Tuesday, February 10, 2009

BeachBum Exclusive

Peter Gammons had the gall to claim an exclusive interview with Alex Rodriguez on ESPN yesterday afternoon. What he didn’t reveal was this interview was highly edited for television and that it was really conducted by yours truly.

That’s right. Here is the completely unedited, uncensored and complete transcript of my one on one with A-Rod:

BeachBum: Thanks for meeting with me. Just so there is no confusion, I think you’re a total douchebag and will try like hell to make you look like a lying, two faced son of a bitch to the entire world.

A-Rod: Uh…..I thought Gammons was going to be here.

BB: Fuck, Gammons! It’s you and me, tool!

A-Rod: Ok. Back in 2001, when I signed with the Texas….

BB: Wait a second! I haven’t asked anything, yet.

A-Rod: Right. We can edit that out. I was reading off the first draft of my first answer anyway. Ask me about the steroids.

BB: I’m running this interview, douche! Um…..ok….shit….tell me about the steroids.

A-Rod: (Opens his notebook, flips to third page, clears throat) ‘When I arrived in Texas in 2001, I felt an enormous amount of pressure, I felt like I had all the weight of the world on top of me and I needed to perform, and perform at a high level every day.’

BB: Pressure? You feel pressure? I would have thought with your stellar playoff stats you’d have a nickname like ‘Ice’ or ‘Frozen Blood’. Sorry, couldn’t resist. Continue….

A-Rod: Back then, [baseball] was a different culture. It was very loose. I was young, I was stupid, I was naïve. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time.

BB: Worth being one of the greatest? I don’t even know what that means. You mean worth that ridiculous contract you signed – yourself – to be paid more than some countries are worth (ours included at the moment) and put your team in such financial binds it couldn’t realistically compete for a playoff spot? Is that what you mean?

A-Rod: …..yeah. Overall, I felt a tremendous pressure to play, and play really well.

BB: Let me get this straight – you felt tremendous pressure to play well during the Texas years. Do you not feel that pressure now?

A-Rod: (flipping through notebook, then back again) Sorry, Scott didn’t write an answer to that question in here.

BB: So did you or didn’t you take steroids?

A-Rod: I did take a banned substance. And for that, I am very sorry and deeply regretful

BB: Are you sorry because you took it or because you got caught?

A-Rod: I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question.

BB: Are you apologizing for taking the steroids? Or are you apologizing because it was leaked you took the steroids.

A-Rod: (dumb, confused stare)

BB: Never mind!

A-Rod: (again reading from notebook) I had just signed this enormous contract. I felt like I needed something, a push, without over-investigating what I was taking, to get me to the next level.

BB: While I didn’t even ask you a question, I would like to follow up on that. If you didn’t feel like you were worth the enormous contract, why did you agree to it in the first place?

A-Rod: Scott was holding my dog hostage….. (A-Rod goes into convulsions while the sound of electricity crackles)

BB: Fuck! You alright?

A-Rod: (gritting his teeth) Yeah, sorry. That happens sometimes. Scott’s doctor still isn’t sure why.

BB: So what kind of steroids were you taking?

A-Rod: To be quite honest, I don't know exactly what substance I was guilty of using.

BB: You don’t know what you were putting in your own body?

A-Rod: I had just signed this enormous contract I felt like I needed something, a push, without over-investigating what I was taking, to get me to the next level.

BB: Yeah, you said that before. So, you had pressure from signing a $250 million dollar contract, but had no problems injecting yourself with something you weren’t really sure about into that same $250 million dollar body?

A-Rod: (goes into convulsions again)

BB: Uh….you’re faking, aren’t you?

A-Rod: Yeah, you didn’t buy it?

BB: Not for a second.

A-Rod: I’ll have to work on that. My acting coach is trying to get me to be more natural on camera. If you have pointers on what you believe and what you don’t, feel free to let me know.

BB: I’ll do that. So far it would all fall under the ‘not buying’ section of the program. Let’s move on. When did you use steroids?

A-Rod: Only during my Texas years.

BB: So….from 2001 through 2003?

A-Rod: That would be pretty accurate

BB: Pretty accurate? What would be entirely accurate? 1999 through 2003? 2001 through yesterday?

A-Rod: All my years in New York have been clean.

BB: Congratulations. I’m betting Yankee fans would take the Texas years over what you’ve given them in a heartbeat. Hey! Remember how you almost got traded to the Red Sox? Thank fucking christ that didn’t happen, eh?

A-Rod: ……

BB: While you claim you New York years have been steroid free, plenty of other shit has happened during your time there. The fans booing, the stripper, the divorce, Jeter not inviting you to his team sleepover, the playoff failures, Madonna, the fans booing, the botched contract opt out and subsequent negotiation, the Joe Torre book, now this….

A-Rod: It's been a rough 15 months here for me

BB: …..right….math isn’t your strong suit, either. Got it. Must be touch making $25 million a year. Don’t know how you do it.

Let me ask this: How do you expect anyone to believe you know after you vehemently and repeatedly denied using steroids during your Katie Couric interview?

A-Rod: At the time, I wasn't being truthful with myself. How could I be truthful with Katie Couric or CBS?

BB: So lying to yourself makes it ok to lie to everyone else? How, exactly, were you lying to yourself? Did you lie to yourself that you didn’t take steroids, only ‘supplements’?

A-Rod: There were a lot of people doing a lot of different things. It was very loosey goosey.

BB: Uh, two follow ups here…

First, did you just say ‘loosey goosey’?

Second, are you excusing your steroid use under the ‘everyone else was doing it’ defense?

A-Rod: I was stupid for three years. I was very, very stupid.

BB: I might argue that stupidity lingered longer than that, but fine. Why now? I mean other than the SI story about you testing positive and spring training starting any day now. Why admit everything now?

A-Rod: The more honest we can all be, the quicker we can get baseball to where it needs to be.

BB: ahahahahaahahahahahahahahahaaha…(wiping tears from eyes)….AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA…(doubled over)….you…..honest…


Oh, man! That was classic. Anything else you need to say?

A-Rod: I apologize to the fans of Texas. I am sorry for my Texas years.

BB: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That makes you and the entire state of Texas…..


Man alive! (tears now running down face; gaining composure) Never knew you were such a funny dude, A-Rod. Can’t wait to see how the fans of Fenway greet you this year.

Today’s distraction: One of my favorite analysts responds to A-Rod’s interview.


Hammen said...

Hahahaha well done, sir.

Anonymous said...

Man, this made me laugh.