Monday, June 1, 2009


Gay marriage was shot down in yet another state last week. In – of all places – California. This led to protests and gnashing of teeth and wailing of injustice all over the country from gay and lesbian advocates.

While I’ll admit that Iowa being more progressive, tolerant and forward thinking than California is a bit like living in Bizarro World, I would like to ask everyone to take a step back and consider the following questions.

For Those Opposed to Gay Marriage

1: Why the fuck do you even care? Why does it matter at all to you one way or another whether two gay people decide to formalize their love for each other by getting married? And, please, do not hide behind the argument that marriage is a sacred institution between a MAN and a WOMAN. Marriage has been a joke for the past thousand years. Probably longer.

Marriage was nothing more than a business opportunity. Men of privilege would get a hottie (and the understanding that he could have other hotties on the side), the women would take a step up in society while her family would take advantage of their new status in town and make more money off whatever business was generated from the union. Ah, love…..

Marrying for love is actually a fairly new concept. It’s been around for maybe two generations - ours and our parents. That’s it. For the sake of fairness, let’s only consider the new era of marriage. Of all those people that entered into the ‘sacred institution of marriage’ more than half divorced.

There! Considered and dismissed. I find it hilarious that a majority of people arguing against gay marriage and spouting forth the ‘Institution of Marriage’ are on their second or third spouse. Do you think these people understand the terms ‘irony’ and ‘hypocrisy’ or do they somehow justify their twisted ideals to themselves so they can sleep at night? Maybe that should be a separate question.

2: Under your argument that marriage should only be between a man and a woman you should have no problem if a gay man decided to marry a lesbian woman. Even if the marriage was strictly for show and there was an understanding that each would keep their own partners outside of the marriage. Right?

In other words, it will just be like the Clinton’s marriage. That fine with you?

3: For those arguing about the religious aspects of gay marriage, you do realize Jesus was probably gay, right? At the very least he was bisexual. I mean, he was tolerant of all other people and lifestyles, dressed in open toed shoes all the time and spent a majority of his time with other long haired men. That doesn’t scream ‘hetero’ to me. I shouldn’t have to mention that homosexuality back in Jesus’ day wasn’t exactly taboo.

Therefore, under your argument, Jesus himself shouldn’t have been allowed to marry any of his apostles. Even if they loved each other more than life itself?

4: You often refer to the ‘true definition’ of marriage that states that it’s a union between a man and a woman. Do you realize that definitions constantly change over the course of time? For example, ‘retarded’ used to refer to people with inherent mental handicaps. Now it partly refers to religious nuts hell bent on pushing their morals and beliefs on the rest of society.

For Gays and Lesbians Who Want To Marry

I actually only have one question for you:

Why? Why in holy hell do you actually want to get married? Do you really want to be like every other dysfunctional couple out there? While I could see the argument if it meant sharing health benefits and life insurance, but there are already laws in place for your life partners that cover you for that stuff.

Maybe it’s for financial reasons, but there is nothing marriage can give you that simple cohabitation can’t.

Therefore I can only guess that you want to get married for the same reasons heterosexual couples get married: You’re fucking stupid in love. Emphasis on stupid.

Here’s some advice from a married man approaching his 14th anniversary. Free advice at that. Marriage is hard. I don’t mean that it’s hard to plan or get through, but the day to day routine of marriage and life is hard. There are times when you are so busy with work and kids and life that you barely have time for each other. You need to literally plan a night out together just so you don’t become strangers.

Don’t think that simply getting a certificate that says ‘Yup, you’re married’ makes things different. It doesn’t. If anything your work load just doubled. Besides the new anniversary date to remember, along with all the year specific gifts to plan (14th is fucking Ivory, believe it or not. I’m gonna have to plan a safari and de-tusk an elephant), there is now the tendency for things to become stagnant and taken for granted.

And believe me when I tell you your spouse will sit you down after dinner one night and tell you how much they feel neglected. Especially you lesbian couples. One woman in my house is enough to fill the loon quotient, I can only imagine what two women in the same relationship is like. Do you take turns being crazy or do you somehow cancel each other out?

As for you gay men out there pining for married life, what the fuck is wrong with you? You’re men! You should be genetically predisposed to avoid not just marriage, but the entire topic of conversation. Guys don’t want to plan dinners, pick out flowers, chart seating for tables, or figure out who to invite. That’s what women are for.

There is one reason and one reason only for men to want to get married: Open bar. Everything else is just bullshit. For two men to want to get married is just wrong. And I don't mean that on the basis of sexuality. I mean men anywhere!! I don’t care how flamboyant and full of drama you are, you’re still men!

Suck it up and fight this marriage business. Do it for all the married men everywhere. We would have done it for you if we had any say in the matter.

Today’s distraction: Some great pictures of New York before women had the right to vote. Make no mistake, this gay marriage issue is the new civil rights debate. All of those spending all this time campaigning against it are just wasting their time.


Clayton Bigsby said...

My view on gay marriage has always been the same. If gay marriage ruins the sanctity of your marriage then your marriage isn't that important. Gays never asked a church to recognize their marriage, only the government. Things will change once the homophobic baby boomers die off.

Hammen said...

"Do you take turns being crazy, or do you cancel each other out?"

That killed me. Hilarious and true.

thepowerof10 said...

I completely agree here as well. In no way, shape, or form does gay marriage affect anyone's straight marriage. If a gay couple can live together and adopt a child, they're basically already married, and all these people are petitioning is a piece of paper that confirms it. I can't handle intolerance and ignorance like that.