Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Bloody Sock Syndrome

We’ve all been there. Or you who get your asses off the couch, anyway. We’re out playing basketball or working in the yard or moving a friend. Nothing seems out of the ordinary until you get home after an exhaustingly long day.

You take your sneakers or boots or shoes off when suddenly…’Oh…shit..’

Nothing feels wrong, yet your sock is soaked with blood. This happened to me yesterday when the bandage from my nasty blister somehow jarred loose and my sneaker wound up rubbing against the raw skin on my walk home. It didn’t hurt at all. In fact, I didn’t even know anything was wrong until I took my sneakers off.

It was minor, but launched a train of thought that led to the creation of my ‘Bloody Sock Syndrome’. It’s that ‘Oh shit!’ moment where something might be wrong but you’re not sure what or something is happening that you're convinced will end horribly. Ninety percent of the time there is nothing to be concerned about. Regardless, you get that fidgety worm of anxiety in the pit of your stomach; the start of that cold bubble of dread that spreads to your blood stream and gets the heart pumping a bit faster.

Here, in all their glory, are those moments in which you are most likely to experience Bloody Sock Syndrome.

Emergency Vehicles: This is the worst. When you turn onto your street and find police cars, ambulances, fire trucks or any combo thereof clustered in the general area of your house. The ultimate ‘Oh, shit’ moment of anyone’s life. You imagination runs wild with ‘Did somebody die?’, ‘Was there a fire?’, ‘Did someone kidnap my child?’, or any other worst case scenario. Usually it doesn’t even involve your own family, but a neighbor that over cooked the Jiffy Pop or forgot to disarm their own alarm system.

Broken Window: Either on your car or your house. With the car you can be pretty damn sure something’s been stolen, but with the house it could have been some stupid bird that decided to attack it’s own reflection or some kid who threw a rock through it. Damn kids! The first indicator of this is the glass on the ground. But BSS kicks in when you finally figure out that glass used to be intact and on something you own.

Bizarre Vehicle Sounds: Any strange sound that seems to be emanating from your car. This will include high pitched screeching or a disturbing grinding. Even a low grumble will do, but this can only qualify as BSS if one of the following conditions are in place:

1: You are in the middle of nowhere and miles from any man made source of light. Like the desert.

2: You are trying to get to a life altering event. Like a wedding in which you play a prominent part or funeral of a close friend or family member.

Most of the time the noises are street related. Like driving over a rumble strip you didn’t notice or a homeless person.

NOTE: Due to the invention and prevalence of cell phones, this one is occurring less and less frequently.

Near Car Accident: I’ve had more of these than I care to admit. There is that horrible moment of anticipation where you think ‘there is no way this is going to end well’ before both vehicles miraculously avoid each other. My most memorable came when I was in the passenger seat of a friend’s car. It was snowing out and we thought it would be fun to do donuts in the back parking lot of school. Admittedly it was fun, but during our last run my friend lost complete control. The car did a lazy half spin and slid towards a huge boulder by the side of the lot. We kept getting closer and closer; the boulder getting larger and larger in the passenger window while showing no signs of slowing down. Convinced we were going to slam into it hard, I braced myself and leaned away from the door. Somehow, we stopped inches short of the rock. All I could see in my window was rock. Nothing but rock and the inside of my door.

Phew!

Did I Shut Off The…..?: You are away at someone’s house or on vacation and the thought strikes you. ‘Did I turn off the…?’ To qualify for BSS this can only apply to some appliance that has the potential to burn your house to the ground. Usually the iron, oven, or stove top. Thankfully, I never cook unless it’s in a Toast R Oven or Microwave and those turn off automatically. In fact, most irons will turn off after a certain amount of time now, too so this BSS situation is becoming scarce.

Missing Tickets: I know you have all had this moment. You get to the airport or train station and suddenly can’t find your tickets. You KNOW you packed them but after 10 minutes of digging can’t find them. They usually turn up in some hidden side pouch or…ahem…your back pocket, but you are in full fledged BSS mode for at least five minutes.

NOTE (again): Yet another BSS moment that’s going the way of the DoDo. I noticed that those self serve kiosks now have an option to reprint your boarding pass. So now instead of freaking out, you simply walk to a kiosk, swipe your credit card and ask for a new boarding pass. Ain’t technology grand?

Lost wallet: This has happened to me twice and I never want it to happen again. Luckily both times I’ve found it and haven’t had to replace every credit card and drivers license I had. That would have sucked.

Subsection A: Realizing you’ve lost or had stolen a shit load of money.

Locking Keys In House/Car: I’ve done both more than once. There is that moment as the door is closing that you realize the keys are sitting on the passenger seat. I had this happen to me with a car I just bought and nearly caught the door as it was closing. Missed it by centimeters. Fortunately, I was quite adept with a wire hanger and managed to get it unlocked within a half hour. By the way, this happened to me the same week as nearly smashing into the big rock so you have a glimpse of what my high school life was like.

Oddly, locking yourself out of your house is less of a hassle. Both times I did this I could climb in through some unlocked window. Sorry, potential burglars, I ain’t telling you where I live.

Birth Control Failure: The most common being a broken condom. Ladies and gents of all ages have had this horrible BSS moment. It’s a universal source of dismay and weeks worth of hand wringing until the lovely lady’s monthly visitor arrives. And it better fucking arrive!!

Losing a Child in a Large Crowd: This can be downright terrifying. Any parent can tell you this usually turns out fine, but on the BSS scale it’s right at the top.

That’s all I’ve got this morning. In my defense I only slept 4 hours last night and have yet to have coffee. That’s right, I even put off my morning coffee so I can entertain and distract you from doing any real work.

I know, I know. I do rule!

Today’s distraction: 15 ways to relax at work. I already do numbers 8, 9, on occasion 10, 11 and 14. I'd like to add number 16: Get people you like involved in an office beer o'clock! Promotes camaraderie, alcoholism and reduces stress. If you do it early enough you can have several people doing a number 10 on company time.

4 comments:

Hammen said...

Great list, just one addition: when you're going through your phone the morning after getting black-out drunk, then seeing an outgoing phone call to a recent ex-girlfriend that you made at 3:45 a.m.

When I first saw the title to this post, I thought it was gonna be about Schilling.

BeachBum said...

Yeah, that's a good one.

We should probably add one for waking up the next morning and realizing you had sex with a someone completely inappropriate. Like your friend's sister or a previously platonic female friend. Or the girl from the bar the night before that you and your buddies were making fun of for being so ugly.

uh...not that I would have any experience in such matters....

Clayton Bigsby said...

Yes and Yes. I've sat through three weeks waiting for the monthly visitor with things like moving to Mexico going through my head.

One time I hooked up with my buddy's girlfriend's little sister in my other buddy's room at the frat he was president of. She was only 17. I was 19 so that was no big deal, but I got yelled at followed by large segments of awkward silence.

BeachBum said...

There need to be rules about having sex with a buddy's sister.

In fact, I smell a new post. *snifff* oh yeah!