Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Armageddon It!!

A long time ago - August 3114 B.C. to be exactish - some strange group of people who came to be known as the Mayans created ‘The Long Calendar’. This calendar began on either the 11th or 13th (there is some question as to which day, so let’s go with the 12th) and, like the Energizer Bunny, kept going and going and going….

You get the point.

When this Long Calendar finally petered out one date remained: December 21, 2012. You can imagine what this is spawning. Since this ancient Mayan calendar ends on that date it must be the day the universe implodes or explodes or the world melts in a big pile of molten lava.

Of course, there is a little bit of discrepancy between some historians who think the date is actually December 23rd, 2012. Either way we may be getting screwed out of some Christmas gifts, so plan an early celebration.

The reason December 21st is getting all the whacko publicity is because it’s also the Winter Solstice and the same day the sun lines up with the center of the Milky Way and all it's creamy nougat. Cue birds falling from the sky, forty days and nights of rain (in a row, that is), rivers running with blood (whether this happens before or after the rain storms isn’t clear), talking dogs, raining frogs, dancing cats with top hats (how great would that be?).

We’ve been down this road before, though, haven’t we. With thousands of people sitting on a hill waiting for the year 2000 to strike and Jesus to return. They all left with a shrug and a ‘maybe it was 2001’ question mark hovering over their heads.

What people are overlooking is the most basic of all human behavior: Laziness.

Let’s travel back a few thousand years to the person or persons that put this incredible calendar together. After working their way forward for more than 3000 years on this hobby (and let’s face it, it could only be a hobby and not somebody’s job. The Mayans needed shit to do back then as things like satellite tv and football wouldn’t be invented for a good 5000 years) you hit a saturation point.

This group or some ancient Rainman spent years putting together the Long Calendar. It may have taken an entire lifetime of weekends and late nights after plowing the fields and sacrificing to the moon gods for some of these guys. Figuring in the life expectancy back then (probably 35) this dude (or dudes) finally threw up his hands and said ‘Fuck it, that’s good enough. I want to enjoy the wild boars and hordes of insects while I still have my health’ and the date he ended on just happened to be December 21, 2012.

Or maybe he just died the morning after hitting that date.

Doesn’t that seem more logical than an ancient race that wasn’t even competent enough to survive predicting the end of the world more than 5000 years into the future?

No offense to any Mayan loving historians or archaeologists reading, but they weren’t an all knowing, hyper intelligent, mathematically advanced race of beings from another planet.

They just happened to have had one obsessive compulsive member who was fascinated with dates and spent a good portion of his life tacking on days to his ever expanding collection.

Today’s distraction: Here are 30 other times the world was supposed to end….and didn’t. The proof is that you’re reading this. Of course if angels descend and start weeding out the sinners on December 21, 2012 I’ll meet you all in Hell. Satan won’t know what hit him (or her)!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"... the same day the sun lines up with the center of the Milky Way and all it's creamy nougat."

Seriously, I laughed out loud hard at that one.