Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Top Five

I’ve resisted blogging about ‘American Idol’ for about 12 weeks now, but I can’t hold back any longer. I realize this will make two shows I’ve written about, but television is my life lately, so screw it.

If you aren’t familiar, there are only five contestants left. Also, if you aren’t familiar, then you will be soon because I’m about to run down all five of them! Right now! Please, contain your excitement.

For the record, this is the first season I’ve watched all the way through. I usually enjoy the try out shows because it means the judges get tortured by horrible singers and I can experience the idiocy, ignorance, and insanity of general public without actually interacting with them. Judging by these auditions, there are some truly fucked up people out there who have no friends or family courageous enough to stop them from walking out the door.

Pity for them. Score for us!

In past seasons, I’ve become bored with the actual competition. Once the circus of the auditions were over, I lost interest. Mainly because this isn’t music I enjoy listening to, but also because all the AI contestants are either too bland or try too hard to stand out from the crowd (read: flamboyant, annoying, obnoxious or any combo thereof).

Sadly, my seven year old got hooked on it this year and as a result, so did I. I’ve seen every single, stupid episode of this season and am sad to admit I’ve been sucked in. I’ve even entered an office pool (I was done when Michael Johns got voted off) and talk about it at lunch. I’m pathetic.

One other note before we get to the rundown. ‘American Idol’ is the perfect show for DVR. I can cruise through an hour show in 35 minutes. Easy. You listen to the performances and judges, then fast forward through the stupid Ford videos, commercials and anything involving Ryan Seacrest. It’s a beautiful thing.

Enough of that. Here is who’s left. In alphabetical order.


My Take: His rendition of ‘Imagine’ in the early rounds had me convinced he was the one to beat. He may still be, but I find him bland and repetitive now. All his songs sound exactly the same. Last night each contestant sang two Neil Diamond songs and at the end of the show they recapped the songs. If it weren’t for the band behind him, you would be hard pressed to tell which song was which during the highlights. He approaches every song the same way.

Nickname: Android

What the judges think: Considering Randy’s constant and undeserved praise, I’m pretty sure Archuleta’s either got incriminating photos of Randy wolfing down Arby’s or he’s blowing him before every show.

Paula thinks he a teddy bear and would listen to him ‘sing the phonebook’.

Simon is the only one who tells him he isn’t that great.

What he’s got going for him: The teenage girl vote.

Odds of Winning: 70%. Considering the majority of voters are teenage girls, it’s going to take a colossal choke job (get it? Blowing Randy? Choke job?) for him not to win this.


My Take: How in the hell did he make it to the top 5? Nevermind, I already know. He is cute and seems like a nice guy. Last night he nearly put me to sleep twice. Nice voice, but he needs to be singing lullabies or some romantic ballads. His ‘Forever in Blue Jeans’ cover was a disgrace. Can be effective if he picks the right song, but hasn’t done that very often. Was abysmal last night and has been for a few weeks now.

Nickname: Dread Head

What the judges think: Randy hasn’t liked him since day one and uses the phrase ‘I didn’t get it’ after nearly every song.

Paula wants to spend the night with him.

Simon want him to just go away already!

What he’s got going for him: His looks. It’s the only reason he’s still around.

Odd of winning: 0%. I’ll be shocked if he makes it past tonight.


My Take: The one guy that could knock Archuleta on his ass. Momentum has slowly been shifting his way every since his rendition of ‘Billie Jean’ (which was kick ass). The only one left that is versatile enough to sing any type of song. I was very impressed when he pulled off that Andrew Lloyd Webber song. Creative and energetic performances for the most part. Occasionally pompous and arrogant as the competition moved on and he realized how good he can be.

Nickname: Fix Your Hair!! Not what I call him, just what I think every time I see him.

What the judges think: Randy thinks he’s ‘Da Bomb!’

Last night Paula said ‘I feel like I’m looking at the winner right now!’ However, she also thought everyone had already sung two songs at one point last night, so we’ll take her views with a grain of salt. Or a snort of cocaine, if you will.

Simon thinks his song selection is ‘genius’.

What he’s got going for him: Creativity and versatility. Appears to be one of the two finalists that could potentially write their own material.

Odd of winning: 25% and climbing fast.


My Take: I had her written off as uninteresting and doomed about 5 weeks ago, but she kept hanging in there. Shockingly, she’s been the best of the bunch the last two shows. Suddenly sexy and confident, she’s also got the best natural voice left in the competition. Hard to say if she’s officially turned it around, but she’s brought much needed attention to herself at the best possible time.

Nickname: F.A. Stands for Friggin’ Adorable.

What the judges think: You would think Randy would be all over her, but he’s been luke warm, at best. He says things like ‘Well done’ and ‘good song choice’ but rarely gives her outright credit. Lends credence to my theory about something going on between him and Archuleta.

Paula is ‘so proud of her’. Or was that Cook? Wait, it was Archuleta. Actually it was probably all of the contestants at one point or another.

Simon is slowly coming around to her, which surprises me. He thought she was forgettable and boring before (which she was), but has been giving her credit lately.

What she’s got going for her: Pure talent with looks to match.

Odds of winning: 5%. She may be too late to gather the momentum from Cook, but she’s making a run.


My Take: Brooke is my favorite contestant left. I may actually be in love with her, but let’s keep that between us for now. Has the Sheryl Crowe, world weary voice going on which is sexy as hell. Does her best with singer-song writer material. Killed with her second Neil Diamond song last night, but may have burned herself with the ‘I’m a Believer’ performance. It was forced and uncomfortable. Still, she is personable, down to earth and, along with Cook, seems like she could write her own songs. Don’t be shocked if she becomes the most successful person from this season.

Nickname: 'Plaintiff' for when she takes a restraining order out against me.

What the judges think: Randy seems to like her ‘behind the piano’ which defeats the purpose of having her look the way she does. Stupid Randy.

Paula is ‘so proud of her’ then uttered something about MC Scat Cat before convulsing and dropping to the floor.

Simon called her ‘I’m a Believer’ a ‘nightmare!’ last night and I was shocked to find myself agreeing. It was horrible. She redeemed herself with her second song, but it might not be enough.

What she has going for her: Personality. She’s the only one left you can see being friends with.

Odds of winning: Nil. Along with Jason Castro, she has no chance at winning this thing. Sorry, darling.

If you’re keeping score at home, that means I have the top 3 looking like this:

Syesha Mercado
David Cook
David Archuleta

One of these two will be heading home tonight:

Jason Castro (please let it be him)
Brooke White

A month ago I couldn’t see Archuleta losing this thing, but Cook is making a solid case for himself. He just has the 11 – 13 year old teenage girl demographic surge to battle against.

If the success of Hannah Montana is any indication, the poor bastard doesn’t stand a chance.

Today’s distraction: Hysterically funny (or crushingly depressing - depending on your view point) web site dedicated to everything 'American Idol'. This Paula Abdul incident from last night might be the next Watergate from what I can tell. Let it go, people, let it go.


Hammen said...

American Idol? This is the sound of my respect level diminshing a little bit.

BeachBum said...

It's ok. My self respect dimished further than that. I'm still trying to come to terms with things.

Anonymous said...

As I started reading this post, I literally said out loud: "I don't think I can be this guy's internet friend anymore." Then I remembered that I used to DVR "America's Best Dance Crew," on MTV and I decided to let it slide ... For now.

BeachBum said...

I think you both see why I held off writing about this for so long.