Tuesday, July 1, 2008


I need to issue some apologies in order to achieve some balance.

Sorry to all my readers for yesterday’s half assed entry. Won’t happen again. Instead I just won’t post at all and save everyone the time and effort. I’m nothing if not efficiently lazy.

Sorry to Hammen for calling him an asshole on his own blog. I thought it really was a hypothetical situation. Although, you should have made sure she got home safely, you taco hording freak!

Oops! Sorry again.

To someone who IMed me and got no response back, I’m sorry I missed you. This one is purely selfish.

Sorry to my cell mate for unleashing about 40 ‘motherfucker’, ‘son of a fucking whore’ and ‘FUCKS’ yesterday. Wait, scratch that. He was the main cause of those, so fuck you, cell mate! I’m not sorry.

Not that any of this makes me feel better. I’m still in a pissy mood (can you tell?) for some reason. Nothing particular going on, I think I just need a vacation. Things have been busy and between exercising more than usual and cutting back on beer, I’m ready for a rubber room. Hey, at least I’ll have some peace and quiet even if I wouldn’t be able to scratch my own balls.

Anyway, I’m taking this opportunity to vent about some things that have been pissing me off lately. If nothing else, I’m hoping my anger entertains you. At best, I’ll feel better once I take out my rage on everything. Don’t count on it, but anything’s possible. Just ask Kevin Garnett.

- I used to think the theory of survival of the fittest was no longer applicable in today’s society. We’ve developed so many social crutches and safety gadgets that the stupidest people in our midst are no longer killing themselves as effectively as they used to. But then stories like this come to my attention and I realize that the idiots of the world will always find a way to eliminate themselves from the species. Or, at the very least, kill someone else and spend the rest of their lives in jail.

What’s funny about this story is just last week I had my own run in with a ‘Text while driving’ maniac. I was driving down the main road to my house and found myself behind a woman who was driving really slow. I could tell she kept glancing up at the road while something was holding her attention in her lap. Sure enough, she was texting on one of those phones that flip out to a full keyboard. I am not exaggerating when I tell you she would merely glance up once in a while to the road while she was typing away. After she nearly side swiped two parked cars I pulled around her and put my window down. She glanced over for a second and I yelled ‘Pay attention to the road!’. Well, apparently that was enough to drag her attention away from her phone as she started cursing at me and giving the finger and screaming incoherent words. This lady was so over the top insane I just laughed at her, yelled that she was going to kill someone and sped away to get as much distance between her and me as possible.

When I glanced in my rear view mirror, she had her head down again and her car was swerving into the other lane.

Here’s a question: Could I have called the cops on this woman? She was obviously endangering everyone around her, but was any law being broken? Massachusetts doesn’t have any cell phone while driving laws. Would they have done anything? I’m guessing no, but I seriously considered it. What’s the difference between this woman and some drunk guy?

- Dan Duquette, former Sox GM, seems to be in hot water for giving tickets to Pittsfield Mayor James Ruberto to the 2004 World Series. The purpose of the tickets was, according to Duquette, that he wanted a minor league team to play at a city park. Here’s the thing, though. The State Ethics Commission isn’t investigating this because the tickets were a gift. They’re investigating because Duquette sold the tickets to Ruberto at face value. Still with me? No worries, it took me some time to catch up, too. See, tickets for the 2004 Series were getting upwards of $2000 a ticket. So Duquette selling them at face value is being viewed that ‘Duquette provided something of substantial value to Ruberto for or because of official acts to be performed by Ruberto as mayor’.

But, WAIT, you are probably saying, isn’t selling tickets for more than face value illegal? I could have sworn that is called scalping and the Red Sox and other professional teams go to great lengths at preventing scalpers from profiting off their games.

Right. If you haven’t visited StubHub or Ace Tickets or any other online ticketing ‘agency’, those rules only apply to the guys out on the street. Online scalping has become a billion dollar business and if you even try to resale your Sox tickets through their website, you are subject to ‘fees’ that can double the price of the ticket. But, hey as long as they get their cut, right?

I’m extremely interested to see how this Duquette case turns out, because if the State Ethics Committee decides there was funny business going on they are basically legalizing scalping across the state.

- I’m ready to fucking kill whoever designed the Microsoft Project 2007 CD case. Apparently, the old, simple cases weren’t good enough. So now the bitches come in this case:

How does it open you ask? Well, it’s supposed to open by pressing two tabs on either side and having it flip open. However, they tape the sides shut, so you have to cut through the tape, then use the tabs. Only the tabs don’t fucking work at all. So you wind up bashing the case on the edge of your desk in order to get it to open like this:

It’s a fucking CD case. Why don’t you reinvent the wheel while you’re at it. Fucking boobs! If you're wondering that is my desk and it is always that messy. Also, this particular case has had those tabs snapped off of it. Works like a charm now.

- Like I need yet another reason to grab an ice coffee in the morning. Turns out that caffeine actually helps muscles refuel after a work out. So, if you’re like me and work out in the morning, you should follow that up with a nice, tall, ice cold coffee. Or latte or whatever floats your boat.

- Forget that outdated, expensive Viagra pill. Just eat some watermelon instead. According to research out of Texas A&M watermelon has the same effect on blood vessels and could increase your sex drive.

Two notes here:

1: Is it me or is the picture of that guy with the watermelon a touch creepy?

2: Since watermelon is big in the summer months, can we track if there are more births nine months after say…the Fourth of July?

- I was all set to slam the Spanish for going over board with their EuroCup celebration, rioting and accidentally killing a guy, but we just did the same thing here in Boston. Some dude got arrested during the Celtics post game celebration, stopped breathing and died yesterday. Turns out he had a heart condition but nobody is sure what exactly happened. I smell big lawsuit followed by major publicity followed by out of court settlement.

- Lastly, well wishes to a friend who is finally getting some much needed news on his artery clogged legs. Turns out there is a new procedure that may help him quite a bit. It’s painless, quick and leaves no lasting scars. Hope you hear nothing but good news.

Guess what? I am feeling better. More like myself. I may have to do something special today. Like get an frozen yogurt from Temptations this afternoon. Or sneak out for a beer with a friend. Something must be done.

Today’s distraction: Seven people with real super powers. Well, not all of them, but some are really cool. Like the super strong little boy and the guy that eats metal.


Anonymous said...

-That woman could probably be cited for something along the lines of wreckless endangerment, especially if there were children in the area. I'm not gonna pretend to know about the law, but that sounds somewhat right.

-I am an avid eater of watermelon in the summer months, so now that I have that story in my head, let's hope it doesn't add up to me flipping out and exposing myself at a bus stop or something.

BeachBum said...

Sure, blame the watermelon on exposing yourself at a bus stop. We both know the watermelon is just an excuse.

Hammen said...

Dude, I'm not worried about you calling me an asshole. Unnecessary apology. I wanted people's opinion of the situation, and I got it. But I'd still do the same thing again.

A Tribute: deer a train and basketball said...

Spain also hasn't won in like 4 decades, so it's pretty standard that someone died and their was rioting.

BeachBum said...

yeah, but isn't Spain the same country that has the running of the bulls and that insane tomato fight every year?

You would think that would get it out of their systems.

son pere said...

Regarding the use of cell phones while driving, including "hands-free" use and texting, as a Massachusetts Certified Driving Instructor I can tell you that, no matter what we threaten young drivers with, they will do whatever suits their fancy while driving - hence the high insurance premiums for drivers between the ages of 16-1/2 and 21. As for us "more mature" adults, well, all I can say is that I see some pretty stupid drivers on the road and the majority of them are adults (over the age of 21). With regard to enforcement of ANY laws enacted to ban the use of cell phones while driving, ENFORCEMENT is the problem, as stated in the article you linked to. We would need more police out looking for scoff-laws, and they would have to be absolutely sure that any person pulled over actually was breaking the law. Believe me, I have spoken at length with law enforcement personnel, and they are already stretched to the limit, with town and city budgets already sky-high. Consequently, any laws enacted regarding "driving while distracted" for any reason, would be difficult, at best, to enforce.

With regard to the watermelon/viagra link, this has been known for years. Don't know if anyone is familiar with it, but WAAAAAAAAAY back when I was a teen there was an expression that us young lads had which said, and I quote, "the two best things in the world are pussy and watermelon", end quote.

Anyone ever hear of the "Annual Darwin Awards"?