Thursday, June 5, 2008

Man Hall of Fame

There have been people throughout history that have done or created things that make men very happy. It may have been accidental. It may have been by design. Either way, we need to start a memorial to these brave souls. Those people that have made it fun to be a man.

Here, my friends is that tribute. This will be an ongoing theme in this space. If I learn of people that would make fine additions to the ‘Man Hall of Fame’, they will be inducted in future posts.

Two things before we begin.

1: I’m not in love with ‘Man Hall of Fame’ as this sacred palace’s title so if you have anything better feel free to offer suggestions. Although, since we're talking about men, it might be best to keep it simple and straightforward.

2: Females are not excluded from induction. The theme of this Hall of Fame is anyone who has made life for males everywhere more enjoyable. If it turns out a woman invented beer, she’s in.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the inaugural ‘Man Hall of Fame’ induction ceremony.

Our charter members:

Hugh Hefner: Someone so obvious that we should actually name the MHOF after him. Maybe ‘Hef’s Hall’? ‘Hugh’s Hall’? We can figure it out later.

What Hefner has done for his fellow man may never be measured. He not only founded one of the most well known magazines in history, but cared for it and packaged it so well that he made it socially acceptable to read it! And it contained hot, naked women!!! Wifey used to read it when I picked up a copy. I shit you not!

From the success of Playboy sprung the Playboy Clubs (sadly, no more) and the Playboy Mansion which is basically it’s own tribute to manhood. Naked women, parties galore, sex rooms. Movie stars flock here – even female ones – because of it’s allure.

That’s the genius of Hefner. He not only is living every guy’s dream, but lives it in such a way women want to be a part of it. He has been linked to no less than 7 Playmate of the Year winners (this includes Shannon Tweed in her prime), Barbi Benton, Christie Leigh among other bombshells. He even got Marilyn Monroe to pose nude for Playboy back when everyone thought that was hard to do.

Old age isn’t slowing him down, either, giving hope to men everywhere that they, too, can still get some at age 82. It may not be with three different 20 year old blonde bombshells, but by 82 we’ll take what we can get.

Welcome, Mr. Hefner to the Man Hall of Fame. Your plaque is in the mail.

Bill & Scott Rasmussen: Who are these two, you may ask? Why, this father and son team is responsible for launching ESPN. Back in 1979, the Rasmussen’s opened a small Bristol, CT based sports channel that has only changed how every man, woman and child has watched sports, television and sports on television. Ushering in an era of 24 hour sports coverage, ESPN not only fed man’s craving for sports related news, but evolved into intelligent, funny, and thought provoking coverage of what used to be considered ‘recreation’.

ESPN has single handedly changed the way sports are viewed, presented and discussed. Without ESPN there would be no Fox Sports, NESN, NFL Network, or NBA TV. Fantasy baseball and football may never have gone mainstream. We wouldn’t be watching the women’s College World Series on national TV, that’s for sure.

Welcome, Bill and Scott Rasmussen to the Man Hall of Fame.

Donald Bitzer, Gene Slottow, Robert Willson and the Grand Alliance: You may have no idea who these people are or what the Grand Alliance is, but that’s why the MHOF exists. To shine a bright light on the people who make being a man so…manly!

Bitzer, Slottow, and Willson are the architects of the very first plasma video display. Travel with me, if you will, way back to 1964 where these three worked tirelessly (most likely it was Willson since he was a graduate student and probably did everything from making coffee to shining shoes to inventing plasma displays) to create a crisper, clearer, more rugged video display. These three manly men laid the foundation for this mofo.

The Grand Alliance was created in 1993 and it’s sole purpose was to invent the next generation of television sets. The partnership between General Instruments, Phillips, Zenith, AT&T, MIT and others ushered in the era of High Definition Television.

Next time you are in a bar and you see the individual blades of grass on a golf course or the threads on the basketball net or the liver spots on Bobby Cox’ face and hands, raise your glass to these brave men and women.

Welcome, Blitzer, Slottow, Willson and the Grand Alliance to the Man Hall of Fame.

Ralph Baer: Our last charter member was born in Germany in 1922. He moved to the U.S. in 1938 where he served in the Army and became an expert in small firearms. He attended the American Television Institute of Technology in Chicago, became Chief Engineer at Wappler, moved on to Loral Electronics then Transitron.

But it’s his work for Sanders Associates that Baer will forever be known. For it’s here that he invented the first video game. You may be familiar with his work. It’s called Pong and is the primary reason I can play at Pebble Beach without leaving my living room or how young, impressionable teenagers are able to live a gangster lifestyle without any real danger. Thanks to Ralph Baer, I – and millions of other teenage boys – have wasted thousands upon thousands of hours trying to save Zelda, throwing our controllers across the room in disgust and dunking on a virtual Michael Jordan.

Welcome, Mr. Baer, to the Man Hall of Fame.

That’s it for now, folks. I am open to any and all suggestions. I do have one criteria, though. Nobody in the Man Hall of Fame should be guilty of committing crimes against women; domestic abuse, rape or otherwise.

In the Man Hall of Fame women are placed on a pedestal and treated with respect. Especially if they’re hot and put out on the first date.

Until the next ceremony….

Today’s distraction: As a tribute to all good male friends every where, it’s the top ballbusters in movie history. How many men still use ‘Funny how? Funny like a clown? I fuckin’ amuse you?’ Still one of the best random rants ever.


Anonymous said...

"Nobody in the Man Hall of Fame should be guilty of committing crimes against women; domestic abuse, rape or otherwise."

Damn, and I was just about to suggest Mike Tyson, Gary Condit, and OJ Simpson.

Hammen said...

Dude, OJ didn't do it!

BeachBum said...

There are a few men who are pretty damn cool that I would have inducted, but I've lost some respect for them because they've been known to knock around their women in the past. Guys like Clint Eastwood and James Brown (the football player AND singer).

That's all I meant. Although if OJ does find the real killers I'll fucking name this HOF after him.

Clayton Bigsby said...

I'm not sold on calling it the Man hall of fame, but nice topic.

Wilt Chamberlain. He has to be in the inagural class. 10,000 women! Enough said.

BeachBum said...

I considered Wilt, but other than bagging 10,000 women what has he done to make men's lives better? If anything he's just made us all feel inadequate.

Anonymous said...

Wilt's book said he was closer to 20,000 women actually.