Monday, July 27, 2009

Break Down

Despite one of those ‘I’m back from vacation and there is a week’s worth of work piled on my desk’ mornings, I am relaxed, recharged and ready to tackle it all.

That I only have three weeks until my next summer vacation makes it just a touch easier.

Rather than bore you with details, let’s just skim the surface so I can get back into form. Let’s break it down by categories so I don’t get too confused and rattled my first day back.

I’m fragile like that.

The Cape: The typical routine in which the boys spent more time in the water than not. Mornings started with a huge buffet breakfast at the resort followed immediately by 3-4 hours at the beach. When they tired of hunting crabs, playing water catch (so they could dive while they tried to catch the ball), and swimming around we went to the outdoor pool. When they tired of that we went for an early dinner/late lunch type of thing.

Upon return we would then either hit the indoor pool (if it was chilly) or again go to the outdoor pool. Needless to say we were all exhausted by 8pm and ready to crash.

The Candy Store: One of the highlights was visiting the old fashioned penny candy shop in town (which is anything but penny candy as the bill came to over $20). Kids can grab a tray and pick out random favorites like caramel cremes (what I have always called ‘Bull’s Eyes’), Hershey Kisses, lollipops and even candy cigarettes (which I thought they had stopped making). Sugar high was the name of the game and the boys played it well.

Dining Out: Our first stop was at a place called Captain Parker’s Pub, where we stopped for lunch before checking in. Three out of four of us developed intestinal problems about two hours after eating there so we took to calling it Captain Diarrhea’s or - as my eldest coined it – Captain Parker’s Poop Deck.

The next day we ate at an old reliable, The Lobster Boat, and fared much better. Even got both boys to try calamari before they knew what it was. They loved it and kept eating it even after I told them.

No Kid Weekend: Before we went to Cape Cod, wifey and I spent an entire three days with no kids. I shit you not. They decided they wanted to spend the weekend in Maine with my In Law’s. Wifey called to ask if I minded and I laughed and laughed.

At first it was going to be one night, but they enjoyed it so much they didn’t want to come home. So we made it two. Then three. I haven’t been that relaxed since…well, I can’t even remember. Nobody harassing me to play catch or get them a snack or hearing them fight over a toy. It was peaceful.

Wifey and I went out to dinner on Friday, spent Saturday at a friend’s house and never once worried about what time it was or whether the babysitter was having trouble. Nothing. We got drunk and fooled around and had a grand old time.

That Saturday we spent lounging on our deck reading, swimming in the pool and sucking down frozen Margaritas. And it was only three! I used to love getting drunk on summer afternoons. Now I have to worry about whether I'll get too drunk to save one of the boys if they start drowning or making an inappropriate comment to my wife’s smoking hot friend.

All of the above being said, by Sunday afternoon both of us were bored out of our skulls. Two nights is fine, but anything more than that and I start missing my boys.

The Goddamn Dog: This motherfucker, on the other hand, I could do without. Like right now. And like for-fucking-ever. That same Saturday wifey and I spent lounging around was the same day I fully realized how truly insane our dog is. I always partly chalked it up to having the boys running around, but they played no factor on this day.

We spent a full 5 hours outside with the dog leashed up right next to us. For those five hours the dog did not sit still for one minute. I wish I were kidding. He paced, spun in circles, raced off to chase some imaginary something or other before the leash would stop him dead in his tracks, go off to sniff the same spot he sniffed 5 minutes earlier, jumped up on one of our chairs only to be pushed off again, whined and yelped just because he felt we weren’t paying enough attention to him, followed both of us around even if it was to get up and toss something in the barrel, rolled around in the grass, chewed on his ball while rolling around in the grass, rolled on his ball while rolling on the grass and probably 155 other things I either didn’t notice or blocked out.

Our dog has ADD. Simple as that. He can’t hold a thought for more than 30 seconds, will whine if we’re not within 5 inches of him and often pulls at his leash if he can’t reach something repeatedly. While in the pool I watched him pull at his leash for a solid 15 minutes straight because he couldn’t reach his ball. 15 minutes!! And it wasn’t like he would get any closer or acquire super dog strength, he’s just too stupid to realize he can’t do it. He reminds me of that scene in ‘Bee Movie’ where the bee keeps bumping into the glass while trying to fly out the window: ‘Maybe now. Maybe NOW. Maybe now!’ only the outcome always stays the same.

To top that all off, when we got back from our trip we had the kennel keep him an extra day. The boys didn’t even ask about the dog that entire day back which means they don’t care if he’s there or not and the only reason we’re keeping it is because my wife is psychotic (although after last weekend she’s beginning to crack, too).

When he finally came home the very first thing he did was run for the back screen door to jump up on it. He does this constantly and drives me apeshit because I’ve already replaced two doors due to the ferocity in which he hurls himself at it. Well, you guessed it, he launches at the door which wasn’t latched properly, he manages to put his paw right through the screen, nudge the door open just enough so a gust of wind could grab hold and twist it right off the hinges. That hydraulic arm that automatically closes the door was torn right out of the woodwork.

Yesterday was spent installing door number three. When I was finished I looked at the dog and said ‘I’m replacing you before I replace another door’. He presumably was thinking of squirrels or eating his own shit.

The Economy: Not having access to the internet over the past week (I could have, just chose not to) meant I missed the Dow jump to over 9000 last week. While a positive sign I can’t help wondering why it means anything. The same idiots in charge of the epic collapse are still playing their same old song. Wake me up when some real changes are in place.

The Red Sox: I didn’t even know they traded for Adam LaRoche until he hit a homer for them Saturday night. He’ll help, but will it be enough? They certainly need some sort of spark to get them on a roll. Let’s hope it’s before tomorrow night when I go to Fenway.

Back to Work: You know that transition that occurs when you return to work after a long break? I’m smack in the middle of it. Emails have to be sorted through, voice mails returned, and assholes to be dealt with. The problem is I’m not in the proper frame of mind. I’m still thinking of beaches and drinking in the afternoon and sex anywhere in the house and killing stupid dogs and good meals to be very effective.

I’m sure by tomorrow I’ll be back in the swing, but until then I’m coasting on the pleasant fumes of my vacation.

I would say I missed this, but I don’t like to lie.

Unless it’s required or fun.

Today’s distraction: Another example of RIAA being completely out of touch and total douchebags. And they wonder why so many artists are bailing on labels and releasing their own music? Catch up or get out of the way!


thepowerof10 said...

Sounds like you had a good and much-needed week, sir. It's nice to have you back.

Regarding the dog: I am a fan of dogs, and when stop being a renter and start being a homeowner, I plan to get myself a pooch. Trouble is, I am convinced that I will get a ruthless son of a bitch like yours. It's just my luck, no two ways about it.

BeachBum said...

Thanks, 10.

Your dog should be fine, just stick to a lab or retriever or some purebred. We have a cockapoo (cocker spaniel/poodle mix) who seems to have inherited the worst of both breeds.

By all accounts first generation cockapoos are normal (several friends recommended them to us) and even ours isn't vicious, just stupid and hyper and destructive.

I wonder if the straight poodle - cockerspaniel mixes have no problems but now that they're breeding cockapoos to cockapoos all the problems are coming out. My sister got her own (against my vocal protests) and she has the same problems we do. Just insane animals.

My other sister got a labradoodle (golden lab/poodle mix) and you can see the difference. Obedient, calm, playful and smart.

If you're not alergic just get a straight lab and you should be fine.

thepowerof10 said...

I've actually always been more of a fan of smaller dogs, and from what I hear purebred is the way to go. It's tough to trust a breeder that you don't know, though, so you're taking your chances either way it seems.

Clayton Bigsby said...


I have a dog. I got him for my nephew but trained him and fell in love. That sounds kind of homo, but he's awesome and my nephew doesn't need a dog until he's old enough to care for it. He is a Beagle. It's 30 pounds and took about a week to teach that he shouldn't pee inside. Cox got a big choco lab a few months ago too. I would recommend researching it to make sure you find something easy to train that fits your lifestyle. If you're not allergic to dogs, get a pure bred.