's done stuff for them before. It's basically him being a fan of himself.

VERDICT: This was a good one. He was funny and creepy at the same time. Just like every real Manning fan out there.

Gatorade: The one where he gives a lesson on how to throw a perfect pass. Step 1: Wipe the windshield. Step 2: Elbow your brother. Step 3: Flick the booger from your finger.

VERDICT: This is one of my favorites. The booger line is great, but what makes it is Peyton watching his own pass and ending things with 'Ooo, that's pretty'. Good stuff.

Pep Talks: I think these are MasterCard commercials, too. They're titled 'Another Priceless Pep Talk With Peyton.' He talks to the camera about balding, gaining weight and driving a minivan.

VERDICT: Queer. Seriously, putting flames on a minivan isn't cool, it's just dorky, Peyton. Maybe that's the point, but these ads seem like they're trying too hard.

Peyton's Mind: Sprint again (I think). He's in what looks like a hotel hallway with some mammoth defensive end running at him. He looks in one door and finds Marvin Harrison swimming in pool being circled by sharks. There's a little boy that's behind him who whispers 'Clark'.

VERDICT: Um, what exactly is this trying to sell? It's a bit nightmarish and disturbing. I always thought the point of an advertisement was to make people remember your product. I have no idea what this is for or what the point of it was. Nice work!

Double Stuff Oreos: Again with Eli and his father, Archie. This time Eli has a few lines. He and Peyton are at a press conference announcing they are becoming two sport athletes and joining some new league. Cut to the two brothers in an empty stadium licking Double Stuff Oreos like crazy.

VERDICT: The bottom of the barrel. I'll leave out the stupid shots of Archie Manning shaking his head in disgust and the stiff dorkiness of Eli. What really got me was Peyton looking up from his Oreo licking training session and having cream on his chin like he just got a facial from his homosexual lover. Not only has it made me disgusted with all the Mannings, but I don't think I'll ever be eating an Oreo again.

That's all I got. Just thinking of that stupid cookie commercial is making me queasy.

Enjoy your weekends and Go PATS!!!

Today's distraction: The 10 best athlete commercials according to The Sons of Sam Malone. Totally agree with number one. Still one of the best ad spots of all time. By the way, the one with all the 86 Celtics was something Bill Walton mentioned during one of Simmons' podcasts. Turns out they did that ad for the condition that anyone of them and their families could eat there for free.

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