Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Future Growth

I'll be taking next week off from work to focus on family life. You'll notice I didn't phrase this as 'I'm taking a vacation'. I've learned by now that time off from work isn't any more relaxing since my boys will still have my up at 7am and I have a list of chores the length of my arm to finish before the end of my 'break'.

These items include painting the bedroom, attempting (and most likely failing) to fix the upstairs shower (it leaks into the kitchen ceiling every time it is used), getting the dog groomed, haircuts for me and the boys, and drinking unhealthy amounts of barley and hops in liquid form.

But my most important project is growing some sort of facial hair. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I always undertake one idiot, slightly demented project during my time off. Last year it was attempting to go all week without brushing my hair. The only sure thing is that Friday morning will be the last time I shave for at least 10 days.

I grew a full beard once a long time ago and it drove me crazy. It was itchy and a bit uncomfortable and grew in red. I used to have red hair as a child and the beard took on that same color. There is also a very good chance there will be a bunch of gray hairs included in this new growth, which is fine. I'm not nearly vain enough to care. If you ever saw me, you'd know I have more important things to worry about than gray hair. Like age and fitness and beauty and hygiene.

The question is what to do with it.

Here are some options.

The Grizzly Adams

Pros: Very little maintenance involved. Just let it grow. Will hide my natural 'beauty' and keep me warm until spring
Cons: Could come off looking like an escaped mental patient.

Douchebag Factor: High. Think Unabomber or some naturalist nut job living in a secluded log cabin with more artillery than Libya.

The Well Groomed

Pros: Of all the full beards, this one usually looks the best.

Cons: High maintenance.

Douchebag Factor: Unknown. Depending on how it grows in I could look like this (with better physique):

Or either of these two:

The Half Grown or Stubble

Pros: Not too hard to take care of if you have the proper equipment.

Cons: It's no longer 1984 and I don't have the proper equipment.

Douchebag Factor: Medium to High. Some guys can pull it off, but on me it would announce that I'm either a pompous ass, gay, a heroin addict or a pompous, gay heroin addict.

The Religious Zealot

Pros: People, thinking I could be a suicide bomber, will give me wide berth in the streets. Especially if I wear a white turban and randomly shout things about Allah.

Cons: Random attacks from people who don't like suicide bomber (I'm guessing there are a lot of them); full body cavity searches every time I go through airport security.

Douchebag Factor: Through the roof.

The Artsy Fartsy

Pros: It won't promise anything, but it will get you noticed by the girls.

Cons: Of course, that could be because it's on Johnny Depp's chin and not mine.

Douchbag Factor: Medium to High depending on how creative you get with it.

The Groomed Goatee

Pros: Fairly easy to grow and keep up.

Cons: Will blend in with the crowd.

Douchebag Factor: Low. May bounce to medium if I go stubble goatee, but that won't happen once it's gown in.

The LumberJack Goatee

Pros: Increases menace factor, which will come in handy at work.
Cons: Baby birds living in it by spring.
Douchebag Factor: Medium. Look I know he plays for the Sox, but that doesn't mean I don't think he comes off looking socially stunted with that mess hanging from his face.

The Sculpted

Pros: Can't think of a single one.
Cons: Would have to hire someone to maintain it for me.

Douchebag Factor: Not as high as 'Religious Zealot' but pretty damn high. Would definitely give off a 'I'm with the new boy band' vibe.

The Soul Patch

Pros: I imagine this would be a piece of cake to take care of.

Cons: I would have a soul patch
Douchebag Factor: Medium as long as I were a stoned poet or stoned college student or anyone that spent a lot of time stoned.

Thick Sideburns

Pros: It would keep food and snot from getting stuck in my facial hair.
Cons: I would guess they're just as itchy as a regular beard.

Douchebag Factor: Since I'm not Wolverine or an Elvis Impersonator, very high. Even if you are an Elvis impersonator you look like an idiot. Hey, I'm just the messenger.

Thin Sideburns

Pros: Very little trimming to do on a daily basis
Cons: I don't live in the 90210 zip code.

Douchebag Factor: Pretty damn high. You remember these guys, right?

Also, I've already ruled out just a moustache. The only person who has ever pulled the off successfully is Tom Selleck (I'll give you Burt Reynolds if you want to push the limits) and believe me when I tell you I'm no Tom Selleck. I'll look like the child molester photo you see on the news.

I can also try any combination of the above. Like the stubble with full goatee, but that's just going over board.

One step at a time.

Today's distraction: Some bizarre facial hair. No worries, I'm not heading in any of these directions. Although dying it green on March 17th has already entered my disturbed, little brain.


Jim Hammen said...

I am the proud owner of the chin scruff, or as my old roommate called it, the Scruff McGruff. I have kept it that way for like 7 years, alternating between that and a trimmed beard, which may be coming back, since March Madness will be starting soon. Good luck on your facial hair journey.

BeachBum said...

That's like the goatee without the 'stach, correct? I might consider that, too, but if I go that route I'm growing it for years and not cutting it. So I can braid it and pretend it's religiously symbolic. The Festivus Beard, if you will.

Thanks for the support. Will keep you up to date.