During the Sunday’s games I received my weekly call that is barely a call at all from my buddy. No actual conversation takes place as he usually just launches into an unholy cascade of curses and expletives so drastic I’m afraid my boys can hear it from the other room. It was during one of these calls last year that he inadvertently created the perfect nickname for Patriots running back Lawrence Maroney: Suck Fuck Maroney.
That name has stuck.
Sunday’s call had to do with his complete inability to get any sort of production out of his two prime wide receivers. Namely Plaxico Burress and Terrell Owens. Yup, he’s got both of them on his team. This is the same guy that drafted Tom Brady with the third pick, I should remind everyone. If I don’t, he’ll be sure to. Trust me on that.
While ‘discussing’ these two receivers he uttered another soon to be famous line: ‘Owens and Burress, they both display the true sense of suckassness’. Not sure if suckassness should be one word or two or even three, but I’m very fond of it. It gets across the impression of wasted roster spaces on your fantasy teams, but leaves a hint of hope. That they just might get it together. You can be sure he would think a long time before trading them.
Therefore, Suck Fuck is much worse than suckassness. Suck Fuck means there is no hope. You just suck. Plain and simple. My bet is Maroney goes undrafted next year. Why take a chance on him when you can pick Kevin Faulk in later rounds and get the same amount of production from a third down or specialty back. Maroney is the true essence for Suck Fuckiness.
It also got me thinking about what other players we can add to these categories. Since we’re halfway through, let’s do the old rundown. The old rundown has been lacking from this space for far too long.
Off we go.
SUCK FUCK DIVISION
Joseph Addai: He was my MVP last year and would have selected him with my first pick had I the chance. So what happened? Injuries to him and the Colts offensive line haven’t helped, but this entire Colt offense looks creaky and ancient.
Preseason Rank: 5
Actual Rank through week 10: 143
Larry Johnson: What a disaster. He plays poorly when he does play, then gets himself into trouble, hurt, then suspended. I think I speak for many fantasy owners, Mr. Johnson, when I say ‘bite me!’
Preseason rank: 10
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 126
Darren McFadden: Yeah, he’s a rookie, but he was considered the cream of the crop. One of my colleagues actually took him in the third round but, like everything Raider related, it all turned to shit.
Preseason rank: 29
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 181
Carson Palmer: Forget the injury and look what he did the first quarter of this season. Oh, that’s right! You can’t, because he did jack shit. I was lucky enough to draft him in my other, largely irrelevant league that had the added bonus of listing certain ‘franchise’ players. If you owned one of them you could not simply drop them off your roster. They had to be traded or benched. Palmer was one of them which meant I was stuck with him on my roster until the Bengals officially announced he was out for the season.
Couldn’t happen soon enough.
Preseason Rank: 42
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 1830
Derek Anderson: Played just well enough that many owners still played him, hoping for that breakout game and just shitty enough to cripple your entire team.
Preseason Rank: 51
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 88 with a seat on the bench
Vince Young: Look, nobody was expecting him to be Tom Brady but we expected SOME sort of improvement. Anything. Instead we get a minor leg injury, a police chase, a suicide attempt and 18 new reasons to stay the hell away from him next year.
Preseason Rank: 123
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 2058
Jon Kitna: If anything, this guy’s even more of a disaster. Everyone expected decent numbers for a crappy team (and got some of that the first few games), but then a mysterious back injury that Kitna says isn’t that serious, a Lions team in complete disarray, and misery approaching historic proportions ended any hope of that.
Preseason Rank: 124 (just below Young. Hmmmmmm)
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 1738
Matt Leinart: Not even an injury to blame here. He just sucks.
Preseason Rank: 150
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 2077
Marvin Harrison: We all expected him to be a step slower this year, but to nose dive into irrelevancy so drastically is startling. And, yes, I selected him in the seventh round or something and still feel like it’s a wasted pick.
Preseason Rank: 56
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 156
Torry Holt: Maybe it’s the quarterbacks for that team, but we may as well stick a fork in Holt. He is done.
Preseason Rank: 28
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 179
Jerry Porter: Forget your fantasy team, look what this signing has done to Jacksonville’s real team.
Preseason Rank: 105
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 1842
Braylon Edwards: I debated adding him to this division as a lot of people would probably hold onto him and hope he turns it around, but he just doesn’t seem to be trying very hard at times. Case in point – Sunday. 1 reception for 15 yards.
Preseason Rank: 17
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 89
For clarity’s sake, this refers to players that have been under producing but you would still hesitate dropping or trading.
LaDainian Tomlinson: I believe it was around week 5 owners started thinking ‘I might sit him this week’ only to talk themselves out of it and endure another 55 yards rushing and zero touchdowns. Amazingly, he’s still on track for 1000 yards if he can stop acting like a big baby the last part of the season. Big if.
Preseason Rank: 1
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 23
Willis McGahee: I speak from personal experience here. He plays one week and nets me 20 points. He suits up the very next week and never touches the ball. Suits up the next week and scores 2 touchdowns. When he plays he’s extremely valuable, but he’s so up and down there is no way to predict if he’ll even play.
Preseason Rank: 20
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 68
Willie Parker: After a scorching first couple of weeks, everyone figured Parker would be the man this season. But, like every other year, he gets banged up and enters the McGahee schedule. Could play, may not, says he’s ready, suits up, watches Moore run for 120 yards from the sidelines.
Preseason Rank: 27
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 133
Maurice Jones-Drew/Fred Taylor: This could technically apply to the entire Jaguars team, but for fantasy purposes it’s this not-so-dynamic duo. You take away MJD’s 3 TD game and his season has been subpar at best. Taylor barely sees action in the red zone any longer so unless he breaks off a 50 yard run into the end zone, he’s not getting many scores.
Preseason Rank: MJD – 16, FT – 60
Actual Rank Through Week 10: MJD – 21 (helped enormously by last week), FT – 228
Ben Roethlisberger: A guy in my league was so fed up with him that he dropped him from his roster yesterday. If I needed a QB I would have scooped him up in a heartbeat. I should point out that I just checked and he still hasn’t been claimed. Maybe he should go in the Suck Fuck Division?
Preseason Rank: 52
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 75
Matt Hasselbeck: He wasn’t doing much before the back injury, but is always a threat to break out with a 330/4 TD game any given week. He’s expected back this week, by the way, and the guy that owns him in my league still has him on the roster.
Preseason Rank: 70
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 1911
Marc Bulger: What is left to say about the Rams. Just when the put together a string of well played games (not all wins, but they were competitive) they pull out the single worst half in franchise history. They were down 40-0 at HALFTIME!!!! Bulger still looks to be the starter, but only in real life and only on the most desperate fantasy teams.
Preseason Rank: 73
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 181
Terrell Owens: Hard to tell if it’s Romo being out or Owens' prima donna, piss poor attitude that’s the problem. For every solid game he submits two suck ass ones. He's the poster boy for SuckAssNess.
Preseason Rank: 12
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 60
Plaxico Burress: On paper, my buddy had the kick ass team of the year. Owens, Burress and Brady. You could win 6 or 7 games just on the production of those three. We all saw what happened to Owens and Brady, but Burress has to be the biggest disappointment as it’s his behavior keeping him off the field and out of the end zone. Could still turn it around (had a decent game against the Eagles), so you’ll hang onto him if you own him.
Preseason Rank: 33
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 102
Chad Johnson/TJ Houshmandzadeh: A testament to the futility of the Bengals in that they have wasted not one, but two A-List wide receivers. Hard to place the blame on these two, but they’re under performing along with the rest of the team.
Preseason Rank: CJ – 32, TJH – 25
Actual Rank Through Week 10: CJ – 129, TJH – 71
Randy Moss: Brady’s injury effected his production more than anyone. Cassel has been getting it to him more often, but it will still be up and down for the rest of the year. Good luck figuring out which weeks to play him if you’re an owner.
Preseason Rank: 31
Actual Rank Through Week 10: 64
I’m sure there are plenty of other players to add here, but these are the major ones.
I didn’t include tight ends since they’re basically interchangeable. I would like to point out that one week after I dropped Dustin Keller he finally had his breakout game with the Jets. So he can rot in fantasy hell for all I care.
Today’s distraction: A baseball deal in the works that has me grinding my teeth. I can’t think of a more perfect hitter to play in Fenway and now may have to watch him hit towering shots over the Green Monster playing for another team. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!