Thursday, December 4, 2008

Holiday Re-Takes

Now that I have kids and a lot of the holiday specials have been remastered so they’re watchable again, I’m being reintroduced to some old friends.

Namely, all those Christmas specials that get televised this time of year. My boys just finished watching ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’ and ‘Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer’ on consecutive nights. These are shows I used to watch as a kid and, considering the boys’ reaction to them, they stand up fairly well over time.

For the most part.

Here are my favorite Christmas specials and my new take on them. In no order, of course. I can never be that organized.

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN


The origins of Santa Claus and still very entertaining. Helps to have Burgermeister Meisterburger (or is it the other way around?) involved and songs that stick in your head (‘Put one foot in front of the other…’; ‘It’s a difficult responsibility…’) for the rest of your life.

Kid Take

- So that’s why Santa uses the chimney! Because he had a bounty on his head.

- That penguin is funny.

- Ew, why does Santa like that red haired girl?

Adult Take

- Mrs. Claus was HOT!

- Why the fuck is there a penguin in the North Pole? Screw it! Love how it does the ‘glung glung!’ sound!

- Was Meisterburger’s town the kid equivalent of Auschwitz?


RUDOLPH THE REDNOSED REINDEER


Obviously based on the song as there is so much filler in here that this really should have been an half hour program. Rudolph gets driven from town because he has a red nose (you should see me with my head cold) and joins forces with a tooth obsessed elf and a border line psychotic Yukon Cornelius.

Kid Take

- Aw, those poor misfit toys
- Don't make fun of those different than you as they can be extremely helpful during a stormy night in delivering your gifts.

- Look out for the Abominable Snow Monster! (aka: Bumble)

- How is Cornelius still alive? I don’t get it.

Adult Take

- Santa’s an asshole.

- Never make fun of someone different as they can grow up and come back to town towing a huge, angry, carnivorous snow monster.

- How is Cornelius still alive? I don’t get it.

- How bad are the elves’ teeth if they’ve never had a dentist and eat truck loads of candy?


HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS

That Chuck Jones was responsible for this and the very best of the Bugs Bunny cartoons means this is still a must see every year. Funny, creative and true to the spirit of Dr. Seuss. Basically the exact opposite of the Jim Carrey movie.

Kid Take

- How can anyone hate Christmas?

- See? I knew he’d come around and turn nice.

Adult Take

- You go, Grinch. Take away their shit. Ungrateful bastards!

- No, NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! The street value of that stuff is through the roof. What are you doing!!???????


THE YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS


This show disappeared for a long time because right wing religious gas bags kept insisting the Heat Miser was really Satan. Fools. He just controlled the tropical climates. Couldn’t they see that? Besides, if Heat was Satan wouldn’t that make Snow Miser God? And wouldn’t that mean God answers to a woman (Mother Nature)? Ohhhh, now I see the problem.

Anyway, this has always been on of my favorites although after seeing it again it’s lost a bit of it’s luster. Like most Rankin/Bass productions, this would have been better as a 30 minute movie and not the over long hour. In this one Santa gets a cold and decides to scrap Christmas since nobody believes in him anyway. Two scrappy elves (Jingle and Jangle!) take it upon themselves to find true believers, but wind up getting their reindeer impounded in South Town. Hilarity ensues when the South Town mayor agrees to release the elves and their dying reindeer if it snows in his town (which, if he’s mayor is technically a city).

Kid Take

- No, Santa! You can’t cancel Christmas. This is the year I asked for Stretch Armstrong!

- Jingle and Jangle are hilarious.

- Heat Miser rocks!!

Adult Take

- Fucking Santa. Little cold and he can’t work the ONE DAY of the year he needs to. Slacker!

- That reindeer looks nothing like a dog. Are they blind?

- Heat Miser rocks!! (‘I’m Mister Heat Miser, I’m Mister Sun!’ Song is going through your head now, isn’t it?)

- Wait, if the Mayor doesn’t believe in Santa why is he singing about it snowing in Dixie? Quite a leap of faith, my unbelieving mayor friend.


A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS


Charlie Brown and gang mull over the true meaning of Christmas, deal with a piano dancing beagle who is also delusi…er…imaginative enough to pretend to be dog fighting the Red Baron all while trying to put on a Christmas play. Chaos reigns. Oh, and there is a crappy tree involved.

Kid Take

- Mom, can we get a beagle?

- Look what they did to the tree! That’s awesome!

- Lucy’s mean.

Adult Take

- Man alive, that dog is exhausting.

- Wait, how the hell did they get the tree to look like that? Thing could barely hold a single ornament before. It’s a fake, isn’t it?

- Lucy is a grade A bitch!


FROSTY THE SNOWMAN


Snowman accidentally comes to life when a wind blows a magic hat onto his head. He proceeds to make all the kids lives around him a lot more fun, makes a traffic cop choke to death on his whistle and somehow avoids an Amber Alert while taking a little girl to the North Pole. Cameo by Santa.

Kid Take

- That magician guy is mean! Boo!! Hissss!

- Frosty says ‘Happy Birthday’ every time he comes alive. That’s funny.

- Santa saved Frosty! Horay for Santa!

Adult Take

- Actually, that hat does belong to the magician.

- Is Frosty retarded?

- Santa saved Frosty…oh good, we get to hear him say Happy Birthday again. Where’s the vodka?

- Thank Christ this is only half an hour.

I would offer up ‘Little Drummer Boy’, too, but I can hardly remember what it was about or how it fits into the birth of Christ, anyway. I’m guessing it wasn’t one of the more popular specials.

I’m off tomorrow, so everyone enjoy their weekends.


Today’s distraction: The 12 worst Christmas songs according to Spinner.com. I agree with most of these (especially number 1), but Destiny’s Child all look hot in those Santa outfits. That makes the song totally worthwhile.

2 comments:

Hammen said...

Solid work here. I was LOLing.

Yukon Cornelius is the man, dude. I always loved him.

thepowerof10 said...

I love those freakin movies. Also, I've always despised the Jim Carrey version of the Grinch. It's a mockery of the original and I'm glad we agree on that one.