Wednesday, October 8, 2008

It’s Your Fault – If You Weren’t So Hot…..

Back in 2005, a study that included nearly 1500 men was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, which is not nearly as erotic as it sounds. The study was one of the first to take an in depth (pun intended!) look at premature ejaculation in lengths (again, pun intended) of time.

That’s right. They fucking timed the…uh…fucking. Believe it or not, they had the women time how long it took their men to ejaculate. Where do you get in on these studies? ‘Wait, honey, let’s try that again. C’mon, it’s for science!!’ On the other hand, how sexy is it to have your spouse timing you like a junior high gym teacher? ‘You can do better than that! Do it again or give me 50 pushups!!’

Their findings? You want to know, I can tell. Turns out men with PE (Premature Ejaculation gets its own acronym now! Good for Premature Ejaculation) lasted an average 1.8 minutes during intercourse while men who were PE free lasted 7.3 minutes. Less than two minutes!!! How much fun could that possibly be? I used to think those ‘Married With Children’ jokes were just exaggerations.

Unsurprisingly, couples that included men with PE scored higher when tested for personal distress, interpersonal difficulty with their partners and dissatisfaction with sexual intercourse. Please refer to the 1.8 minute time frame for explanation.

Fear not, my premature ejaculating friends. Help is here. Contained in all the fancy, fifty cent words in the attached article is a new topical spray that extends love making nearly two and a half times longer. Soon you’ll be screwing her for nearly 4 minutes. Way to go, you stud.

While this new spray sounds promising – or at least from what I understand in that article I think it’s promising – I can’t help but wonder why the women didn’t just try getting the men drunk. For fuck sake’s (hey look! Another pun!) I could have auditioned for a porn movie due to alcohol’s effect on my…uh…finishing time. You know what? Let’s just leave it at that and move on.

Now, before all you guys that can screw a girl (or boy - I don’t discriminate) for more than 2 minutes go around making fun of all the PE suffering dudes in the world you should know that it isn’t their fault. According to a study conducted at Utrecht (something stuck in your throat?) University PE is actually genetically determined. That’s right. It’s your genes fault. It really isn’t because the chick is smoking hot, at all. It’s your stupid DNA that’s making you pop in 30 seconds. Still, tell her it’s because she’s really hot so you don’t cause problems. Blaming your genes will just make an already awkward situation worse.

Published again in the dirty-in-a-classy-way Journal of Sexual Medicine, this Dutch University studied more than 89 men suffering from the ‘primary form’ of PE and a control group of 92 men who did not. Unbelievably, women were once again given stop watches so they could time their men once they started having intercourse. C’mon, these scientists are smart (or so I assume). They couldn’t come up with a less emasculating way to time ejaculation? Wow, that last sentence sounded much better in my head.

Anyway, the researchers found that men suffering from PE had less active serotonin between their the nerves of their brains that contain ejaculation. Serotonin, by the way, is also linked to sexual activity and appetite, which probably explains why I love food as well as sex. My serotonin is leaking out my ears! Help! If it turns out serotonin is linked to beer consumption they should just name it after me.

These Dutch dudes have pinpointed the gene causing all this heartache, too. It’s been lovingly labeled 5-HTTLPR, so you now all you PE sufferers can curse this gene by name when you let loose in 30 seconds. ‘Damn you 5-HTTLPR! Damn you straight to hell!!’ If nothing else, you’ll sound intelligent while the girl quietly dresses and sneaks out the door. Or insane. You may sound insane, too.

Where was I?

Oh, 5-HTTLPR is responsible for the amount and activity of serotonin which translates into it being the control for men’s ejaculation (among many other things). There are three types of this gene: LL, SL and SS. Men possessing the LL form ejaculate twice as quick on average as those with SS. SL men are nearly as virile as SS men, but not quite. So, ladies when you’re running genetic tests on potential husbands, make sure you put this gene on your ‘Watch List’. You can thank me later.

Still there are many unanswered questions I have. Things like...

There are different types of premature ejaculation? What other type do we have besides 'primary'? Isn’t one more then sufficient to humiliate millions of men around the world?

Do women react the same way to PE as they do to small penises and pretend it really doesn’t matter?

Do men with PE have a tendency to over compensate in other areas of their lives? Like becoming really successful in their careers and collecting cars and shit like that?

If you’re wondering what the point of all this is, the researchers wanted to prove once and for all that PE is not psychological. Nice work, fellas. It wasn’t psychological until I read all of this. Thanks a lot.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to print out this 1.8 minute stat and show it to wifey.

I don’t look so bad now, do I?

Today’s distraction: Sometimes there are news stories that make me happy.

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