Thursday, February 7, 2008

Enough Already!

If there is one certain thing in this world, it's that studios will scramble to cash in on any successful movies. Granted not all forms of cashing in mean there will be sequels involved. For example, we'll probably never see a 'Sixth Sense 2', but we'll get 'Stir of Echoes' and 'The Others' or shows like 'Medium' and 'Ghost Whisperer' which cash in on the premise.

I was unpleasantly reminded of this when I attempted to sit through 'Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles' on Fox. It's not that it's terrible, it just comes off as a low budget version of the original 'Terminator'. And that was low budget itself, so you can see the problem.

Just because the studios will attempt to milk as much money from an idea or film doesn't mean they should. Here are some of the worst or unnecessary continuations ever conceived. I'm doing this off the top of my head and I'm only including movies or shows I actually saw with my own horrified eyes, so I'm sure I'm going to miss some.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest/At World's End: I'm including these together since they were basically filmed at the same time and both helped desecrate the memory of the unexpectedly funny original. Confusing, loud and - worst of all - not funny!

Delta House: Most of you are too young to remember this, but ABC actually tried to take 'Animal House' and turn it into a television series starring the guy that played Otter and including Bluto's brother, Bloto (no, really!), as a main character. They also made the genius decision to sanitize the college frathouse party life and make it family friendly. I don't need to tell you how this turned out.

Eddie and the Cruisers 2 - Eddie Lives!: This one still amazes me because it was not made because the original Eddie and the Cruisers was a hit, but because John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band turned the soundtrack to the original into a huge hit on the music charts. Let's consider the ways this one went south: It was a sequel to a movie not many people saw in the first place, they made it hoping to cash in on the music, it starred Michael Pare - one of the worst actors of any generation, and...oh yeah...fucking gives away the entire plot in the title. See, Eddie died in the first movie, but we can all see what happened in the second movie. The exclamation point at the end was supposed to make it exciting. I guess.

Caddyshack 2: The shining jewel in the horrible sequel crown. Believe it or not, I watched this thing all the way through in stunned horror. Not only did I not laugh once, not only is Chevy Chase the only original cast member to make an appearance (and he's in it for barely 10 minutes), but Dan Ackroyd so completely rips off Bill Murray's grounds keeper act that even I was offended. If they were friends before this came out, I can't imagine them being friends afterwards. The only positive thing that can be said about this movie is that it ended the careers of Jackie Mason and Dyan Cannon once and for all.

Meet The Fockers: This is still the only movie that actually pissed me off while I was watching it. I enjoyed 'Meet The Parents' and the concept of Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand playing Ben Stiller's hippy parents certainly sounds funny. Unfortunately, this continued the process of Robert DeNiro selling his artistic legacy to the highest bidder. It comes off as being one of those sequels that had the original cast together for a limited amount of time which forced them to scramble and forget to put stuff together. Like writing a script or being funny. Stuff like that. I didn't even pay for this and I feel cheated.

Analyze That: Hey, another crappy sequel starring Robert DeNiro. You would expect one involving Billy Crystal (see below), but DeNiro should know better. He going to be making 'Taxi Driver 2' soon, too?

City Slickers 2 - The Legend of Curley's Gold: Yeah, they made a sequel to the already lame original about three whiny middle aged men going through menopause. Or something. The trick with this one was somehow resurrecting the one good thing about the first one. Namely Jack Palance (who won an Oscar). Unfortunately, Palance's character died in the first one so the ingenious plot behind this one involved....wait for it.....his twin brother and his attempt...oh who cares. Let's just move on.

Dumb and Dumberer - When Harry Met Lloyd: Just read that title again and keep in mind that not even the Farrelly brothers or Jeff Daniels would come anywhere near this.

AfterMASH: Technically this was trying to cash in on the 'MASH' television show, but since that was based on a movie, I'm including it. This was CBS' attempt to keep their cash cow and signature television series afloat after the original 'MASH' went off the air. It was built around Radar, Jamie Farr and Harry Morgan's characters working in a regular hospital in - I think - Toledo, Ohio of all places. I might be wrong about that, but I'm not wrong in remembering this didn't last a full season.

The Next Karate Kid: Mr. Myagi is back, but he couldn't get any other boys to join his 'karate training camp' (otherwise known as being his slave) so he had to settle for Hilary Swank. You know what? I don't think I need to go further than that.

Teen Wolf 2: I'm embarrased to admit I watched this entire movie. I was a big fan of the first and kept thinking this would get better. After a while I was just stuck. I couldn't turn away or shut it off. Michael J Fox doesn't return (unsurprisingly) but we're lucky enough to get Jason Bateman back before he learned how to act or be funny in any conceivable way. Oh, and he doesn't play basketball, he boxes. In college. Yeah, a college boxing league, which - while I'm no expert - I'm fairly sure doesn't exist in any known universe. Even one that has kids turning into cuddly werewolves. If you wondering why Bateman had trouble getting work until 'Arrested Development' look no further.

Bad Boys 2: I'm not even sure how this got made in the first place. Did the original make that much money? Is it because Will Smith agreed to be in it? Whatever the reason, this ridiculousness is the worst of Micheal Bay's many bad movies. Believe me, that saying a LOT!

Jaws - The Revenge: The third one was bad enough, but at least that shark didn't have some sort of bizarre radar so it could attack only members of a certain family. The thing even swims down to the Bahamas after Chief Brody's wife. No, seriously! See, this shark is pissed that Brody killed it's mother or father or something and is taking revenge on the remaining family members. It's so pissed it swims thousands of miles to waters it couldn't possibly survive in and finds where Brody's wife (who, by the way, flew down in an airplane!) is staying. Keep in mind this was made before GPS. Shockingly, Michael Caine stars in this. I can only assume he was supporting some drug habit. This is still, by far, the worst movie I ever paid to see.

Today's distraction: Check out the upcoming sequels in production. I noticed an 'Austin Powers 4' as well as a new 'Ace Ventura'. I couldn't get details on whether Jim Carrey was involved.


Jim Hammen said...

Don't forget Home Alone 3. That was an abortion of a movie.

I've been waiting for another Austin Powers movie forever! Those will always be funny....I hope.

BeachBum said...

I forgot about that one. I only made it about 20 minutes into it, though. Which was 20 minutes longer than the rest of the world.

One thing I forgot about 'Jaws: The Revenge': When it was released it's hook was that there were four different endings to it. So, you could go pay and see this thing four times and see four different movies.

Problem was none of the four endings involved the entire cast and crew being eaten alive by the robot shark and all of them sucked donkey balls.

daniel vincent john said...

The Next Karate Kid never happened. As one that lists the Karate Kid as his all time favorite movie, am always sarcastically asked by others if I enjoy the "Next Karate Kid" as well. Never happened. Furthermore, reports are indicating that Will Smith is going to direct a remake of the Karate Kid. Hopefully these reports are false.

ThePowerOf10 said...

Here's a couple lesser-known titles that got undeserved sequels ...
1.) Cruel Intentions. The first was good, but how is there even a sequel available? Ryan Phillippee died, Sarah Michelle Gellar got exposed, Reese Witherspoon got the cool car - end of story!

2.) The Skulls. Not sure if you've seen it, but it's bad. In a nutshell, it's a movie about secret societies and all that nonsense. Subsequently, there have been not one but two sequels made, both with the EXACT same storyline, just different "actors." And yes, I put actors in quotes because no one in those movies can act.