Friday, May 15, 2009

Raw Deal

When my crazy sister in law arrived for the funeral of a member of her family, she brought with her the latest controversial topic for discussion.

I should probably lay the background for this psycho. She is my wife’s older sister by 2 years. Something happened in her formative years that created an attention craving, self obsessed monster who will do anything to get people talking about her and her lifestyle decisions.

These lifestyle choices included the following:

- Major drug use. She even dated a drug dealer for easy access. I use the term ‘dated’ loosely as I’m pretty sure she just blew him for coke.

- Befriending and bringing home an assortment of gay friends. I have no issue with this, but it was done more to provoke her strictly Catholic parents. Keep this in mind as most of what she does relates to sticking it to her parents.

- Marrying a black guy. Again, I have no issue with this. He and I get along great and tend to find a way to separate from the rest of the family whenever we get together. Often we’ll need to ‘go out’ and get ‘some supplies’ which is code for ‘let’s go watch the game at the bar down the street’. I miss him. They moved south a few years ago and I’ve only seen them a few times since. But, again, you can see why this would get her conservative parents worked up.

- Surrounding herself with dysfunctional friends. Wifey and I used to hang out with this sister and her husband all the time, but the amount of certifiably insane friends that would hang out with us became too much. The last straw for me was her raging alcoholic friend who came to her son’s first communion party, proceeded to get rip roaring drunk in less than an hour then started dropping F-bombs in front of all the kids. Not just one or two slips, either. She was a one woman blitzkrieg of curses who had to be escorted back to her house; staggering all the way up the hill while we watched in disbelief. It wasn’t even noon.

You’d think she would no longer be friends with people like that, but she still stays at that same woman’s house every time she comes back to visit.

- Home schooling her two kids. This gets wifey so worked up that they won’t even discuss it any longer. Wifey works in public schools and has seen first hand how most home schooled children fare when they finally merge with the other kids. Not well. Not well, at all.

Side note here: I’m convinced their move south was dictated by the home schooling. She had just finished her first year and the Massachusetts Department of Education requires all home teachers to submit their course outlines and paper work so they know the kids are actually getting an education. Well, when her lessons were due, suddenly they had to move. I should note that the state they moved to and currently live is notoriously lax regarding home schooling. Or any schooling for that matter.

Their moving out of state was the best thing that ever happened. It wasn’t just the constant ‘guess what she’s doing now’ daily discussions that were a grind, but the way she would play pointless, stupid mind games with her family. Telling one sister one thing, another sister a completely opposite thing, then her mother a third thing which all contradicted each other. I’m fairly certain she’s a compulsive liar who thinks every guy who has a conversation with her is trying to get in her pants.

In short, the first term that comes to mind when I think of her is ‘damaged goods’. There is something short circuiting in the cranium of this woman’s head and it’s much too late to do anything about it now.

Therefore, it was of no surprise that when she arrived last week, she brought with her the Raw Diet. When I first heard this I asked ‘What the fuck is that?’

Here’s what the fuck it is:
‘The raw food diet is a diet based on unprocessed and uncooked plant foods, such as fresh fruit and vegetables, sprouts, seeds, nuts, grains, beans, nuts, dried fruit, and seaweed.

Heating food above 116 degrees F is believed to destroy enzymes in food that can assist in the digestion and absorption of food. Cooking is also thought to diminish the nutritional value and "life force" of food.

Typically, at least 75% of the diet must be living or raw.’

That’s right, there is a diet that incorporates the ‘life force’ of berries and nuts into it. I get that everyone’s diet should be diverse and nutritional, but this is a bit extreme. Still, I withheld judgment until I could see the results. She has been on this for a few months before her visit, so we should have a good idea how things are working.

Of course, she has never been what anyone in their right mind would consider over weight. Always a fitness freak there have always been internal discussions that she has an eating disorder. Yeah, she’s been that skinny for most of her life.

Still, let us wait and see.

Well, we saw.

Verdict: Don’t ever go on the Raw Food Diet.

Putting aside the abysmal look of whatever the hell she was eating (she packed her own food and brought it with her everywhere), her skin looked awful. She literally looked yellow with lines and creases she never had on her face before. I assume this means her diet is lacking in whatever vitamins and nutrients make us all look human. Vitamin B? D? Whatever, she isn’t getting it.

During her visit to our house she pulled out a bag of what I thought was marijuana. I’m not even kidding, it looked like a big bag of weed and she must have noticed my eyes go wide with glee and excitement because she quickly told me it was kale. I don’t know what kale is, but I was ready to smoke the living shit out of it. The kids were at my parents for the day and I was ready to get it ON!!!

Instead she started eating it. She ate that shit. Being one to try anything (Really. Ask around), I asked to try some. Well, I didn’t get past the smell. Apparently it isn’t enough to just eat raw, but there are some foods you need to dehydrate before you can officially call them ‘raw’. For example, any processed foods or anything with additives and preservatives in it. Basically anything we normal people call food.

That it looked like weed made the smell all the more confusing to my senses. I don’t think I can properly describe it other than to have you imagine the worst shit you’ve even taken combined with skunk and a decomposing body and you’ll be getting close. There was some other scent I couldn’t identify, but by this point I was pushing the bag away from my nose while trying to keep my lunch down. And she eats this.
How does she look? Well, fucking skinny. And I don’t consider skinny a compliment. She disgustingly thin to the point where she could pull off impersonating a man. Easily. Her voices is hoarse and deep now (diet? Or is she smoking crack?) and she looks 50. She’s really 42.
This, of course, means every topic of conversation always revolves back to how this person thought she looked too thin or that person couldn’t believe how much weight she’s lost or how this other person didn’t even see her because she was standing sideways. That last one may have been me.

Does this make me look fat?

Personally, I like meat on my women. I like them to have curves and flesh and healthy hair and good teeth and…I don’t know…look, smell, feel, taste HEALTHY! There’s a reason the term ‘hourglass shape’ is considered ideal. Curves I like. Breasts I like. Nice round ass I like. Pencils I don’t like.

I mean, Christ almighty, compared to my sister in law fucking Olive Oyl looks like Marilyn Munroe.

Frankly, I could get forgive all of the above. I don’t care about her personal choices or her nearly psychotic cravings for attention or that she has smaller breasts than me.

It was the smell I couldn’t take. She laid down a funk where ever she went. I don’t know if it was the food she ate emanating from her body or skin or whether it was her breath, but she stank. Badly. I didn’t want to be within five feet of her. One moment would be over powering garlic like stink. The next would be an as yet to be identified shit like smell. The next was something like rotten olives.

It was nauseating. On more than one occasion, wifey offered her a mint which she refused. Wifey finally said to her, ‘No really, HAVE ONE!’ Again she refused, laughing as she thought wifey was joking around.

She wasn’t. You fucking stink, you crazy, malnourished, straw shaped freak of nature. Stay away from me.

I can’t imagine how this diet could be good for you. There’s a reason human have been eating eggs and beef and chicken and milk for thousands of years. Just like there is a reason we’ve been cooking food since fire was discovered.

I predicted to my wife that one of two things will happen with her sister.

1: She will contract some parasite or worm from eating everything raw.


2: We’ll get a call from her husband that she’s been admitted to the hospital for some strange medical reason. After tests and misdiagnoses they’ll finally figure out she’s malnourished and suffering from scurvy or some rare African tropical disease.

Since it’s about lunch time, I heading off to pick up a steak and cheese sub. Fuck raw! I’ll have mine well done, thank you very much.

Enjoy your weekends, friends.

Today’s distraction: A first person account of going on the Raw Food Diet for a full 30 days. The author seemed to enjoy it to the point where he decided to stay on it for good. He does mention the bad breath, by the way, but only for the first two weeks. He may want to ask his family and friends whether that actually stopped or he just got used to it. My guess is he still reeks.


thepowerof10 said...

"Curves I like. Breasts I like. Nice round ass I like. Pencils I don’t like."

And this good sir, made my Friday.

Clayton Bigsby said...

Good to see another hair guy out there. I've only had one diet ever work. I stopped drinking soda and lost 40 pounds in 4 months. I didn't work out, change my diet, and this was when halo 2 came out, so I was moving less.

Hammen said...

Good fucking lord. That's the definition of a Trainwreck.

BeachBum said...

She is definitely a train wreck. I forgot to mention that whenever she thought she was seeing me for the last time, she would insist on a hug and kiss goodbye. Considering her odor, it was a battle to keep my eyes from watering.

Our 'last goodbyes' happened three different times.