Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Home Run

After watching the Home Run Derby…whoops, sorry.

After watching the State Farm Home Run Derby at Busch Stadium near Big Mac Land and the MasterCard ‘Hit It Here For $1 Million’ signs, I have a few ideas to spice things up for 2010.

Consider this another entry for the Idea Man in me. I’m full of them (along with other substances) but short on motivation and effort to actually implement any of them.

Fire Joe Morgan: I’ll start with a simple idea. I have nothing personal against the man other then his Big Bad Cincinnati Reds beating the Red Sox in 1975 to break my little heart and his inane and repetitive ramblings during ESPN baseball games. I’m sure he’s a very nice guy, but that doesn’t mean America wants to listen to him.

Chris Berman Sticks To NFL: Another tired shtick is his ‘back, back, back’ on nearly every home run hit. Considering this is the Home Run Derby that’s a lot of ‘backs’. How about we rotate broadcasters to include Marv Albert or Gus Johnson or someone that would amp up the excitement a bit. Again, nothing against Berman (who I thoroughly enjoy during the NFL season) but his routine doesn’t translate well to baseball.

Pick Up The Pace: Man alive, there was a LOT of time spent setting the stage. Here is some fat Philly dude calling Pujols’ home run direction. I’ve never rooted so actively against a guy since ARod’s last at bat. Oh, look, here are some kids for the State Farm something or other. There’s about 50 of them, so sit back while we introduce them all. Wait! There’s more. If a hitter somehow miraculously hits one of the million dollar banners 600 feet from home plate Mastercard will buy everyone in St Louis fried dough. Or something. And, of course, here are the actual participants of the contest. Thank you for getting to them.

Just get on with it, will ya? We’re here to watch hitters hit, not feel good about whatever charities MLB is involved with. Throw some pitches already!

No More Interviews: Especially while the Derby is actually in progress. I don’t care what Josh Hamilton thinks of this year’s contest. I don’t care what Pujols thoughts are on playing in St Louis (Really? What’s he going to say? ‘I fucking hate this place. I want to get out of here so badly I can taste it!’). Pujols was particularly aggravating because he talked over Nelson Cruz hitting monstrous bombs while the crowd was going nuts. Well done, fellas.

More Erin Andrews: The above said, Ms Andrews looked fetching in her yellow and black blouse. Find a way to get her more involved without having her conduct useless and boring interviews that distract from the balls leaving the park in bunches. Maybe she can stroll around in a bikini holding up signs that tell everyone the home run totals for each player. I like that idea a lot.

Extra Credit: As a player hits a home run, he can call out a guess at how far the ball will travel. If he’s within 10 feet, he gets a bonus home run added to his total.

Fan Cameras: Keep all outfield sections covered with a high def camera so we can see the brawls that break out when grown men fight over a baseball. Maybe plant a reporter in the middle of the chaos. This might be a good place for Berman if you insist on using him.

Outfielders: No more kids stumbling around during pop ups. Going forward only MLB players who need the practice will be catching the fly balls. Luis Castillo, Adam Dunn, Milton Bradley, the entire National infield? I’m looking at you. If you could get Manny out there, that would be FANTASTIC! If you want to throw a random celebrity out there, I’m okay with that. Watching Tom Cruise nearly getting killed by a line drive sounds enjoyable.

Also, the outfielders can attempt to take home runs away by leaping over the fence. In fact, you could go the other direction and put the best outfielders out there. Maybe five top defensive outfielders who can jump. I might like this idea better. If you add trampolines, this could be genius!

Allow PED Use: Every player committed to the contest is allowed to juice up a month before. No penalties, no tests. I want to see another spectacle like McGwire at Fenway. I want to see a 550 foot home run smash the centerfield score board.

If you don’t like that idea, allow corked bats.

Total Feet: Just for fun, add up the total feet for all the home runs a player hits. For example, Fielder’s 11 home runs in the first round totaled 4950 feet. Then have little stats to compare how far that actually is. This can be added to in subsequent rounds, as well.

Note: have no idea if that was his total, so don’t be leaving comments on what an idiot I am. I know I’m an idiot. There’s no need to rub it in.

No David Cook Ever Again: Self explanatory.

External Influences: As the rounds progress, each contestant must do one of the following:

A: Chug 12 ounce beer
B: Do a shot
C: Take a long toke off a joint

Now show me what you got. I’ll bet this increases the willing participants each year, as well.

Random Exploding Baseballs: Again, self explanatory.

That’s all I have for now. I was also thinking of certain spots that, if hit by a home run, would set off fireworks or something, but there may be limited space due to advertisements.

Today’s distraction: The highest grossing R rated comedies of all time. If you’re wondering why there have been 5 Scary Movies, you’ll soon understand. Also, I’m dismayed by #6 and shocked by #10. Never knew it was that popular.


Anonymous said...

I agree with the Joe Morgan comment. I met him at the CWS this year during an autograph session, and he was a complete asshole. He wouldn't converse with anyone and just scowled at every person coming up to get an autograph.

Love the ideas to spice up the derby though. Last night it damn near put me to sleep, oh wait, I did fall asleep!


BeachBum said...

Great. Morgan sucks at what he does AND he's an asshole. Nice hire, ESPN.

Clayton Bigsby said...

I love all the ideas. Why not let them use aluminum bats for the HR Derby? Erin Andrews is nothing more than a pretty face at this point. "Go through the 1st home run for us?" I don't care what Albert Pujols has to say in his broken English. When will some network finally break down and have Jim Norton and Lewis Black commentate this stuff? Or any two comedians with sports knowledge? Just think if Louis CK and Chris Rock were doing games together? Why hasn't HBO bought the rights to a game a week to make this happen?

BeachBum said...

Chris Rock unfiltered would be great. 'Holy shit! He hit that ball harder than he hit Alyssa Milano last weekend!'

I'm in!!!

thepowerof10 said...

I agree with the Berman idea as well as the Erin Andrews idea (of course). I'd watch a picture slide of her rather than the derby anyway.