Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Career Change

Maybe it’s that time.

Studies have shown that men go through an average of four career changes during their lifetimes. I’m on….uh….let’s count this out.

House Painter
Video/Audio Production Engineer
Computer Dork

Huh, guess I’ve used up my quota. Fuck it, I consider myself above average and chances are I may be forced into making a decision when I get laid off so why shouldn’t I move on to career number five?

Exactly! No reason at all. Let’s run down some possible options. It’s been a while since this space has seen an official rundown of some random topic. Why not make it about my favorite subject: ME!

Off we go.


Pros: Make your own schedule; work from home which means sleeping in and watching TV on the couch all day; can type well; could work from Starbucks

Cons: How much do you pay to read this? Right, money would suck; not very good at it; would have to deal with deadlines (if anyone paid me); carpel tunnel; crowded industry with everyone and their brother having blogs.

Bottom Line: Think I’ll stick to creating my own schedule and posting inane, mostly unread posts here. No pressure = no money.


Pros: Here’s where I think my strengths lie. I have basic common sense and am fairly intelligent, have good ideas that I need other people to follow through on and communicate well; potential for big money.

Cons: Not sure what I would consult about (I’d really like to be one of those gurus that people come to ask opinions about any big decisions. Like Dear Abby only less trivial and slightly more masculine); no clue how to get this ball rolling; lawsuits galore when my advice blows up in people’s faces.

Bottom Line: Can’t see this working, but it’s a nice dream.


Pros: Comfortable footware a must; low stress; get along with dogs; easy going so not much chance of me ‘going postal’; good benefits; free Netflix movies that arrive ‘a day late’ for some of the people on my route.

Cons: Think I need to join a Knights of Columbus or some rotary club; have to be social to other people, not sure if wearing iPod is allowed; would have to trudge through snow, sleet, rain, etc.

Bottom Line: Very strong possibility. Not sure what the requirements are to be a mailman, but if I get to drive one of those funky jeeps count me in!


Pros: Sex for pay. That pretty much covers it.

Cons: Have you seen the women that need to pay for sex? Chances are I’ll wind up like Deuce Bigolo and be dealing with She-Males and amputees. Will probably have to deal with some gay sex, too, and I’m just not into that. No offense, Hammen.

Bottom Line: Just not good looking enough to pull this off. Plus I’ve gone my entire life without contracting an STD and prefer to keep it that way. No offense, 10.


Pros: Already an expert; free samples; could travel the country; stay up late during ‘promotional events’; chicks dig the beer guy. Right? I'm actually asking as I don't know.

Cons: Would use 90% of my salary on my own product; probable divorce then rehab then liver disease. Not necessarily in that order.

Bottom Line: While I am nothing short of PERFECT for this job, it would cost me more than I would get out of it. Even knowing that wouldn’t make it easy to refuse were it offered.


Pros: Can change light bulbs; have no problem moving slowly through the halls; can kick ass with a mop and vacuum.

Cons: Cleaning up men’s room over flows; don’t speak Spanish; sucky pay and worse hours; possibly accidental electrocution.

Bottom Line: No thanks!


Pros: Not afraid of heights; handle a mean squeegee; enjoy a nice breeze; can spy on hot chicks in the office buildings; good pay for those stupid….er…brave enough to take this on.

Cons: Plunging to a spectacular death; people making faces at me from their cozy offices (fuckers!); life insurance impossible to get; would have to do this in winter which would totally suck.

Bottom Line: Having kids puts a damper on this one. Wouldn’t want my boys to grow up without their father. Even if he is an abusive, self absorbed prick.


Pros: Get to work with hot, naked models during runway shows; big pay; world travel.

Cons: Fashion people are strange and pompous; currently have hard time matching my belt and shoes so I would be a ‘project’ to say the least; not gay.

Bottom Line: While I would never fit in with this superficial, empty headed world perhaps I could make a mark as a novelty act. Doubt it, but you never know.


Pros: Get to shoot people; drive fast; beat up scumbag junkies; and (according to television) will get a super hot, female partner who wants to do me.

Cons: Would never pass the psych exam; woefully out of shape (from the cops I’ve seen this isn’t necessarily a deal breaker); getting called pig.

Bottom Line: There is no way in hell any city or town would allow me to carry a gun around. Maybe if I move to Texas.

That’s all I’ve got for now. I’m seriously leaning towards a beer salesman. Maybe I can get into the Sam Adams or Harpoon brewery as a scrub and work my way up from there. Might as well do what I love, right? Nothing I love more than beer.

It’s my true calling!

Today’s distraction: Family Guy’s take on Christian Bale’s tirade. Absolutely hilarious. ‘I don’t understand why we need another Terminator’.


Clayton Bigsby said...

Strip club DJ, porn fluffer for the ladies, or body waxer. Just floating you some ideas.

Hammen said...

Hahahaha that Christian Bale clip was nailed it, the Terminator part was the best part of it.

Also, go for your dreams, be a beer man.

Anonymous said...

-Consultant is a choice that seems to make too much sense in my eyes. You're intelligent and have plenty of common sense, plus it seems like people will do anything if they hear it from a guy in a suit (which of course is why I like suiting up when I go to the bar now, but that's another post).

-Beer salesman is stellar too, but you would be forced to give your wife control of all your money and have her give you an allowance so you don't spend $400 a night "promoting a new product" at a bar.

-My father has worked for the post office for somewhere near 20 years now, and he hates it. Maybe it's the fact that six months out of the year up here, the temperature is below zero. Side note though, headphones are indeed allowed.

-As of the last time I was at the clinic, I too was free of STDs, so there. Although it's about time I went back for another visit. Seriously.

BeachBum said...

Bigs, strip club DJ is a great suggestion. I like music, I like naked women. The only issue I see is my spending all my earnings on lap dances and beer.

10, one of my best friend's father was a postman for decades and it took it's toll on him. That he jumped at a chance for early retirement says it all. He was a miserable guy. Nice, but miserable.