As a public service I am now appointing myself the Reality Check Commissioner of the world. Why not, right? I’m just as qualified as anyone else. Besides I certainly have no problem calling people out. In fact, I rather enjoy it.
So let’s get to it, shall we?
Reality Check To Myself: Don’t make promises you can’t and very likely won’t keep. Last week I vowed to post every weekday during the month of June; a promise that fell quickly by the wayside yesterday. I really should know better. In my defense, work was hellacious yesterday. I just didn’t have time.
Reality Check For My Company’s Executive Board: People talk. It’s what they do. When you clamp down on all sorts of official communication rumors will fly about more layoffs, salary cuts, budget problems and mergers. It’s what experts call ‘human nature’. Since we don’t have car services or make six figures or hang with anyone that has any control over the finances of our company, we have no idea what’s going on. Therefore, we will speculate and wonder and talk amongst ourselves to ease our fear. Tell us what’s going on or don’t, but don’t keep things secret then send out an email to the entire company that spreading rumors is counterproductive. You can’t have it both ways.
Reality Check For Brett Favre: Just because ESPN is fascinated by your every move, don’t assume the rest of the world is, too. We aren’t.
Reality Check For Kobe Bryant: Gritting your teeth and acting all angry and animal like doesn’t scare anybody. You’re still a border line sociopath who got away with raping a hotel employee and can’t relate to any normal person at any level. Yes, you are a great basketball player, but that’s all you are. I am truly terrified what your family’s life will be like when you can’t play basketball any longer.
Reality Check For Jon Voight: Nobody cares what your political views are except your sycophantic fans and anyone hanging onto your coat tails in case you make a run for some office one day. Go back to acting and figuring out what you did to so emotionally fuck up Angelina that even being one of the sexiest and famous women in the world, Brad Pitt and hundreds of adopted orphans can’t repair.
Reality Check For President Obama: You can’t propose a ‘Pay As You Go’ Federal spending initiative after footing the bill for nearly one trillion dollars as soon as you stepped into the White House. While it actually does make sense to pay for things as you spend for them (something my wife and 99% of Americans don’t fully understand), you should have announced this initiative BEFORE pumping billions into companies that are going to fail anyway. Once again, you are two months late.
Reality Check For Fat Loads Everywhere: Fat foods makes you fat. Even more so than we ever thought. Turns out fat from the foods we eat activates the hunger hormone ghrenlin. In other words, the more fat we eat the hungrier we feel. Even if our stomachs are full, the fatty foods make us think we’re still hungry. I just know Pizza Hut is behind this.
Reality Check For French: If you don’t post something new soon, I’m taking you off the blog list. That would be a shame as .0001% of the traffic going to your blog is directed through here. I may have missed a zero there. I don’t care if it’s a post notifying us of yet another blog you’ve started or just to let us know you’re off suicide watch.
Reality Check For The People Who Made ‘Hitman’ (The Movie): The video game you based your movie on was a brainless excuse to walk around gunning people down to fulfill our testosterone fueled need to take aggressions out on virtual bad guys. Therefore, you really should make a movie that takes after the game. Instead you made one of the most confusing, complex movies I have ever seen. I just wanted to see some blood and gore and instead I got a headache trying to keep track of who was who, who was impersonating who and why the fuck everyone was trying to kill the girl. I still don’t have an answer for that last one.
Reality Check For Microsoft: Google is coming for you. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Time’s up. Need to do even more work. I need to become independently wealthy so I can spend all day thinking up useless shit like this. Maybe I can parlay this Reality Check Commissioner into a six figure job.
Today’s distraction: It’s an interactive, online kaleidoscope. There is a full screen option that you should only use if you want to risk a brain hemorrhage. You’ve been warned.