Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Manly News

Tel Aviv University has just released some findings regarding birth statistics and the difference between boys and girls.

The headline reads ‘Men Are The Weaker Sex’ and uses the argument that more difficult labors are associated with male babies. According to this study, ‘a male baby comes with a bigger package of associated risks than his female counterparts’. Emphasis on ‘bigger package’. Thank you. I’m here all week.

According to Dr. Marek Glezerman, ‘Pregnancies with a male fetus are more often complicated. They’re more likely to result in a premature rupture of the embryonic sac and suffer from premature delivery. And those male fetuses which make it to term are more likely to suffer from excessive growth in the uterus, making delivery more difficult and leading to more Cesarean section deliveries’.

Now might be a good time to mention Dr Glezerman is chairman at the Helen Schneider Women’s Hospital, so he may have leanings toward the fairer sex. Not that I blame him at all. I’ve been leaning that way my entire life.

My problem with this particular study is that it comes to one conclusion, while providing evidence to the contrary.

Allow me to explain.

Dr Grezerman concludes that because males are more trouble in the womb, during delivery and continue to be a pain in the ass to parents all over the world that this makes them ‘weaker’.

Wouldn’t this aggressive tendency (you try living with ungodly amounts of testosterone coursing through your veins) actually mean the male sex is the stronger sex? Grezerman is quoted in this article as saying ‘This research not only confirms an old wives` tale, but adds to what we know about the male gender. Males are also associated with higher risk in the neonatal period after birth, and are more likely to expose themselves to risky behavior later in life’.

Well, yeah. We’re fucking guys. Risky behavior is what we do. Does that make us the ‘weaker sex’? I think not.

Every argument Grezerman gives I can counter with my own.

Grezerman: Pregnancies with a male fetus are more often complicated.

BeachBum: That’s because we’re holy terrors of masculinity before we’re even born. We’re fucking you up from the inside!

Grezerman: They’re (boys) more likely to result in a premature rupture of the embryonic sac.

BeachBum: That sac was totally invading my turf, so I gave it a solid thrashing.

Grezerman: (Boy babies) suffer from premature delivery

BeachBum: That’s because when we want out, we want out now! No fucking doctor or mother is going to tell us when we can and cannot come out. Chances are we tore off the umbilical cord with our teeth, too. Fuck, yeah! We had teeth at birth!!!

Grezerman: (Males) more likely to suffer from excessive growth in the uterus, making delivery more difficult and leading to more cesarian section deliveries.

BeachBum: I got your growth right here, Doc!

(Actually, on a serious note, wouldn’t male babies ordinarily grow faster in the womb? Males are typically larger than females, so wouldn’t that just be a logical assumption?)

Grezerman: In general, boys are more vulnerable in their life in utero, and this vulnerability continues to exist throughout their lives.

BeachBum: Wouldn’t having to fight just to live and survive junior high school make us more resilient? You know, that whole ‘whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ thing?

Grezerman: Men are known to have a shorter lifespan, are more susceptible to infections, and have less chance of withstanding disease than women. In short, men are the weaker sex.

BeachBum: As I’ve said before, the reason men die sooner is to escape the women. You try living with a creature that changes moods every other hour, gets angry but won’t tell you why and turns into a fire breathing dragon with pulsating, exposed nerve endings every 28 days. After 70 years of that, death is a welcome relief.

Grezerman: It’s almost like males and females are a different species. They complete and complement each other, but a `one-size fits all` medical approach does an injustice to both males and females. Men and women are different in so many respects, and these differences are more significant than the similarities between them.

BeachBum: Oh yeah!? Huh….actually that makes sense. At least we and Grezerman can agree on one aspect of this. Women and men are completely different. I don’t have a doctorate and could have told you that.

BeachBum’s summary: Males may have more complications during our formative stages, but that’s because we’re badasses from the moment of conception. We kick ass and take names (but no prisoners) and have a competitive streak that’s borders on obsession. Weaker sex, my hairy ass!

If you need more convincing, Dr Grezerman, stop by my house for a quick experiment.

You stand still while I punch you directly in the face.

When you come to, my wife will then punch you in the face.

Then you can tell me which is the weaker sex.

Wait.

That might be a bad example.


Today’s distraction: 20 Cool Ice Cube Trays. I want the Titanic or the bullet one.

3 comments:

thepowerof10 said...

You put that guy in a total mental box in my opinion. I'm not sexist, but you made a decent amount of sense.

A Tribute: deer a train and basketball said...

The bullet ice cube tray is the shit!
That dude sounds like a total homo.

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