Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Calling All Men

It was once said that knowledge is the best weapon in any battle. I don’t know who said it or when it was said or what it was referring to or even if it was ever actually uttered at any point in history. If not, I’m calling dibs!

In any case, this philosophy has led me to browse through some women’s magazines from time to time. I’m not ashamed. I know most other guys do the same thing. Don’t lie. It’s okay to admit it.

The way I figure it is by reading women’s literature I might be able to glean some deeper understanding of the fairer sex. Maybe there is some clue as to why females are so prone to unpredictable outbursts and irrational behavior that may benefit all of mankind. If nothing else, I may gain knowledge useful in the never ending battle of the sexes.

I’m still looking.

Most of these rags are simplistic, trite and have 142 different low fat recipes designed to help you ‘Drop 10 pounds in 10 days!’. In other words it’s all bullshit. There are makeup tips, fashion tips, and thousands of different articles on how to ‘Spice Up Your Sex Life’ (which are often hilarious). Every now and then they’ll throw in a celebrity house pictorial and all have sections devoted to gossip. Who’s dating who (whom?), what this one said about that one, why Brittany is such a bad mother and whore, or how Angelina’s twins are doing.

If an alien race based their findings of women on one of these magazines, they would report back that all women care about is their looks, their weight, the latest fashion, which female celebrity is fucking which male celebrity and who ‘just shouldn’t be wearing that color’.


Never mind.

For the record, I don’t spend a hell of a lot of time on these things. Wifey has a few she reads and one of them is Oprah’s mag called….um…Oprah. I think. Maybe it’s just ‘O’, but I thought that refers to orgasms. As in ‘The Big O’. Although, ‘The Big O’ really makes me think of Oprah, anyway. Hold on, let me look this up….


Ok, it’s called ‘O, The Oprah Magazine’. Christ Almighty. Just name it ‘Obey Me!’ and be done with it. If you go to Oprah’s site, you’ll notice that there are 8 parts of a woman’s life: Spirit (most likely evil), Health, Style, Relationships, Home, Food, Money, and World. Please note the order of importance.

I know, cheap shot. Mens mags usually address Sex, Booze, Sports, Sex, Oral Sex, Hot Chicks, Cigars, and How to Get Laid Without Paying for It. Complicated we ain’t.

Which brings me to the entire point of this rant. Every now and then a women’s magazine will attempt to dig into the deeper meaning of being a man. Usually they have a male writer trying to explain (with a straight face, no less) what ‘Men Really Want’ to the women readers.

Case in point. This overly complicated article takes a stab at telling women ‘What Men Aren’t Telling Us’. Considering the general topic, this is rather short. Men don’t tell women a lot! Like how hot we think the boss’ new assistant or the heavy flirting we did with a group of girls we met while out with the boys or that you still look really sexy to us even after all this time. What? We don’t want you getting all full of yourself and conceited.

This particular article goes off the track nearly right away. In the second paragraph, the author writes ‘we wish you knew just how much we have had to suppress about our desires, pains, fears, and vulnerability over the years to conform to the script of masculinity that we are given’.

What the fuck?! If you ever needed an idea of what a man writing for a women’s magazine reads like, there you go. Speaking as a red blooded, American male the only thing I’ve suppressed lately is my urge to kill coworkers with my bare hands and the urge to make a pass at another, much younger, woman.

As far as I can tell we don’t follow any script, either. Christ, we don’t even follow instructions when we’re putting 3,152 different pieces together. I didn’t even know there was a script. Who wrote it? Was it put together by multiple generations of men? Is this a high concept story idea that falls apart in the last 20 minutes? I’m guessing yes.

Here’s another part: ‘We are very insecure about how we look and what you really think about us and we are excited when you do small, nice things for us like make coffee or come with us to the barber shop or just buy us a good book’.

First things first. Don’t ever – EVER – come with me to my barber shop. I don’t care how hot you are or how in love with you I am, the barber shop is my sanctuary from the everyday shit I deal with. Sorry, but you fall into that camp. Nothing personal. Second, don’t ever buy us a book unless you know for a fact it’s something we would like. If it has Oprah’s sticker on it, don’t even think about it. Get a Barnes and Noble gift card if you insist on making us read. Game Stop would be better, but whatever.

Coffee is always welcome.

The author does come tantalizingly close to truth when he writes ‘Men do communicate, often very directly, but women sometimes cannot accept how simple what we have to say is. We seldom play games – we aren’t that sophisticated’.

Nice work. Lump playing stupid mind games in with sophistication. The reason men don’t play games is because it’s a complete waste of time. Playing games in a relationship is petty and accomplishes nothing but making each member unhappy and confused. Besides, we can’t play games to which we can never learn the rules. Women change them as it suits their needs and there is no winning. If men want to play games, we’ll pop in ‘Madden ’08’.

The only thing this guy gets straight is how simple men are and how women just can’t accept that fact. There is no mystery to us. If we say we want a burger for lunch it’s because we want a burger. It’s not because the burger you made us last night wasn’t very good and now we have the chance to get a real one. If we’re tired, we’re fucking tired, OK? We’re not trying to avoid discussing you mother’s visit 3 months from now.

Here, I can distill the essence of 95% of all men in a few seconds.

- Love us for who we are. Don’t try to change us. We may change, but it’s because we want to in order to please you. Don’t force it or we’ll resent you forever.

- Any sex is good sex, but great sex means you loved it, too.

- We like making you laugh, even if it’s at our expense.

- We like video games and sports and we will spend countless hours playing, watching, talking about them and hanging out with other guys who do the same.

- There are times we really aren’t thinking anything or have anything to say. No, really.

- We like sex and sports. Did I mention that already?

- We hate being nagged. We know what needs to be done and you reminding us every 10 minutes just makes us put it off longer out of spite. Remind us once, then leave us alone.

- Just because we choose to spend one night of the week with the guys doesn’t mean we still don’t love you. Just like you need to go shopping, we need to be with other guys.

- Beer isn’t a drink; it’s a lifestyle.

- We quote Homer Simpson because we know he’s an idiot, not because we relate to him. It’s just funny.

- Seduce us every now and then. It’s nice to feel wanted and we get tired trying to get you naked all the time.

- Lastly: We aren’t complicated animals. Don’t treat us like shit, do something unexpected and nice for us once a week, and put out on a semi regular basis and we’ll attempt to give you the world.

P.S. Don’t take us or yourself too seriously. That’s a drag.

Today’s distraction: It’s the world’s strangest looking animals. I must admit the Star Nosed Mole freaks me out. Check out the last picture of the three dudes. That middle guy thinks he’s the shit.


Anonymous said...

Wow, this shit is good. Could you do me a favor now and have every female in the entire free world read this post? If not all women, at least the ones I have previously dated as well as the ones I may potentially date.

son pere said...

TO: tpo10
Why not forward this to those women?

Well done, BB! Another "direct hit" for you, man. Might I add a line from a great country song "The Truth About Men" - it goes, "If you wanna know what were all thinkin', it ain't nothin' too complex. Just a whole lot of beer for drinkin', and a whole lotta S-E-X! 'n that's the truth about men!"

I gotta be careful now, guys, 'cause today just happens to be our (wife's and my) 42nd anniversary! Can't let her see this post, if you know what I mean. So, promise you won't tell her, eh?

Clayton Bigsby said...

Good Stuff. I don't think women understand that when we are sitting there watching TV, reading a magazine, or just staring off into space that we are really not thinking about anything.

I dated a girl that would always ask. We's be laying in bed with the TV on, she'd be trying to sleep, I'd be staring off. "What are you thinking about?" My standard response was this "How lucky I am, go to sleep."

BeachBum said...

I think we men need to start saying what we're really thinking.

'That you've put on about 15 pounds since we met'

'Whether I should risk drafting a QB in the first round of my fantasy football draft or just wait for the third round.'

I think we'd all agree they'd stop asking.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, I am gonna try that.

"Mike, whatcha thinkin about?"

"Whether or not I should start laying up my tee shot on hole 4. It's a tough drive and an even tougher green to hit. It's usually two shots and a chip to get on, so maybe I'll take the trees out of the equation and hit iron off the box to leave myself about 180 for my second shot."

(Dead silence)