Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Seething Hatred

Despite a great game 5 last night (This Celtics team is becoming the love of my middle aged life), I am in a pissy mood. Since I’m petty and trivial and immature, I’m taking it out on life in general.

For your consideration, things that I hate today. Note that this may change in the next hour, may never change or slowly morph from out right hatred to simmering disgust over the next few months.

My Sister: I have three, but it’s the youngest who gets under my skin every time there is a family gathering. Since Sunday was Mother’s Day you can be sure she was there to bug the living shit out of me. She is loud, laughs at the inappropriate times (which is nearly all the time), and is obnoxious on levels I can’t get into because it makes my blood pressure rise and my vision turn red.

The worst part is she now has three daughters who are just as socially maladjusted as she is. With every child she and her NASCAR loving husband have the white trash quotient rises in our family. I don’t even like my boys playing with their kids because they always wind up with some disgusting disease. They’ve had lice several times, one had whooping cough and another had scarlet fever. Fucking scarlet fever!!! I didn’t even know that still existed.

I’m guessing that their house being an absolute pig sty contributes to their health issues. Clothes are everywhere, they only eat in front of the television and what they do eat is shit food. Meaning all of them are over weight (even the kids).

And you know what? I could over look all of that if they all weren’t so self centered and rude. Their daughters never say ‘Hi’ when you greet them; never making eye contact as shove their way past. The oldest daughter is a diabolical bitch in the making. I’ve caught her more than once whispering something to my eldest while he looks uncomfortable. When I ask him later, he tells me she’s always trying to get him to do something to one of the other kids in order to cause problems. I have since told him to simply keep away from her, which has the added benefit of keeping her lice ridden, fat, ugly head away from his.

Ironically, the only one in that family I do like is her husband. An affable, friendly, sports loving guy who gets walked all over by his wife. Whenever she launches into another of her famous 'It’s your turn to get the girls dinner’ or ‘I did it last time!’ the rest of her family starts making fun of her and defends the husband.

I will leave it to my blunt speaking father to sum things up for our entire family. Watching my sister and her husband walking away from the house while she bitches to him about some other trivial nonsense, he says, almost to himself, ‘I don’t know what he sees in her’.

American Idol Judges: We get it. You have a throbbing hard on for Adam Lambert, but let’s dispense with the ass kissing and at least pretend to be objective talent evaluators. His rendition of Aerosmith’s ‘Crying’ was abysmal. But instead of critiquing his performance, all four of you collectively try to brain wash the voters into getting him into the finals. Randy ‘You can sing!’ (no shit, or he wouldn’t be here). Kara ‘Un-BULIEV-ABLE!’ (what’s unbelievable is you coming back next season). Paula ‘See you in the finals’ (Please, no!). Simon ‘I hope everyone votes for you’. (Simon, you of all people should have told it like it was. You’ve ruined your credibility as the only Idol judge that speaks for everyone watching. No longer. You suck, too!).

Wifey has summed it up best with this comment from last night: ‘If Lambert wins I am never watching Idol again.’

Yeah, right.

I hope Lambert gets booted tonight if only to send a message to the judges that we know good performances better then they do. Or more succinctly: ‘We ain’t buying what you’re selling.’

The MBTA: You’re here for two reasons.

1: Actually scheduling a press conference to tell the state that your cell phone policy is ‘no texting while operating a train’. In the aftermath of an accident on the Green Line where one train plowed into the back of another because the driver was texting his girlfriend the T (as it’s known around here) felt it necessary to let everyone know that texting isn’t approved.

What you should have said is ‘The guy driving our train is a fucking moron. Why he somehow thought texting while operating a train that was carrying over 100 people was a good idea is beyond our imaginations. He will be fired and anyone caught texting, emailing, Twittering, or talking on their phones while working will also be fired. I would, however, like to apologize that we hired such a retard in the first place. Obviously our hiring practices need to be scrutinized and reformed. Please let our HR Department know we’re coming for them.’

I really wish they addressed how the fuck he was actually getting a signal underground, too, since my BlackBerry won’t work until I emerge from the tunnels.

2: Once again my train was delayed and crowded due to a ‘signal problem at Wellington’. Whenever there is a signal problem it is always at Wellington. Well, shit, I have an idea – upgrade the fucking signal system at Wellington.

See? Get me a job and I’ll kick some ass for you. And I don’t like texting, so I’m a safe hire.

People Who Walk Into My Office While I’m On The Phone Then Simply Stare At Me Until My Conversation Is Over: It ever occur to you that I may not want you listening to my conversation, shitdick? That’s why I have my own office.

The Airlines: Who have somehow decided to cave in to every Type A personality the world has ever seen. Declaring Wi-Fi access a ‘necessity, not a luxury’ most airlines are going to be installing internet Wi-Fi access on their flights. While personally I would love to be able to surf the web while on a flight, this is by no means a ‘necessity’ for me to fly. We’ve lived without airborne internet access since the invention of flight; we can survive just fine without it. Like smokers who can last 3 hours without lighting up, we web junkies can also survive.

Besides, we all know this means the next step will be allowing cell phone use during flights and nobody wants to hear Hot Shot’s overly loud conversation about how he’s ‘closing this deal today one way or another’ while sucking down his third shot of Jack Daniels.

Steve Phillips: During last Sunday’s Red Sox – Rays game he mentioned that Julio Lugo (who had just entered the game due to Pedroia getting hurt) had made some errors lately but that ‘none of them were costly’.

Really, Steve? Fucking really? That dropping the transfer on a double play ball that allowed one run to score wasn’t costly. Or misplaying another ball then throwing it 10 feet short of his intended target which allowed another run to score wasn’t costly? Or how about the fact that the Red Sox lost that game by TWO RUNS???!!!! Not costly, my ass!

Roger Clemens and Brett Favre: Clemens, just shut the hell up. Nobody believes anything you say. Favre, just go the fuck away once and for all.

ESPN: For feeding into both those egomaniacs with 24 hour coverage. Stay with me on this: We. Don’t. Care.

Media Everywhere: Stop making up new, idiotic words. Leisure and work do not create ‘weisure’. It’s called being a fucking workaholic and we’ve used that term for decades now. Technology is just making it easier and more socially acceptable to be one.

Texting naked photos of yourself is not ‘sexting’. It may sound catchy in a pedophiliac kind of way, but they aren’t having sex over the phone. That’s called phone sex which, in itself, is sad and pathetic. It isn’t possible to have sex via text or phone. It just isn’t. And so help me if we’re heading in that ‘Demolition Man’ direction of only virtual sex with no physical contact, you can just let me off at the next stop. Thanks for the ride.

John and Kate Plus Eight: You can no longer claim to be struggling with anything ‘privately’ when you are currently on the cover of People magazine airing your dirty laundry to anyone that has an extra $1.50 and no taste. That you’ve allowed cameras into your home to record every waking moment means you have forfeited any right at self pity for the next 10 years. If you want your marriage to work then cancel the show and go to counseling instead of pimping out your children for a life of luxury.

I honestly hope you come to the realization that you are destroying both the future of your marriage and the future mental stability of your children because you enjoy the lifestyle and fame that has come along with pumping out six offspring at one time. Congrats, you’re just like every other bitch in the world.

Top 40 Radio: Because all you do is play songs that have been digitally altered so that every female singing now sounds EXACTLY the same. I can’t tell who is singing what because Auto Tune somehow became a new instrument in every band. Yeah, Kanye, I’m looking at you, too.

Criticize and ridicule American Idol all you want, but at least we know they can really sing. In fact, Kris Allen just performed Kanye’s ‘Heartless’ last night and it blew away the original. And you know why? Cause there was no computer accompanying his version, which makes it highly ironic Paula Abdul is a judge for these real singers.

One positive note since my rage has been soothed a bit. Finally picked up Mastodon’s ‘Crack The Skye’ and it’s even better than I imagined (Thanks, Trib). If you never thought metal could be intelligent and artistic you need to listen to this. Even if you aren’t a metal fan, you’ll appreciate it.

I would also recommend ‘The Pains of Being Pure At Heart’ for anyone looking for some smart, alternative, indie rock. Reminds me of the glory days of the 90s college radio. Good times, those were. Good times.

That’s all for now. If I offended anyone with the above comments that’s just too fucking bad. Deal with it!

Today’s distraction: An interview with one of the most creative and entertaining writers around today. If you haven’t read ‘Choke’, yet, I highly recommend you do. If only to experience the funniest rape scene ever put to paper. Yes, funny. You’ll understand when you read it.


Clayton Bigsby said...

I have a sister that I too question some of her parenting methods. My niece and nephew have not come down with Scarlett fever, but one thing drives me crazy. She is one of the few adults that still smokes a pack a day and while in the summer time she goes outside, in the winter she smokes with my 20 month old nephew 2 feet away from her. It drives me nuts. Why would you do that to your fucking kid? I don't even chew in front of my nephew. Sometimes I'll spend the day with him and he'll smell like he's a smoker. My dad smoked in front of me until I was old enough and said please stop smoking inside. I just don't get purposely putting your children in harms way. Whether it's smoking, keeping a messy house, or raising them on TV.

BeachBum said...

I totally agree. There is evidence to suggest her kid should be taken away from her for doing that. She's basically lining him up for all sorts of lung problem AND making it more than likely he will start smoking by the time he's nine. Well done, Bigsby sister.

Clayton Bigsby said...

I disagree. I don't approve of it, but by no means should he be taken away. She's not a Britney Spears type. He doesn't get mommy's cigs for her or guzzle Mt Dew all day. That's maybe the one area where she impresses me. She teaches him how to count and the ABC's every night. Her and his dad are separated, but they have a family dinner twice a week. No TV or night light in his bedroom. She sits in the bathroom and potty trains him everyday. The smoking is bad, really bad, but she's not some terrible human. There was actually a law that was going to be passed a few years ago to make it illegal to smoke inside anywhere there is a minor, but the tobacco companies shot it down.

thepowerof10 said...

ESPN can get away with that shit because they're such a monopoly. Not saying we need another 24 hour sports network, but they're basically sitting there saying, "What are you gonna do, not watch us? Nice try, shitlips, now sit there while we talk about Tom Brady's leg for another 16 hours."

Hammen said...

I laughed several times throughout that rant. That was straight up old school BeachBum right there, back when he had those rants at least once a week. Good shit.

A Tribute: deer a train and basketball said...

Crack the skye might be album of the year for me. I just saw them at the Metro in Chicago and I must say they are just as good live. They played the whole album as well as some of their older stuff. I'd also like to say that you may in fact be an older version of me, you like Palahniuk, and use the word shitdick. That word should be used more.