Well it happened.
Our company just sent out an email that round three of layoffs are under way. ‘Those positions being eliminated will be notified by their managers by the end of day tomorrow’.
Fuck me. If you’re laying me off, tell me now so I can go nap and start catching up on my movies. I’m woefully behind on my movies.
I wonder if companies realize how simply announcing there will be layoffs effects production. The email announcing the ‘Reduction in Force’ (or RIFs for you laymen who actually have souls) arrived in my inbox at 9:06 am. Since that time I have done absolutely, positively no work. None. I mean, why bother if I'm gone soon anyway? Why should I start something if I won't be around to finish it? Hey, it's my rationalization. Let me cling to it for a day.
Instead, I have been IMing colleagues within my office and across the country while emailing anyone I could think of to find out the casualty numbers. Actual work is taking a back seat to waiting and hoping I make this third round with my paycheck still in place.
Then I consider it.
Would getting laid off be so terrible?
Well, let’s just break it on down, shall we? Damn straight we shall!
From what I understand most severance packages usually provide two weeks for every year you’ve worked at the company.
I have been here for 7 years. Wait. No, 8 years as of this month. Score!
This means I would receive a 16 week package.
Current date is June 10th. This current pay period ends on Friday, so I would assume they would want me to stay until the end of the week. Whether I would or not is an entirely different matter (Hint: no fucking way!).
This means my 16 week package would run out on October 2nd. Well, fuck! I could take the entire summer off!! It would be like being a teacher again. I could kayak and fix up the house and spend quality time with my beer…uh…family.
I could take classes and better myself through education while having a legitimate excuse to leave the house, spend time in Boston and check out the hotties in their summer dresses.
I could spend every morning at the beach.
I could learn how to cook in my new, remodeled kitchen. Maybe get so good I would try out for the Food Network’s Next Star Chef program thingy.
I could waste more time wasting your time with nonsense like this.
I could work out every day for hours and become a mean, lean…well, ok, let’s not get carried away. I'd get less blob like, at least.
The best part is I could start looking for work at the beginning of September with plenty of time to find another job before the package runs out.
Most likely I’ll be more marketable due to my new schooling and the economy will probably be heading in the right direction (if you look close it isn’t nearly as bad as ‘experts’ are saying). Therefore, I could land a better job that pays more than I’m making now.
Hell, maybe I'll stumble into some new career like beer taster or...beer taster. I just want to get paid for drinking beer, ok?
I’m not saying all (or any) of those above things will happen, I’m just saying that’s not such a bad deal.
What the hell am I so worried about? Getting laid off could be the best thing to happen to me.
Excuse me! Mr. CEO! Can we have a talk?
Today’s distraction: More evidence that Google is hell bent on dominating the entire fucking universe. Now they’re sending out homing devices to random people. Wanna bet that mouse has tracking software embedded in it? Or the pen has a micro eavesdropping device hidden inside? I’ll bet that USB drive sends out wireless signals to the T-1000 Google Terminator (Googlator?) that's disguised as the household pet.
Still, if you want to send one to me, feel free.