Monday, May 18, 2009

Decision Time

Forgive my brevity today. I’m exhausted from making several piss poor decisions last night. Let’s count down the ways things went wrong.

1: Last minute call from my buddy to go out and watch Game 7 of the Celtics – Magic. The call results in an internal debate in which I talk myself into ‘Well, I guess I could go out and at least watch the first half' despite…

A: the game starting at 8pm
B: needing to get up for work the next morning and
C: knowing damn well I would be staying out for the entire game regardless of what I’m telling myself.

Sidenote to Item #1: In what world does it make sense to start a west coast Game 7 at 3:30 Eastern Time (12:30 in L.A.) while holding off the east coast Game 7 until 8pm on a Sunday night? Isn’t Kobe the bigger ratings draw, anyway? Wouldn’t the NBA want him in primetime?

2: Declaring ‘No, I’ll come get you’ to my buddy which meant driving north for 30 minutes to pick him up, then another 15 minutes west to visit our favorite sports bar.

Sidenote to Item #2: I don’t trust this friend as far as I can throw him when it comes to drinking and driving. He once flipped his car over so many times that it basically disintegrated while he was inside. Then he tried to convince the police that a deer ran in front of him on the highway which caused him to swerve out of the way. What really happened was he was so shitfaced that he passed out while driving, which, ironically probably saved his life as he was completely relaxed (or asleep, if you will) when his car flipped and flopped down the middle of the highway.

3: Expressing to said friend upon pickup ‘Hey, what’s R---- doing? Let’s see if he wants to join us’. This led to picking him up along the way to the bar. You’ll see how this decision comes back to bite me in the ass later.

Sidenote to Item #3: Two friends during a Game 7 never seems like enough. Minimum number of friends needs to be three for a season deciding game. Otherwise, just stay home.

4: Responding ‘Absolutely’ when asked if another pitcher was required before the end of the first half.

Sidenote to Item #4: It’s beer. Like I’m going to say no? Do you know me at all?

5: Deciding – like I knew I would – to stick out the rest of the game while refilling another pitcher.

Sidenote to Item #5: The Celtics finally started showing signs of life near the end of the first half and they were only down by eight when they realistically should have been down 25. They played that poorly.

6: Repeat Item 4.

7: Friend #2 putting the idea of going to a strip joint into Friend #1's head. This is the friend I insisted on inviting, by the way. See how quickly things go to shit?

Sidenote to Item 7: My buddy is ADD defined. Once something gets into his head there is no reasoning with him. He will keep mentioning it over and over and over while negotiating some sort of ‘deal’. It usually begins with ‘Yes, let’s go see some pussy’ steps into ‘C’mon, I’m having a kid and this might be my last chance’ before winding up with the trump card ‘Fine. My treat!’.

8: Repeat Item 4

9: The aggravation of my buddy insisting on a strip club visit combined with the Magic raining threes down on the Celtics heads combined with some dipshit screaming inanities at the television set for no reason (‘KNOCK HIM DOWN!’) finally broke me and I agree to hit a strip club. Only we repeat Item 4. Again.

Sidenote to Item 9: I could have easily said no and had no guilt over it, but our other friend had never been to this particular strip joint. It truly is one of those places that defies description. The only way to understand is to visit. So visit we did.

10: Staying for one beer too many at said strip club.

Sidenote to Item 10: Either fatherhood has changed me or I’m getting too old for this shit (or both), but I left the club depressed and disgusted with myself. None of the girls looked like they wanted to be there; all looking like they were being held against their will and eyeing the entrance like a fugitive, the DJ insisted on using the creepy, strip club voice (you know the one: ‘And now welcome to the stage….Victoooorrrria’), even the other guys looked predatory and nobody was smiling. Of all the decisions on the night, coming here was the worst.

11: The decision to pick everyone up now meant I have to drop everyone back at their respective houses. This means I don’t get back to my house until 1 am.

Sidenote to Item 11: Me sleepy.

Today’s distraction: As atonement to my debauchery and depressing depravity, here are 12 Powerful Women Throughout History. Be warned, a couple of pictures are not safe for work. Leave it to me to celebrate and denigrate women at the same time.


thepowerof10 said...

So you're telling me I am not going to enjoy strip clubs as I get older and have kids? This only means I have to get my fill while I'm still in my 20s. Thanks, Beach!

BeachBum said...

More likely it was the club we went to or a bad night. Just no fun in the air.

And, my guess is, if you have girls you definitely won't enjoy it nearly as much. So, yes, pole it up, brother!

Clayton Bigsby said...

I already don't enjoy strip clubs as much as I did when I was younger. Taking trips 5 miles over the Canadian border to see naked women was fun, but now I'd rather golf to be perfectly honest. This reminds me of a funny strip club story. We were at a bachelor party and everyone was getting a private dance one by one. The last guy finally goes and had to sit through "Desperado" for his song. Maybe the worst strip club song of all time.

A Tribute: deer a train and basketball said...

Going out on Sunday is probably one of the worst mistakes one could make. I also went out on Sunday, which is probably why I am still hungover.