Thursday, March 6, 2008

Bladder Control

I nearly experienced a life altering, traumatic episode last night.

Things started off well enough. I met a couple of friends for beer, buffalo wings, actual ranch dressing (as opposed to the creamy italian ranch dressing this place tried to shell off on us last time) served by most charismatic waiter this side of a block of wood. Actually, the other side of a block of wood is where his personality stood; most likely envious that block of wood could let loose at times.

After downing my four beers, we said our goodbyes and I jumped on my train. Two stops in a gentleman drew my attention by pulling one of the more annoying moves you can pull on a subway. He acted like he was getting off the train only to stand by the door and confuse everyone that was trying to get on. Two ladies stutter stepped and danced a bit trying to figure out what this guy was going to do. They finally just brushed past him while giving them that older woman exasperated glare.

Once the train started moving again, I looked more closely at Sir Douchebag. He was engrossed in his iPod and at first I thought he was watching a movie or something on it. On closer examination his iPod was one of those older Shuffles, which I'm fairly sure not only don't have video, but don't even have color. So, was he fully involved in watching the seconds tick off the song he was listening to?

I began wondering if the guy was borderline autistic when I noticed the baseball hat he was wearing. 'Division Champions' ran diagonally - down to up - with '07' next to that. Below and to the right was the Red Sox 'B'. This guy was wearing one of the least impressive hats from a World Series Championship team. Division Champs? Seriously? And he was wearing it in public? Does he have a Red Sox Wild Card Champion hat from 2004?

I can think of three situations I would have a hat like that:

1: My son bought if for me as a gift

2: It was free and my dog just shat on or chewed up my World Series hat

3: I was retarded

That's it. There is absolutely no other reason to be wearing or even being in possession of such a wimpy hat.

As I was considering the many ways this guy could have been a bigger loser, I realized I had to take a piss. Badly! Like an overpowering urge.

No worries, I have almost super human powers of control when it comes to holding it. I once had this same urge after a Pats game and held it all the way from parking lot in Foxboro through Boston in very slow moving traffic to my house. It wasn't comfortable - in fact it was downright painful after 30 minutes - but I did it.

Quick calculations came up with that same 30 minute time frame. I was nearing the Sullivan Square stop, which meant three more stops followed by a 15 minute walk. I might make it if the train doesn't have to wait for anything. Fortunately it didn't.

Have you ever tried to hold your pee while walking? It isn't easy and I decide I'm going to have to find a quiet, secluded spot to relieve myself. Love being a guy. I visualize my route and if I take a side street I know of a nice, wooded area with no houses around that will work perfectly.

Unfortunately, a new and quite alarming addition to my bladder issue arrives. Quite suddenly I have to take a shit. This isn't some 'maybe, in a few minutes' type of feeling, either. It's one of those 'OH! Where the fuck did this come from?!' To my dismay I realize there is no way I'm going to be able to relieve one of my problems without involuntarily relieving another.

My options - quickly now:

- Attempt to at least piss without shitting my pants. Odds of pulling this off successfully - nearly none.

- Pull a nature boy and just do both in that patch of woods. Odds of this - none. I dismiss it even as I consider it. I'm not homeless and that's just nasty.

- Knock on a strangers front door, explain my plight and ask to use their bathroom. Odds of my trying this - better than I thought. I seriously considered this for a few houses before I went with my last option.

- Suck it up and make for home. Keep in mind by this point in my decision making process I was experiencing painful cramps and a loudly protesting bladder. Estimated time to get home: 10 minutes.

There were a few moments during the rest of the walk I seriously didn't think I was going to make it. To top everything off, I live on a rather steep hill. The last few minutes of my walk involve climbing a hill that is quite literally a 45 degree incline. Have you ever climbed a hill while you were desperately holding both ends of your waste system in check? It ain't fucking easy!

By the time I turned the corner and caught sight of my house I had broken into a full sweat. I was in pain, still not sure I was going to make it and my iPod was turned up full volume to keep myself distracted. As I approached my house I removed my coat, belt and basically ran for the bathroom.

A question I've often debated with friends has been what feels better: having great sex or finally relieving yourself after holding it in for a long time? While I can't say I have a definitive answer, I do know that it all depends on circumstance.

Last night the answer was obvious.

Today's distraction: Some answers to the question 'Is it bad to hold urine for too long?'. Check out the first comment at the bottom (below the Best Answer). Some guys just have class.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"This isn't some 'maybe, in a few minutes' type of feeling, either. It's one of those 'OH! Where the fuck did this come from?!'"
-I'm glad I'm not the only person this happens to. Hilarious post, followed up by an even more hilarious link to Yahoo answers. "Just release it on some girl's face" is hereby my answer for everything.