Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Roomie Bastard!

Now that my ‘roomie’ has joined me in my office, I wanted to give you the rundown on how my life has become a living hell and, subsequently, how I am defending myself.

First things first, he seems like a nice guy. This is nothing personal against him. He seems just as annoyed at sharing an office as I.

That said, he seems to forget that he’s actually….you know…SHARING an office with somebody. Fear not. My arsenal of annoyances is going strong. The problem I’m fighting against is that he is just as annoying, only he’s unaware of that. He’s just being himself, which is frightening on a level I can’t hope to approach.

Attack: He is a loud talker. Like really loud. You know the type. Life time salesman who is used to booming his pitch over the phone to people that don’t care and are irritated he cold called them in the first place. I’m guessing this type of voice develops as a defense mechanism. A man can only take people hanging up on him so many times before he starts yelling to keep their attention.

Defense: My music. I started it off at the lowest volume the first few days, but I had to keep turning it up every time he got on the phone. I literally couldn’t hear it over his voice. It’s now back to normal levels, but I do turn it down a bit if he’s on the phone. I’ve also added new metal music that can be quite abrasive. I smile whenever one of those songs comes on.

Attack: He’s eating lunch in the office. This isn’t that big of a deal and he did ask if I minded the first time he brought food in to eat. But, he asked me while standing in the door, holding the Styrofoam container of food. What am I gonna say? Did I mention it was Mexican food?

Defense: I’ve been eating away from my desk now. He can have this place for an hour. It’s nice out and I can take walks down to the water. Later, dude!

Attack: His cell phone. This is my biggest complaint because he has it set to that old fashion rotary ring tone and it’s set to the highest volume. Every time someone calls it’s like I’m sitting in a phone booth with the door closed. What the fuck, man? Are you deaf? The phone is less than a foot from you at any given point in time. Unless you forget to bring it with you like an hour ago when it rang about 10 times before whoever was calling gave up or it went to voice mail. Four rings! The limit for that obnoxiousness should be a maximum of four rings before going to voice mail.

Defense: The men’s room toilet if this keeps up. No, really. I can’t take it much longer. Either that or I’m stealing the battery. Or beating him to death with it. Or cramming it up his ass. Or beating him to death then cramming it up his ass.

Attack: Technically this one isn’t his fault, but he’s the direct cause of it. My strange neighbor across the hall will come into the office and have 20 minute long conversation about NOTHING. This particular neighbor is a mumbling, legitimately weird fellow who has a sixth sense about when food is placed into the common area for anyone to pick at. He’s the type that will launch into a problem with work while you’re taking a piss at a urinal. By the way, the last time they did this was Monday when I was in the middle of a conference call. They were talking so loud I couldn’t hear a thing.

Defense: Conference call went on speaker phone and went to full volume. Enough of this shit! This was my office first and I am pissing all over it to mark my territory. Get the fuck OUT! What really enraged me was this neighbor has his own fucking office. You want to have a conversation, use your office which you don’t share with anyone. Allow me to repeat: GET THE FUCK OUT!

Attack: Personal talk. I had to listen to him argue with a bill collector in his loud voice for 20 minutes yesterday. Let’s face it, when you first start a new job there really isn’t a lot to do. So, he’s dealing with personal shit until he’s up to speed.

Defense: Took a walk. I don’t need to hear ‘WELL, I SENT IT TO YOU LAST MONTH, THEN YOU SENT IT BACK SO I THEN SENT IT TO HER!’ Lower the volume, man. Maybe he is deaf!

Attack: Since I’m the IT guy here at work, he thinks it’s fine to just launch random questions at me about his personal laptop or if he can have some piece of equipment that happens to be in my office. Like all this stuff is just extra and I have no use for it.

Defense: Typing away on entries like this, IMing people in the office constantly and answering all of my calls on speaker phone. This makes it seem like I’m super busy and have no time for his trivial bullshit. Plus there are times I ignore him completely and pretend I’m so absorbed in what I’m doing I didn’t hear what he was saying. In fact, right now he’s talking about me to someone on the phone thinking he’s funny and I’m just typing away. ‘La la la la, I can’t here yooooou!’

Attack: He is here all the time. Part of the agreement of sharing this office was that he would be off site a majority of the time. Oh, no. He’s been here every day except one. I’ll get to that day off in a minute.

Defense: I’m making as much noise, coming and going, moving equipment around as often as humanly possible. Unfortunately, this means I have to do work (or pretend, anyway). I’m also taking my shoes off. Ha! Smell this, roomie bastard!

Counter Attack: Roomie bastard actually locked me out of my own office twice in the past two days! I leave the office only to come back to find he’s in the office with the door closed and locked.

Counter Defense: I knock and make him get up to let me in even though I have my key.

Counter Counter Attack: When I knocked he yells ‘Come on in!’. Uh, yeah, numbnuts, the door is locked and I can’t come on in.

Counter Counter Defense: I make sure to push the door all the way open when I leave. I know it drives him insane, because it’s always at least half closed when I return. Which, of course means I push it open again when I enter. There are times I love my job!

Attack: Not only does he invade my space. Not only is he loud and obnoxious, but he came in the first day of work and tells me how sick he’s been. Well, that’s just fucking great. He was so sick on Thursday, he left at noon to go to the doctors and get a prescription. Friday was beautiful as I was all by myself.

Defense: I unleashed one of the nastiest farts that ever emanated from my bowels earlier today. Even I was repulsed by it. I stood my ground and he got up and left about 2 minutes after I let loose. I can only assume it was to vomit in the men’s room and search out a decontamination shower. If he’s going to make me sick, I’ll make him wish he were dead.

I realize this all seems juvenile and petty, but I’m taking no prisoners. Considering he commutes more than an hour and a half to get here, wouldn’t it make sense for him to work at home?

I say HELL YEAH and will do whatever it takes to persuade him to do just that.

Besides, juvenile and petty are what I do best. Just sticking with my strengths.

Today’s distraction: Take a quiz and find out what your ideal office weapon should be. Mine is a paperclip throwing star which brings out my ‘inner Ninja’. Love bringing out my inner Ninja. I really need to do that more often.


Hammen said...

Keep on keepin' on.

A Tribute: deer a train and basketball said...

A few suggestions for metal music: Pantera, Sepultura, and High on Fire. These 3 are sure to make anyone want to leave. Keep fighting the good fight, he will go down soon.

BeachBum said...

I've discovered Protest the Hero, Black Label Society and my old stand by - Black Sabbath. The bonus is it's good music that I enjoy.


Anonymous said...

One word, three letters: N.W.A. Nothing will make him more uncomfortable than listening to some hardcore gangsta rap at the office. Songs to be sure to include: "Fuck Tha Police," "A Bitch Is A Bitch," and "Just Don't Bite It." If those songs don't make him want to work at home, I don't know what will. Forget your "inner ninja," that's what I call getting your "Eazy E" on.

BeachBum said...

10, I do have NERD on my list. I especially like 'Rock Star' that starts off with 'Fuckin' Posers' shouted before the actual song kicks off.

I also play their song 'LapDance' which is just as dirty as it sounds.

Anonymous said...

I'm a fan of NERD. I have tickets to the Kanye West show coming to Minneapolis next month and NERD is on the undercard.

daniel vincent john said...

no one ever really dies.


enjoyed the read as many people can be annoying and the problem of being nice is not saying anything. am glad you are fighting back and perhaps mmmbop can be played several times.

BeachBum said...

Is that what NERD stands for? Wait, No one is two words. Shouldn't it be NOERD? Ah, man this band might be ruined for me now.

And sorry, I would kill myself if I heard 'mmmbop' and that would kind of make him the winner.