Thursday, May 22, 2008

Man Rules

There are some unwritten rules all men are supposed to follow during their lives. I would not only like to get them in writing, but re-examine a few of them. Keep in mind, too, that all rules have exceptions. We’ll address those, as well.

If I miss any it’s because they are unwritten. Why is it left to me to write down unwritten rules? What the hell? Like I have nothing better to do?

Oh, right.

Let’s get to it.


Validity: (on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being most valid) 9

Considerations: First, exactly how hot is this sister? For example, if she’s so hot that even her brother realizes it, that’s pretty damn hot (like Jessica Biel hot) and you may want to risk the friendship.

Second, how close are you to this friend? If he’s your best friend then it doesn’t matter how hot she is. You don’t go near her without expressed written approval of best friend. And even then it might be a test and you should stay away.

Lastly, is sister really, REALLY into you? If there is definite chemistry there, it might be worth exploring, but only after taking the first two into account.

Bottom Line: Let’s use this equation - Hotness of sister minus strength of male bond plus how much sister likes you.

An example. A friend of yours that you really only see during your monthly poker games has a sister that looks like a 23 year old Michelle Pfeiffer and she really likes you. You would calculate it this way:

Hotness of sister = 9

Strength of bond = 5

How much sister likes you = 8

9 – 5 = 4 + 8 = 12. This means you should go for it. Friendship be damned.

You’ll notice that if any variance of the factors could sway things one way or the other. As another example let’s say this guy is one of your five closet friends. That would push the male bonding factor to at least an 8. And if the sister was not showing any sort of interest in you, that would drop to around 3 (mainly because most guys are deluded when considering how much a girl likes them. In reality it would be zero and she’s just being civil).

That would make this equation 9 – 8 + 3 = 4. I say the sum should be more than 8 to even entertain the idea. This is a touchy one, so the consideration number needs to be high.



Validity: 8. I never did this because I would have felt weird and all my buddy’s girlfriends were annoying as hell. Still….

Considerations: Please refer to Rule # 1, but let’s add two more variables.

Length of time since breakup. If the friend of yours dated this girl three or more years ago.

Intensity of previous relationship. Let’s face it, sometimes people date for a bit, realize they’re not right for each other and move on. No hard feelings.

Bottom Line: Basically the same equation as the sister, but let’s add in the two new considerations.

Hotness of girl – male bond + how much girl likes you + time since breakup – intensity of previous relationship.

Example. A buddy of yours that rates on a 7 scale dated a girl that is an 8 and seems to like you. But he broke up with her 4 years ago and really wasn’t that into her. The equation would look something like this:

8 – 7 + 5 + 4 – 5 (I give a five for the relationship just because it’s safe. Chances are the friend will downgrade the seriousness of it just to save face).

This equals a 5. Not enough to take a chance. Of course if any of the variables changes, then you need to recalculate.

Let’s agree that this needs to be at least a 6 to proceed. Is that too low? I can be talked into 7 here.



Considerations: Absolutely none. Unless you are a vindictive scumbag that wants to show up your brother for the wedgie he gave you back in second grade, this one is inexcusable.

Bottom line: Don’t. Under any circumstances. You’ll cause a life long grudge between you and your brother and possibly splinter the family into warring factions for eternity. I don’t care if your brother’s girlfriend looks like Jessica Alba and she is lying naked in your bed.


Bad example.


Validity: 7

Considerations: Several here.

How hot is girl the friend is trying to score?

How nasty is the girl you need to cover?

How long has it been since friend has been laid?

How ‘in debt’ are you to this friend? In other words, has he backed you up at some point? This is highly relevant in this situation.

The strength of the male bond.

Bottom Line: This needs it’s own equation.

Hotness of girl – hotness of friend + sex drought + dept to friend + male bond.

So, if the girl was an 8, her friend a 6 but you’re friend just got laid last weekend and he bailed on you last month in a similar situation, then here’s what you’d have.

7 – 4 (you have to reverse the friend hotness in this case. In other words if she’s a 6, then enter in 4 here) + 1 + 0 + 7 would equal 10. You’re performing wing man duties, my friend.

One other note on this equation. I’ve tipped this towards having to be the backup. In other words it’s weighted towards almost always having to be the wing man. I figure it’s an important role and, unless there is some outstanding issue, you shouldn’t bail on your friend if it means he could score a hottie. Priorities!


Validity: 6, but this will differ depending on the status of the relationship. Please see below.

Considerations: This is a tricky one because of the varying degrees of relationship here. Originally I had wife in here, as well, but figured that needs to have it’s own section. So let’s just focus on serious relationships that are still pre-marriage.

Severity of relationship

Hotness of girl (as always)

Relationship of you and other man

Bottom Line: The biggest factor here would be the severity of the girl’s relationship. Any relationship over a year needs to be - at the lowest - ranked at 5. If they are living together, add 2 points. So a year and they are living together would rank at a 7.

The next biggest factor would be the relationship between you and the other guy. If you don’t know him at all, then it’s a non factor. If you met him a couple of times, maybe a 2. If you met and hung out with him it depends on whether you liked him or not. If you did, then it’s got to at least be a 6. If not, then a 4.

Example: You and a girl you work with get along great and there is some flirtation. Let’s put the girl at a 7, she’s been dating her boyfriend for two years but they are not living together. You have only met her boyfriend once at a company outing and he was a complete tool. We could rank things like this –

Hotness of girl = 7

Relationship – let’s put it at 6. Two years is a long time, but not living together by now could mean something is up.

Male bonding factor = 0

You know what? I’m adding another factor in here. Physical comparison between you and the boyfriend. If you’ve met him and he’s 160 pounds soaking wet and looks like a heroin addict, then chances are he won’t try to take you on in a fight. Let’s say this boyfriend and you are evenly matched. We’ll put it at a 5.

The equation would then look like this:

6 – 7 + 0 + 5 = 4. See? Still might not be worth messing around with her.

By the way, if girlfriend is currently a fiancée the relationship ranking is at least a 9. Possibly a 10. This means you stay away.

OK, now that I’ve put that out there, I need to disclose that during my college years I was the other guy for a while. I never met the guy so the equation actually stands up. Plus she was easily an 8 and we had a really good time together.

Also, I did mess around with another guy’s fiancée, BUT she had called it off temporarily and even given back the ring. At least, that’s what she told me and I chose to believe her. I should note that this girl was a 9 and would have believe her if she told me the earth was a triangle.


Validity: 9

Considerations: None here, really. Unless you know the wife is truly unhappy and the guy is already cheating on her, don’t even go there. You know what? If you did know all that then you are too close to the situation and you are in no spot to be the rebound guy.

Bottom Line: Unless there is a legal separation between the two and divorce is imminent, stay the fuck away from this. No woman is worth having some dude take a baseball bat to your car or, even more importantly, your head. There are plenty of other women out there and if you really do like this girl, then have her deal with the husband first.

That’s it for now. Men, did I miss anything? I’m sure I have, but let’s compile those for the next edition of man rules.

Today’s distraction: More body art, only this is more like it! Not safe for work, if you happen to be there, but it's actually very cool. That this artist managed to get smoking hot models to not only pose for him (assuming this is a guy) but let themselves be painted is a testament to this guy. He really belongs in the guy Hall of Fame. Wow, I just thought of another post.....


A Tribute: deer a train and basketball said...

probably one of the greatest posts I have ever read. hilarious! The sister rule is fantastic.

Hammen said...

Yeah dude this is an unreal post. Love the scoring system. Solid fucking work here.

BeachBum said...

Why thanks, gents. Make sure you spread the word. I picture a world where men are huddled over calculators trying to make life altering decisions and arguing with their friends if a girl is a 7 or an 8 because it would change everything.

Clayton Bigsby said...

If a girl says she has a boyfriend that you don't know and still puts it out there for you, you have to take it. Just say you have a girlfriend to make her feel less like a slut. Although, I'm from the every woman is a slut camp so I'm not the man to answer.

Anonymous said...

Agree with Hammen here, this is excellent work and it only makes me wish I had thought of it first.

son pere said...

Oh, to be young again!

BeachBum said...

Bigsby, I love how you mention that if a girl offers 'you have to take it' then call every girl a slut. You might be projecting, but I'm not sure.

I'm definitely not for the 'every woman is a slut' camp, but I do think that any woman could potentially have sex with any guy if the situation was right. I think most women are more particular about the men they would cheat with.

While men would most likely hook up with any good looking woman that paid him attention, women tend to choose guys they actually like and trust. In other words, make them forget about their miserable relationship. They're looking for escape in most cases while we just want to get laid with as many women as possible before we die.

This may deserve it's own post, as well. I'm just brimming with ideas lately.