Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Witnessing History

How do you like them apples, rest of the world?

In one decisive, historic (historical? Can we clear up which of these is the appropriate form at some point? Thanks) night America put the rest of the world on notice. We are no longer aligning ourselves with the cowboy ex-junkie that has tried to single handedly flush our country down the toilet.

By electing our first black President we are showing allies and enemies that we can be progressive; that the status quo and old regime is no longer in our (or anyone’s) best interests. Consider this an olive branch extended towards every country the Bush Administration has pissed off the past 8 years – and there are a LOT of them.

Make no mistake, naysayers, this is one of the most important elections of our life time. Think about it! The first black President this country has ever had. We’ve never even had a black Vice President. The closest we’ve come is our current Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. Every other President during the past 232 years of this country has had two things in common: They’ve been male and they’ve been white. That streak ends in January.

Sure there is a lot of work to do. This country is a fucking mess! There are rumors that Bush called to congratulate Obama last night and I couldn’t help but imagine Bush’s cackle while he told Obama ‘Good luck, sucker!’ before hanging up the phone.

McCain exited graciously and gracefully; finally reverting to the McCain I respected and may have voted for if he didn’t crumble under the pressure of the campaign. If he can’t handle running for President, how could he ever handle BEING President? Still, I can’t help but wonder if McCain’s disintegration was calculated. You don’t think McCain realized at some point that he either didn’t want to be President or that Obama really was what the country needed at this point in time and threw the election? Do you? Is that possible? Would he sacrifice himself for the good of the country?

Or maybe he was just sick of being around Palin.

Whatever the reason, he certainly looked relieved and relaxed giving his concession speech. Good to have you back, Senator McCain. Get back to work!

As for me, my campaign never really got on track due to lack of funding, lack of effort, lack of intelligence and lack of concentration. Still, I’m young, thoroughly inexperienced and say stupid things all the time. I should be a perfect candidate in 2012.

In the meantime, allow me to offer my services to Obama. There is surely a place in his cabinet for me, no?

Let’s take a look.


Current Occupant: Condoleezza Rice

What Would I Have To Do?: Presidential Lackey, apparently. While my main functions would be dealing with foreign leaders, I basically would do whatever the President asked of me. I also would be fourth in line to the President and help form his foreign policy.

Good Fit?: Since I can barely name three countries in Africa (and one of those is SOUTH Africa), I’d say no. Plus there would be the entire reverse slavery aspect I may not feel comfortable with.


Current Occupant: Henry Paulson

What Would I Have To Do?: Deal with money stuff and head up the Treasury Department.

Good Fit?: While I could do a better job than Paulson (as could a monkey), I’m sure there is someone else more qualified. Plus, I’m terrible at math.


Current Occupant: Robert Gates (I know! Who?)

What Would I Have To Do?: Deal with the armed forces and military matters.

Good Fit?: I’m not bragging, but I can defend myself well in a fight. It usually involves turning and out running someone, but still. I like watching the Military Channel and enjoy watching things explode. Count me in!


Current Occupant: Mike Mukasey

What Would I Have To Do?: Deal with legal malarkey and pretend to be chief law enforcement officer. Think I would be considered the top lawyer in the country which is like being considered the smelliest shit in the toilet.

Good Fit?: My initial reaction was a hearty ‘Hell NO!’, but being a lawyer is basically being a bullshit artist and I can bullshit with the best of them.


Current Occupant: Dirk Kempthorne (how cool is that name?)

What Would I Have To Do?: I’d get to oversee agencies like Bureau of Land Management, US Geological Society, and the National Park Service.

Good Fit?: Now this I could do. How hard can it be if Dirk Kempthorne has been doing it and not screwing up? Plus, I’ll bet heading up the Park Service gets me free passes into Yellowstone and other parks that are national and I can’t think of at the moment. I better brush up on those for my interview.


Current Occupant: Edward Schaffer

What Would I Have To Do?: Why head up the Department of Agriculture, of course.

Good Fit?: Since I’m operating under the assumption this would heavily involve plowing techniques and irrigation and sowing, I think not. I have a black thumb, not green. That means everything I touch dies.


Current Occupant: Mary Peters

What Would I Have To Do?: Um….heads up the Department of Transportation.

Good Fit?: Abso-fucking-lutely! This would allow me to implement my plan for having roving packs of independent traffic enforcement officers. They would just drive around in unmarked cars and would have the ability to pull over idiotic and dangerous drivers and revoke licenses on the spot. Driving like a lunatic because you’re late for a budget meeting? License is gone for a week. Texting while driving? License is gone for a month. Asian? No license EVER!


Current Occupant: Sam Bodman

What Would I Have To Do?: Run the Department of Energy. Most of these titles are self explanatory, actually.

Good Fit?: Surprisingly, yes. I’ve become an expert at making sure lights in the house we don’t need are off and researching alternative energy. I also have great ideas to instigate and reward innovation. I’m thinking Starbucks cards and maybe a ‘Make Your Own Sundae’ day.


Current Occupant: Margaret Spellings

What Would I Have To Do?: Besides getting rid of the ‘No Child Left Behind’ idiocy? Head up the (say it with me) Department of Education.

Good Fit?: Only if I’m allowed to bring back corporal punishment. We need our kids to grow up with a healthy dose of fear. And nothing invokes fear like a solid paddling.


Secretary of Commerce: I can’t save my own money and can’t possibly see hanging onto everyone else’s. Besides, I would get fired after being caught in some treasury vault rolling around in cash or straddling piles of gold.

Secretary of Labor: Yeeeaah….me and labor don’t go so well together. If you have a Secretary of Channel Surfing or Secretary of Procrastination then give me a call.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: The last thing I want is to be the person in charge of containing an Ebola outbreak or some biological terrorist act. I will consider on condition all Victoria Secret models must come to me for any OB/GYN exams.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: How much more housing can we fit into urban areas, anyway?

Secretary of Veteran Affairs: I have no interest in Veterans or their affairs. If they want to get their freak on with someone other then their spouse, who am I to interfere.

Secretary of Homeland Security: Do I want to be the one taking the fall for the next terrorist attack that nobody could have envisioned or predicted? Do you? Exactly.

So congratulation, President Obama. If you need me, just give me a call.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to snag a forty of Colt 45 to celebrate the United States electing our first black President.

Rock on!

Today’s distraction: Results on the individual state ballot issues. You’ll notice Arizona (McCain’s state), California (surprisingly), and Florida (not so surprisingly) shot down gay marriage. Also note that Massachusetts voted to keep the state income tax. By a whopping 70%. We also voted to minimize the marijuana penalty. Sometimes I’m so proud to be an American.


Anonymous said...

"I have a black thumb, not green. That means everything I touch dies."

I feel sorry for your penis.

BeachBum said...

Don't. That's been dead for years.