Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Giving Back

The holiday season’s crushing weight is now upon us. I can tell because people are getting crankier, more rude and – in some cases – down right hostile towards others.

Fa la la la la la la la la.

Apologies if I missed a ‘la’ in there.

Besides the obvious anxiety over what to buy whom, the stress of how much to spend, the trauma of actually seeing your own family there is the added fun of being guilted into donating to some work related charity.

I’ve already donated a bunch of canned goods for the Thanksgiving food drive and now our office manager has placed stars on the bulletin board in the common kitchen area. The idea is to help out some unfortunate family through the Salvation Army.

On each star is a person’s name with their wish list. Considering these are supposedly poor families there are quite a few iPods listed on the board. Damn, we ain’t made of money, either, you know.

The board had about 50 stars on it with varying requests. My eye caught one for Derek, age 10. On it was shirt and pants with listed sizes and I thought ‘What? You can’t give a 10 year old boy clothes for Christmas!’

So, I grabbed the star and am plotting a true Christmas surprise. I’ll get him some clothes, but it can’t just be that. I need to throw in something good. This is a young, impressionable boy and I have the opportunity to corrupt him in ways he and his parents couldn’t possibly imagine.

Here are some ideas with thoughts attached.

Year Subscription to Playboy: What better way to introduce a 10 year old to the wonders of the female form. Plus they really do have great interviews. Hopefully he can read.

Pros: Anatomy lessons = educational

Cons: May not understand the technique of air brushing thus setting him up for disappointment when he sees his first real woman.

Video Games: Thinking something like ‘Fallout 3’, ‘Saint Rows 2’ or my favorite ‘Blitz: The League’, which is a football game where ‘Steroid and drug use is encouraged and wins are celebrated with hookers in a hotel room’.

Pros: He can learn how the NFL really operates; other games will teach him targeting with guns and critical, quick crisis decision making. Like whether to shoot your own mother in the head or have her torn in half by a torture device in ‘Silent Hill: Homecoming’. Man, I love video games.

Cons: Potentially creating a homicidal sociopath who does 'roids and kills cats to celebrate a little league hit. Also, no clue which system he would be using so would have to buy it for Playstation, Xbox and Wii just to cover my bases.

Beer of the Month Club: No really.

Pros: Will develop his taste buds at an early age to differentiate between quality beers and anything put out by Anheuser – Busch.

Cons: Star of his very own ‘Intervention’ episode at ripe age of 13.

DVD/CD Duplicator: Who can’t use one of these?

Pros: Can earn extra money for struggling family by pirating the latest DVD releases and selling them to his friends.

Cons: Feds don’t look kindly on that kind of thing; most likely a federal juvenile record when all is said and done.

Netflix Subscription: Should probably go hand in hand with the gift above.

Pros: Entire family will benefit; DVDs he will duplicate and sell to strangers are delivered right to his door!

Cons: Can’t think of a single one.

The Martin Scorsese Box Set: Must include ‘Goodfellas’, ‘Casino’, ‘The Departed’, ‘Mean Streets’, and ‘After Hours’.

Pros: Teach the kid how to keep his DVD pirating empire running smoothly; lessons on keeping rats out of his criminal empire; body disposal techniques.

Cons: Could slip on the ‘F’ word which might result in grounding or missing a dinner.

Skydiving Lessons: Not sure if there is an age limit for this, but let’s assume the parents will sign a waiver.

Pros: Confidence building; kick ass story for recess.

Cons: Potential death.

Binoculars/Digital Camera: Boys like to see what’s going on. What?

Pros: Great for…um…bird watching. So he can take up that hobby. If he stumbles across the hot neighbor dressing by her window, then score!

Cons: Angry husband/boyfriend pounding on the door. Still the kid’s 10. Some guy going to beat up a 10 year old kid?

In reality I’ll probably just settle for one of those $20 built in video game systems. You know the ones that have 5 games built in and plug directly into you television set? One of those. You just can’t get a 10 year old boy clothes only. That’s blasphemous.

I’m off the rest of the week so everyone have a fantastic long weekend and enjoy the Thanksgiving NFL triple header. I know I will be. Or will be until I pass out on the couch.

Today’s distraction: A fun, yet increasingly difficult land mark game. It’s ‘Where on Earth?’ and it will take up much of your dead time for the next few days.


A Tribute: deer a train and basketball said...

Where on Earth? Was fantastic. Last hour of work went by like a breeze. I would go with the beer of the month club. I had no clue that existed, but I know what my brother will be getting this year.

son pere said...

If I send you a "STAR", with my name and wish list on it, will you "make my holiDAY"?

I'll take the Playboy subscription (to remind me), and, instead of the "beer of the month" club subscription, make it the "wine of the month" club.

Thanks, Bb!

(Yes, I'm back in MA for the holidays.)

Anonymous said...

Beer of the month club? Sign me the hell up.

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